Sorry for being an attention whore here but I just rlly need help.
I struggle terribly to make friends or even join and contribute to any social circle because I always have this voice in my head telling me that no one wants me here even when it’s not true. I just hate it.
Long story short, I was ostracized, picked on, excluded and even bullied a bit growing up. I guess due to that, I just developed this mindset that nobody wants to talk to me and they prefer me out of the picture.
One example is my sister and cousin. We kind of have our own social trio. Or at least we could have one if I wasn’t so in my head and overthinking my position with them. I know that they actually don’t mind me and in fact enjoy talking to me but that voice in my head is always convincing me how they don’t want me around.
Like I’ll notice small details like their body language or their responses to things I say and somehow, that voice will use that to convince me that they hate it when I’m around. As a result, bcuz I’m convinced that they don’t like me when I’m around, I retreat and isolate when I could be having a wonderful conversation.
As I mentioned before, I am always having this radar or sort of detecting sensor in my head that tries to examine signs that ppl dont like me and don’t want to talk to me.
I have also done this many times with family friends as well. There is one dude that doesn’t seem to mind me at all. He’s friends w/ my sister and they are always chatting at every party. I have no reason to feel left out and they don’t mind having me around to talk. But then again, my mind goes and finds “proof” that they want me out of the picture and as a result, I make myself feel left out and isolated instead of having a good conversation.
Another family friend occasionally tries to chat up with me. We usually get along just fine. When I could be having a great convo, this mind of mine convinces me that he’s just being nice and doesn’t want to talk much to me at all. EVEN THO HE INITIATED THE TALK.
There are a group of girls in my neighborhood who PROTECTED me from bullies. And yet I isolate and prevent myself from talking to them when they don’t mind me around. I have even heard that they think I’m funny but that’s not enough to convince me.
This is also why I isolated myself A LOT in school instead of getting involved. And any talk I had with classmates was brief, sweet, and short and you can guess why.
I just wish I could stop being like this. No matter how many times I try to fight these thoughts, I fail and then isolate. I have great company and ppl who care about me and I’m just isolating myself from them when I could be having an amazing social life. And I’m afraid that this will also ruin my social life at college.
I enjoy solitude, being introverted and all, but I wish I didn’t make myself feel left out. I wish I could let myself be able to have conversations and initiate friendships.
2 comments
Sounds like a classic case of “Everyone else is so cool, I suck.” We all get this feeling sometimes, including myself. It’s fake. A false projection. Let me ask you, if you were certain everyone else has this thought almost daily, would that make you more confident? Because let me tell you the answer is yes. Everyone is worried they just said the wrong thing. Everyone is worried they will get embarrassed socially and made fun of. It’s a natural human cognitive action.
I think you’re doing just fine. What exactly would you say your main issue is? You seem like a friendly person to me.
DM if you want to talk.
I’ve struggled with this hyperawareness, too. I think it’s a coping mechanism: if you tell yourself they don’t want you around, and you remove yourself from other people, something in you thinks it’ll hurt less than if they were to actually reject you. You self sabotage BEFORE anything bad has a chance to happen.
And I won’t lie, sometimes this still affects me. But on the whole, I have a very “fuck you, fuck anyone who has a problem with me” attitude now. Because I have the exact same right to be there, to be able to talk, to form relationships, as anyone else does. If people don’t like me, that’s ok; just like I have a right to not want to be around every single person.
Quite honestly I think this is something you have to learn yourself. And you can only progress by facing rejection and failure; so if you never push yourself to analyze *why* you do this, and take the next step into *wanting to stop*, then nothing will change. You have see your own value and get a better perspective of yourself and other people, where you stop putting yourself at the very bottom, underneath everyone else. I did this because life stated to push me around just a bit too much. Too many people got just a little too nasty and unfair. So I grew a little baby spine and have been cultivating a healthier self esteem for a while now.
Change is possible but you have to be harsh (but not unfairly) with yourself.