Speaking as a 33 year-old single man, currently exploring dating prospects IRL and in the dating app circuit, the consensus among most of my friends (a decent mix of gender identities) is that dating apps suck. We’ve all shared out theories as to why they suck. I used to feel that online dating was marginally more fruitful in the days when OkCupid was actually a functional site and you could learn a fair amount about a prospective match before finding out if the mutual interest translated to real life.
However, I pretty much abandoned this theory when a couple of friends tried ponying up for a Match subscription and reported back that it was plagued by the same issues they found on free dating apps: one-sided conversations, ghosting, and the general vibe that the people they’re matching with just seem tired and lazy.
These things have always happened with online dating, but they seem like MUCH more pervasive complaints among online dating users these days than during the 2010s. And it had me wondering: are online dating apps capable of making a comeback?
Here’s what I mean by a comeback. When free dating apps launched and went mainstream in the 2010s, there was a general excitement about using them: about having this new outlet for meeting people you’d otherwise never cross paths with. There were problems that got ironed out as the 2020s got closer (ex: unsolicited messages from horny and repellent cis-men) but as these apps became more commonplace, the initial thrill of online dating and the possibilities it unlocked seems to have died. A comeback would involve restoring that thrill among app users, and I just wonder if that’s possible.
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There wasn’t excitement. In fact, in the early days it was common to lie about how you met if you met someone online because it was almost an admission of failure.
What you’re feeling is nostalgia for dating when you were in your early 20’s. It’s a vastly differing experience than using dating apps in your 30’s. Hell, dating in ~general~ changes. In your 20’s you’re looking to date just for the sake of dating half the time. You’re still full of hope and new to the whole thing. You’re going out and meeting people, having fun, doing stuff, yay!
In your 30’s you’re more likely to be looking for someone you want to settle down with. There’s a lot of resentment towards dating the longer you’ve been at it. You should be done with this and going to Home Depot to pick out a new mailbox with your SO, not meeting somebody at the coffee shop praying that ~this~ one doesn’t mention how they that if we get married, their mother is going to move in with us.
Dating apps have never been more popular. We’re already seeing the effects of an entire generation of adult daters who have no clue how to approach people in real life outside of dating apps. So much so that we had to make a rule here to remove posts about “How do I meet people in real life?” because it was such a super common topic.
Personally, I’ve always felt that it was mainly poor behavior that was holding back dating apps. One side’s poor behavior led to a reaction from the other side, which in turn created a cycle of reactions which created a dislike on them (as a forced “I guess I have to do this”). I feel this was validated recently on an article from Psych today:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-state-our-unions/202208/the-rise-lonely-single-men
At any rate, most of any problem the apps has will be something that will likely show up in other meeting locations; the apps make them happen more often. One new thing that did come from the apps was that since you’re not longer meeting people through your social groups, you really don’t have any consequence for acting like a bag of old hammers. Aunt May isn’t going to ask you during Thanksgiving why you had sex with her friend’s daughter and then never called her back because that person is just someone you swiped right on.
But all of that is on a societal level. I had a great time with dating apps and I’m on Feeld now that I’m in a relationship.
Considering match group bought most the big ones out I doubt the quality will improve and people will just get more burnt out or leave them over time imo. I don’t ever see them coming back in a good way
I’m not sure what you mean by making a comeback as they have never gone away and have gone from being something a tiny no of people were doing to being completely mainstream.
Everyone I know of my generation who met a serious partner past college met due to online dating. Most spent at least a few years online before finding someone but eventually it worked
> you could learn a fair amount about a prospective match before finding out if the mutual interest translated to real life?
Yeah people seem to hate that shit, certainly a lot of people on this sub do. They will cite the one or two times they personally chatted with someone online for a couple of weeks or even a month some years ago, then they met and I guess it wasn’t the end all love of their life moment or whatever…so now any effort to chat, connect, or build rapport beforehand is dismissed as a “waste of time”. They absolutely must meet someone asap, do as little talking as possible, and hope for magical fairy tale sparks while they meet to drink boring coffee or mass produced beer.
It’s the virtual equivalent of approaching every halfway cute stranger and see if it sticks, only it’s more efficient to rack up the numbers while I suppose avoiding the public embarrassment of rejection.
None of that makes me want to log on, that’s for sure.
OLD is useless.
I’ve used 4 different apps and hated every single one of them.
Dating apps are far from thriving. A few days ago the CEO of Tinder stepped down after the app’s poor performance. Many of the apps are losing customers.
Not as they are, no. I think meetup and other social apps that allow community and accountability *are* making a comeback, but OLD can’t adapt with it’s current model. It would require essentially a new product.
As a 32 year old single woman who has used dating apps for almost a decade now, the quality of the apps is solely determined by the people. I think that there is still excitement about them depending on the user, but the apps are truly plagued with the paradox of choice: with so many apps, and so many people on said apps, there’s less responsibility on the users parts and not as much coming out of them as far as commitment. Someone says something you don’t like? you can block. Someone not your type? You can swipe left. It’s also made it easy to “hurt” or let down people that aren’t in your social circle and to keep it moving. I also think that people have decided that the perfect partner is on them and therefore they don’t face the reality of what they actually have. There’s always the thought that there’s someone better out there and therefore no reason to settle down. Some article just came out basically saying that men are more single and lonely than ever, and in my experience that has been why.
People’s intentions on apps if anything are what should change. The apps have made it way too easy to solicit people for sex or to actually have sex with strangers. So the amount of effort and intention for users is what should make a comeback if anything. At this point, I’ve redownloaded three apps after ending things with a long distance situation ship that should just remain a flirty friendship if that, but have no hopes for them.
i bought a discounted month long subscription to tinder and realized that the dating strategy of the majority of men seems to be swipes right until something sticks. they almost never read profiles. that and the radio silence from actual matches makes it seem like most of the users are bots. this made me want to remove myself from the platform entirely.
if they were to make a comeback the apps would have to address this tendency in a meaningful way. i have no idea what that looks like.
one suggestion might be to let users use filters so half of my feed isn’t full of nonmonogamous people or people i have absolutely nothing in common with.
i really miss the old okcupid from like, pre 2015.
The apps are a double-edged sword. They bring out the extremes in people and relationships, both in terms of good and bad. More often than not, they unfortunately bring out the bad. For many, it’s difficult to separate the burden of choice from intention and standards.
They don’t need to make a comeback, they’re pretty much ubiquitous now. But it’ll take those companies losing money to change.
I know plenty of people who have met their spouses on apps and those who have failed miserably. We have more control than we give ourselves credit for. Knowing which apps people use in your area, which apps attract creeps and avoiding them. Then not dismissing everyone who isn’t your dream person. It’s a lot of personal responsibility and patience. Dating apps are a resource for those who don’t meet a lot of people in to day life for that reason they will be around for a while, no comeback needed.
Make a comeback? Dude dating apps have always been terrible. POF was as big of a joke ten years ago as it is now. Not to mention years ago, people were shamed for using dating apps. You would lie about having met your SO online because you were seen as a weirdo if you couldn’t find someone the “old fashioned way”
Dating sucks because people suck. Until there are MAJOR changes in the behavior of people and/or new features are added to attract more women then dating apps are never going to be an enjoyable or easy to use tool.
Dating apps are fine. I still meet a couple new women a week from them. They’re what you make of it. Have you considered the thought that you have changed?
I honestly don’t get the hate that OLD apps get on this sub. Dating is hard whether you’re trying to meet people IRL or OLD or both. In my opinion, OLD opens the door to meet people I would never meet otherwise. Are parts of it a shitshow? Of course but I haven’t noticed anything any better IRL dating.
I think the biggest problem with OLD is user expectations. People throw up a few terrible selfies, some cliche phrases, and then expect their soulmate to drop in their lap after a week. Then if they actually match with someone, they take hours/days to reply because, in their minds, strangers aren’t a priority in their lives. How do you ever expect to find a partner if you don’t make dating a priority? If you want a serious relationship and you’re doing it right, OLD is more like a part-time job but so many people don’t seem to want to put in the effort.
I hope they’re capable of making a comeback.
If they can crack the code in removing bots, scammers, chronic ghosters, low effort yahoos, and focus on showing me profiles of very compatible matches, then yes lol.
Some thoughts:
Dating apps exist solely to match you with people and facilitate conversation. They do this reasonably well.
Dead/abandoned profiles exist mostly on the Match company apps (POF/Tinder/OKC/Match/Hinge) – but also have a few methods to work around it. Namely being able to see if someone is online (a bumble profile, between 99 miles and 2 miles away, barring incognito or snooze, shows a ~ if they haven’t used the app within 4 hours).
Conversation quality is *wholly and completely* dependent upon the two people involved approaching things similarly. Any mismatch here is as good as not matching since it won’t kick on.
Where you come in: I firmly believe in writing profiles in an effort to attract like-minded folks. I believe in swiping with the same demand. Accordingly if you’re put off by their text, even a little? It’s a gamble.
As such, everyone’s time is valuable. I believe if you put the effort into your profile and put effort into swiping (recognizing that the vast majority of profiles will fail to resonate), you can at least get closer more often than not.
While I generally talk about “80% of matches not going anywhere” it’s probably closer to 50/50 these days for me.
And when the conversation hits cadence? Typically every single date is at least in the right ballpark even if things fail to kick on from there.
Now, is it possible to get lucky and have a good conversation when their profile doesn’t match? Absolutely – it’s just far more of a crap shoot/investment of time if all you’re doing is swiping on the pretty pictures.
Addendums/caveats: on Bumble specifically, as a guy, I cannot presume any relationship setting doesn’t have an eye towards LTR unless their text explicitly says otherwise. Marriage/relationship, and even something casual can mean “get to know someone and move forward to a relationship with the right person” – and as a result, that portion (barring “don’t know yet”) can’t generally be used as a filter.
I’ve definitely matched with profiles that had no text and still had great conversations. Hell, last time I had something with promise she originally had a sparse profile on a new account and ultimately cleared everything out before matching with me (I had swiped on the sparse profile). But the conversation also went really well really quickly because she didn’t send a “hi” as an opener. Which circles back to “both parties need to apply similar levels of effort.”
TL;DR: people are the problem with every dating app, and getting to **your people** relies on 2 parties making an attempt to, and much of that is out of your hands.
Anything else is a gamble with the cost being your time/energy.
I’ve (33M) been using OLD for about a year after a very long relationship that started in college ended, and I think the apps are great in some ways (wider dating pool, doesn’t take much effort to make initial contact), and bad in others.
It seems to me that one of the biggest problems is that the default response on an app is a non response; if you’re not 100% sure about someone you can literally just ignore them. This doesn’t work in the real world; if I approach a girl at a bar she’s conditioned socially to at least respond with something. It’s not socially acceptable for her to just sit there and completely ignore me. There’s a kind of anonymity on the apps that allows for the avoidance of these social norms that I think makes the process feel so horrible sometimes.
I wonder if there’s a way for an app to reward people who actually engage in a more human way with the app itself. I get the impression that Hinge (the app I use most) is doing this to an extent, but it would be interesting if there was an app that explicitly rewarded people for interacting with their matches in more human ways and punished them for bad internet behavior (ghosting, ignoring, rudeness, etc.).
There is no Comeback. People going Back to Real Life…
From a tech company perspective: Match will need to change their goals and operational models from the ground up for there to be a change. They exist to make money, and they make money through paid accounts. So they are going to optimize on how they get people to pay. They’re likely doing constant work across all their brands to figure out where the sweet spot is for the different segments each app is optimized for. What set of features are people more likely to pay for? How much are users willing to pay for these features? How do they walk the line between incentivizing users to pay and driving them away from having an account at all (or creating one in the first place)? What makes people recommend a given app to their friends?
And since most dating apps people use are owned by the same company, there isn’t much competition. They don’t have to beat out other companies for market share. And most single people agree the apps suck, but few see a way around using them. In most places, if you want to go on dates, that’s almost the only way to get them.
So the TLDNR: dating apps don’t have to make a “comeback” because they’re perfectly successful in all the ways that matter to these companies.
Apps would be better with a word number requirement. Most profiles are blank or just a few words. Love to travel and love tacos isn’t going to help anyone find a good match. So people swipe away and try to strike up a conversation to see if there is anything in common after matching rather then before. Dates end up being basically blind dates that probably aren’t going to work out.
Sites like OKC back in the day were filled with lengthy profiles and it led to much better matches and dates. But I guess they don’t want that anymore because the more boring blind dates you have to go on the longer you are a customer.
Lol unsolicited messages from horny and repellent men is definitely still a thing, my friend
I think you have to keep in mind that we’re aging as we use these apps and poll our friends about them.
Yes, the apps have changed and I used to be more excited about them.
However, when I was 24 I was also excited about dating apps because I had been on maybe 4 dates, period, through the apps.
Even if the apps were 100% the same experience over time, I would still be jaded by this point and my attitude towards the convos etc would not be the same.
We’re just catching up to the age-old experience of people being tired of dating by the time they’re in their 30s.
As long as profit is the main motive by the creators of the apps, they will never improve in quality. I don’t see profit ever NOT being the primary motive
First point: my(f33) bf(m35) (who I met on Hinge) just shared with me that guys have to PAY for every app?! This isn’t true for women, we have the option to “upgrade” but have most of the features are free to us. Wild. This little fact bothers me a lot and definitely makes it harder for dudes to even connect with new matches.
Second: I think dating apps are all about patience. Not putting too much weight on them and waiting for that little spark in conversation that comes about every so often. I was on and off of them for 5ish years until I met my bf. We were very upfront and honest about what we were looking for and what we’d like the future to look like from the beginning. Our timing fit, it all came down to that in the end. You can be super into someone but not be on the same page of needs and wants at that point in your life.
In conclusion – I think everyone uses dating apps for different needs/wants. There are some out there looking for hookups and some out there looking for long term relationships. State your intentions upfront and don’t put too much weight on the outcomes. 🤗
For me it’s seeing my ex’s and friends ex’s on the apps lying about things and knowing how toxic they actually are. If they can hide it so well on their profiles then how can I trust anyone on there?
The apps aren’t the problem