Hey everyone this is my first post so I hope I’m doing this right . Me (M22) and my gf (F24) have been together for 3 years now and throughout that time she would consistently tell me that I have to tell her literally everything . Where I’m going , who I’ll be with , how long I’ll be out , what I’m planing for the next day , I can’t have friends of the opposite gender and had me remove my previous ones from my life . Whenever we had a problem with anything she loves whipping out the “you need to communicate more” Which I did in the end to make her feel secure and ensure her reassurance , I’m not trippin over any of that .
It’s the fact that she’s making it seem like it’s perfectly fine to disregard everything she had told me . To start off with she has numerous male friends which already contradicts herself . Yes she reassured me by telling me where’s she’s going and with who , but recently I came across some Polaroid pictures of her on a trip , which was only suppose to be her and her sisters , sitting on one of her male friends lap , hugging all up on him literal cheek to cheek and he got his hand around her upper and lower waist . I questioned her about it and immediately got kicked me out , it took from 9:15pm to 3:50am to finally get some answers and apparently her sisters didn’t want to take any pics with her so she took em with him . She claims it was nothing but friendly antics and wanted to show appreciation for him paying for the trip which by itself already sounds fucking awful .
I managed to talk with her and am now back in the apartment but she left for the night , didn’t say a clue where she was going or who she was talking to on the phone before she left so your guess is as good as mine . But after her mentioning she would vent to that same guy at some park , which I also had no clue of or when they had gone there , I’m getting this terrible insecurity that she left to him . I texted her apologizing for coming across the photos and for her to come back and we can find common ground but no response . I don’t know what to do but I’m pretty numb
49 comments
“Where I’m going , who I’ll be with , how long I’ll be out , what I’m planing for the next day , I can’t have friends of the opposite gender and had me remove my previous ones from my life .” This is so wrong.
I’m gonna say this straight: her behaviour is toxic. You should enforce some boundaries. Those include not letting her dictate who you are friends with and making sure she follows her own rules. It sounds like she doesn’t respect you.
Ngl man she isn’t good for you. Her expecting to know your every move and control what friends you’re allowed to have may come from her own insecurity but ultimately it’s abusive and also puts you in this position where now you’re starting to be suspicious of what she’s doing because of those rules she sets. I can’t know what she’s doing for sure, neither can you. My advice is to not be with someone who places such unnecessary restrictions on your life, and holds you to much higher standards in the relationship than they do themselves. There’s a power imbalance where there really shouldn’t be one
You’re dating an abuser. Not much more to say than you need to recognise that fact and get out. Look after yourself.
> tell her literally everything
That’s called ‘controlling’. Probably projection.
>sitting on one of her male friends lap
>She claims it was nothing but friendly antics
‘It’s not cheating if it’s with a condom’.
>appreciation for him paying
Are you sure she wasn’t/isn’t a sex worker?
Look for the signs of cheating.
Fuckin dump that cunt. I dont fucking get it i hate girls like that my ex was the same way we lived together and i just got to say she was fuckin awful and controlled everything just like your girlfriend. Just end it. As hard as it might get to get away from her everything is better than staying with her. Even if she kicks you out like mine did. She will always make you unhappy and you cant argue with girls like her. These type of humans are fuckin pathetic. Probaply she is already cheating on you anyways. Just dump her for sure. Youll feel much better afterwards i promise my brother. Search for friends that can help you out of this situation even from the opposite gender. Give a fuck what she says. She is fucking manipulating you. Meet new people. Maybe try to contact the friends you lost because of her. Try to minimize the damage she dealt to your life and keep on going. You deserve better than that brother
She is abusing you. She’s most likely cheating on you.
LEAVE that toxic environment.
Dont apologize, dump this psycho. Are you serious? I really hope this post is a troll job. Also She can’t kick you out of where you live. If its her place and your reside their, she has to “evict you”. Why would you let another person control your life like this? I am curious is this your “first relationship” or the first girl who has had sex with you or something?
This is toxic 101….
Are you on the lease??? If so how did she kick you out??
Bro start packing. If you have already gotten this far down the rabbit hole I see almost zero chance you can turn this around. To do so would take a miracle and ALOT of fights and dominance from your end. I frankly don’t think it would be worth it. She still lied to you repeatedly and kicked you out for being mad.
Last but not least please tell me you have 1 good hot female friend left to take a picture with. Even just a kiss on the cheek and give it to your girl on the way out the door. Don’t let this end with her thinking you are just her submissive puppet to string along.
I think Reddit is famous for jumping the gun and saying dump them, but in this case I would dump them. It sounds like you live with her at her apartment, so idk if you’re stuck there, but if you have another housing option I would bail. The fact the guy paid for her and then she’s sitting on his lap face to face is not a good sign. No normal guy pays for another girl that is in a relationship without having a decent idea that they are going to be hooking up with them.
We both know she’s cheating so you’re way too young to have these problems
“I don’t know what to do but I’m pretty numb”
I don’t know what to do but I’m pretty dumb
there i fixed it Bro WAKE UP she’s cheating on you have been the whole time
She is projecting all the things she’s been doing on you and she’s straight abusive she has all those rules so you won’t do what she’s doing PLEASE LEAVE and get therapy you’ll need it I’m sorry but you need a wakeup call bad
Your girlfriend is controlling. She’s gaslighting. She’s a hypocrite. And it’s very likely she’s cheating.
That’s a winning card in bad relationship bingo. It doesn’t get much worse.
Well she’s definitely too controlling… That’s the way the rest of your life will be a few stay with her. And obviously hypocrite as well. Doesn’t sound like a fun existence
Im sorry for you, bro. Red flags all over.
She’s abusing you and she’s toxic. Also, people who are obsessed with forcing a bunch of rules on you to prevent you from cheating, often do so because they themselves can’t stay loyal. It’s not uncommon that the toxic controlling partner turns out to be the one who is cheating.
She’s full of sh*t and she sounds insane.. locking you out of your own apartment for asking questions ?? Really ?
You need to learn to respect yourself and get the hell out of there. I’d put my hand to the fire that she’s a cheater too.
Two words: LEAVE HER
Dude wtf are you doing?
Shes controls you, lies to you, kicks you out, and is probably cheating on you.
How little do you think of yourself that you are now apologizing to her for finding photos of her that confirm the lying and almost certainly indicate cheating?
Do you honestly believe she took a picture on this guys lap in a romantic pose because her sisters wouldnt take a picture with her? To thank him for paying for their trip? The guy that she is now going to a park with right after you caught her lying about him? What do you think is happening there?
This is harsh, but grow a pair and GTFO of this toxic cesspit.
Leave
> I have to tell her literally everything . Where I’m going , who I’ll be with , how long I’ll be out , what I’m planing for the next day , I can’t have friends of the opposite gender and had me remove my previous ones from my life .
I was in this exact same space a few months ago as you are now, and this is what drove me to leave. I wasn’t dealing with the double-standards that you are, but the isolation combined with the “tell me everything” lead to me not doing anything I enjoyed and resenting it. Because doing nothing was easier than dealing with trying to give her a detailed itinerary, and have her be happy with my plans.
She also isolated me from my friends, and was convinced I was cheating on her with one of them (I wasn’t of course). But the same jealousy and insecurity lead to the controlling behaviors, and eventually I had no friends and wasn’t doing any of the things I enjoyed.
If we got into a fight, it always came back to me “not communicating”, and she’d dig up old fights to prove her point and make me feel worse. By the end of a fight I wouldn’t even be sure what I was apologizing for, all I knew was that if I said everything was my fault and thy she was right, the fight would end and she’d be happy.
All this to say, the only thing that made ME happy in the end was leaving. That relationship was incredibly toxic and borderline abusive, and after 3 years I realized that nothing was going to change in the relationship to make me happy. I know Reddit loves to jump and say “leave”, but take it from me and my experiences when I say that this time, Reddit is right. I’m sorry to say that this won’t get better, and if you wait it’ll be just another year gone by. Better 3 years lost than 30.
Take as much time as you need to get your things in order, make a plan, reach out to friends and let them know you might need somewhere to stay, whatever. But start preparing to go. It’ll be hard and feel impossible in the moment, she’ll blame you and you’ll want to apologize and say you’re not leaving, but stay strong and follow through. The relief you’ll feel afterwards will make it worth it. It’s been just 2 months since I left and I’m still recovering, but my life is SO much less stressful and I’m way happier already.
Best of luck.
All of this is the textbook definition of abuse, walk on friend.
Sport. You’re the doormat, the safety net, the meal ticket, the bank account. And the punching bag for her toxic behaviour. This isn’t healthy.
You know what she’s doing. Getting laid with every Tom, Dick and Harry she can get her hands on while you’re at home, hoping that it’ll turn out better. It won’t.
Time to leave. Cut your losses. Get your finances in order, so everything is in your name, get yourself tested and leave. Ghost her, her family and her friends. Get your head screwed on straight again and go work on yourself.
Stop apologising. Get out now, take time to heal, then learn what a good relationship looks like. This is control and abuse. We all get our hearts broken, and we all get over it. This is not ok. It will never be ok. Run.
Holy cow man you are getting walked all over. This is basically an abusive relationship. You need to leave this girl in the dust. She’s stepping outside boundaries which is a form of cheating essentially. Get someone who you can have equal footing with.
Sounds like this relationship has run its course.
Bro…
One-sidedness not right
Shes abusive and probably controlling because she’s cheating and projecting. Leave.
Stop being a doormat. Stand up for yourself! She’s an abuser and toxic, you need to dump her. None of what she’s doing is ok.
One thing I want to point out is this: you are using the word “boundary” wrong. When you set a boundary, you are saying, “if this continues to happen, I will do that”. For example, “If you continue to talk about my bad college experiences that you have been asked to stop talking about, I will leave the gathering” Another example would be, “If you keep seeing your flirty friend, we will break up”. A boundary is not something you impose on others (what your girlfriend is doing by insisting on knowing who you’re going to hang out with), but it’s you telling others this is the line you are not going to cross and if the line is crossed, there will be consequences. I suggest you look up DARVO, which is what your girlfriend is doing with the toddler sized temper tantrum she’s throwing b/c she got caught. Then look really deep and hard if you want to stay with her (personal opinion, I wouldn’t stay)
OP, has it ever occurred to you that she tracks you so carefully, so she knows when she can do shady things? Double standards and hypocrisy is the reddest of red flags .
The nice thing is you don’t have to stay in a relationship you aren’t happy with. And you can also set your own boundaries and consider them dealbreakers if someone crosses them.
What reason does she have to change and stop being such a terrible hypocrite? You are showing her that your response to her horrendous behavior is to apologize and beg. Even if you stood up to her and said you were leaving, she *might* say she will change, but it would be short lived because she knows how to manipulate you. She knows how to make you feel like anything that goes wrong, even if it’s inexcusable behavior on her part, is your fault.
Being in a relationship shouldn’t feel like this. It shouldn’t feel like you are always apologizing when you’ve done nothing wrong, and adhering to a bunch of rules made by someone who feels no need to follow them herself. It should be about mutual respect, and *healthy* communication.
Just leave her – it might be difficult because it’s easy to become overly attached to toxic people (and she’s *very* toxic), but you’ll thank yourself later. Take some time to heal and work on loving yourself and feeling secure in the fact that you deserve better. Then hold out for someone who treats you as well as you treat her!
forget the gf die a while – why are you accepting her treatment? is it because you think it’s fair or do you comply because you sub want to lose her?
Bro she’s trying to keep tabs in you so she can fuck with you. Run or you will regret not leaving.
umm… Polaroids?
Really?
She didn’t set boundaries, she set abusive expectations. She’s purposefully isolating you from your friends because she’s abusive. Don’t stay with her.
Has to be fake. No one will take this much shit
*she herself
Your a grown ass man letting her walk over you like this. Tbh she toxic af and hypocritical too.
You need to have some self respect and leave
You’re being abused.
“she would consistently tell me that I have to tell her literally everything . Where I’m going , who I’ll be with , how long I’ll be out , what I’m planing for the next day , I can’t have friends of the opposite gender and had me remove my previous ones from my life . ”
this was your cue to get the fuck out.
But don’t worry! You can still do that now!
100% cheating and projecting
Im pretty sure she’s fucking the other dude…
She’s cheating on you. That relationship is toxic asf. I would have ended it years ago, but you do you brother. If that’s the kind of life you want, go get it. There’s a lot of less crazy and controlling women in the world and you’re still very young, go find one, and when you do I guarantee you’ll be happy as hell when you can see the juxtaposition of the crazy controlling girl vs the nice compassionate fun woman. Wishing you luck man.
Women lie and if you’re too weak to put down boundaries… well I don’t feel bad for you.
Also, title… grammar…. “she herself”, not whatever you said.
Hey man you need therapy, you are in an abusive relationship and need help. Or maybe you just need to read A LOT about relationships, love, and self-love.
No one can forbid you from speaking to anyone. Like, thats not OK. Period.
All of this is projection from someone who is cheating in some form or other with you. She is guilty and demands you stay pure in reaction to the fact that she isn’t. This isn’t double standards, this is pure manipulation to suggest her standards are high while she snuggles up to other guys in whatever fashion she wants to.