Genuine question, for years, I operated as people pleaser. Charismatic, spark of the group, organizer, etc. That’s until my closest friends eventually showed their true flaws and failed me. It made me realize that most people are shitty, selfish and narcissistic.
From that point, I’ve cut out majority of my friends because they are mainly toxic, self centered, and don’t reciprocate the relationship. And you know what? I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life with just my wife and my children.
More friends, more work.
Less friends, less work.
The formula was so simple and right there all along. I don’t have to hear about their shitty problems, care about stuff they like that I don’t, hear their opinions on topics, get let down by them, etc. I have been missing so many value added things in my life by having friends.
Have I just met shitty people in my life? Am I the problem? Or do I really just not need friends?
14 comments
Quality over quantity
Who knows? You have to surround yourself with others who actually care for you, whether it may be friends and/or family. I’d argue I’d want to have friends, but ones that are real, not toxic or selfish. These kinds of friends are difficult to find especially in a individualistic society such as America.
Real friends care for you even when you are feeling like shit. If you ever find one, they are keepers. Cherish your memories with them. For me, I already have some friends that are keepers. Those real friends are ones you can talk about your personal life and have deep meaningful conversations with them. The rest of the friends I have are just for pleasure and those are the types of people you can forget or just remember them from a good memory.
Let the toxic ones step aside. Ignore them and forget about them. They don’t deserve you
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I believe in buddies to share activities with and family to share life with. Not friends. I can drink coffee by myself.
If you’re happy without/with less friends, then that’s completely fine. Don’t let people tell you, that you have to have an excessive social life to be happy.
If you were a people pleaser that distorts your view on friendships. I’m going to guess that you feel like you are taken for granted because you put an exorbitant amount of effort (to people please) where your friends don’t. Its possible you just had super toxic and self centered friends, but it’s also possible that to an average person, your friend’s behavior is closer to normal under a non people pleasing lens.
Easy answer? No one needs friends, but if you find the right ones, they are a real blessing. The trick us finding true friends in this seemingly inauthentic world.
The sad part is, we are all guilty of being narcissistic at times it just takes a certain amount of awareness to see it and correct it that does not come easy to most.
Most people are very programmed and seem as if they act like self serving robots and for the most part are better left out of your inner circle if you value peace.
I think a major part of growing especially while having a family is realizing that sometimes that’s all you truly need. Like most things go, when you’re not looking for something it will usually find you and the ones who are meant to be in your life will find their way to you. Otherwise just let life flow and be thankful for what you do have and cherish it every moment you can.
I need friends. My family is great and I don’t vibe with them, my friends and my partner are the people I picked, and I pick people I vibe with. I wouldn’t know what to do without then, probably work a lot more and be bored a lot more, and who wants that.
A child can keep you very busy for sure, but please keep in mind:
– your child will want friends and of you don’t model how to make friends and how to maintain friendships, it may become very difficult for them – lots of my friends’ parents are complete loners and it puts a heavy burden on the children
– your child will move out eventually and it won’t be pleasant for them to feel like they are abandoning you ti loneliness and isolation when they leave the nest.
But still, no friends is better than bad friends for sure.
Most people ONLY chase comfort and pleasure. They flee all discomfort and pain. It makes them soft, predictable, and fickle.
I am values driven. When I started getting good at living a values driven life, it burned off 95% of people around me. They see the struggles I pick and do, it reflects their inadequacy/inaction back on them, so they want to get away to go back to feeling like they’re “enough” without doing the work (just surround themselves with fellow inactive and unthreatening people).
Living one’s values means our actions manifest the values. That puts us in places of discomfort or problems next to other values driven people. We connect over the shared struggle and hone off each other.
Example: In a few hours I will lead free trauma counseling with a friend who had acid thrown on her decades ago. That woman can gratitude me down and make me feel like a petulant child. She never aims to, she is just an avatar of gratitude. She highlights my inadequacies in the domain.
Aristotle called this kind of friendship “friends of the good” (friends of values and virtues). They are the only class of friend I dedicate any real effort to. The others classes in that framework are friends of convenience (coworkers) & friends of pleasure (drug dealer, party friends, etc). It’s a simple framework but very useful.
My kind is easy to spot. We get amped at hard work, pain, and discomfort that moves us at our driving values. We are aiming to be forged into a living avatar/manifestation of our virtues through discomfort.
Something worth chewing on that aids with the friends thing. What is love? Your definitions (there will be many) will help you define what you need from connections. That’s how we hone our aims. All the definitions will have a common denominator, the functional output of love is identity integration (bonus: grief’s functional output is self identity invalidation from loss). So if your not facilitating identity integration your technically not in a high value relationship.
TLDR: [Be the hero of your story](https://youtu.be/o3K9fcZB8Wk) and it just all seems to work out.
Friendships, and non-toxic relationships as a whole, take work on all sides.
Besides, while they aren’t necessarily “friends” your family can fulfill some/most of the same roles.
if you didn’t already have a wife you would probably need friends to get one…
I wanna give you a hug stranger. If you’re OK being alone, or just having the people you love, then I think that’s something special and OK.
I was essentially on hikikomori mode from ages 12-20. I could go a whole day without speaking a word to teachers, classmates… and not even my family, they were neglectful. I didn’t really feel sorry for myself by being alone. I am introverted and I enjoyed art, writing, programming, and learning languages. Wouldn’t have had time for friends.
Although, in the last 4 years, despite the pandemic, I’ve been far more social and made a lot more friends than I used to. Not because I *wanted* to socialize more. More… I felt a sense of obligation. I was working on personal development, and everyone told me, “it’s important to have a lot of friends!” So I went and made some friends. I learned that I’m not actually really shy at all! I’m pretty great at holding a conversation! I’m interesting to talk to and I can get other people to open up and be interesting to me!
I just… don’t get it, I guess. I think maybe I’m wired different and I don’t get the same rewards as other people do from being “popular”.
If anything, even though I have pretty good judgment and boundaries, and vetted good people to spend my time with… Being “popular” brought a lot of negative attention from friends-of-friends, orbiters, a lot of jealousy, unwanted romantic/sexual advances, and entitlement from people. I became quite depressed.
So I am about back at hikikomori mode.
Occasionally sometimes, I will feel anxiety at the ‘idea’ that I might die with no friends, or that I might end up in a dangerous situation where I don’t have friends to help me out, but then… I’m happy. I’m really really happy on a day-to-day basis. I don’t think I would change much regarding my social life. It is exhausting to maintain too many relationships, I like to give the people I love a lot of special attention.
You should ask the same about romantic relationships. Why would you want a companion in life?
Friends aren’t really there just for convenience or just so you can benefit from it. They are friends because you like the person and you are willing to make efforts to keep them in your life.
If you like your friends just so you can get something out of them and vice versa then you should wonder if they are really your friends or just aquaintances.
Me right here. I need friends that I don’t have right now.
I realized being alone for so many years that I absolutely need friends. I once thought the same as you too but now that I’m in my mid thirties I feel so alone and unsatisfied with the nothingness of weekends. I realized that life isn’t fulfilling if there’s no one to share my life with. Even though I have a gf for years she just couldn’t fulfill all my interests despite how accommodating she has been.