I’m not really sure what to say. I thought my marriage is normal but other subreddits have been saying there’s lots of red flags. I feel overwhelmed
In our marriage I have to have sex with my husband even if I don’t want to. He doesn’t really take no for an answer. It’s my job as his wife since he takes care of me and pays for everything and stuff. Even if I don’t want to he just does it anyways. I don’t know. I get the feeling it’s not normal and he shouldn’t do that. I don’t know why I’m writing here for really. I just feel scared and not sure what to do
46 comments
His a rapist and an abuser this isnt normal ever. Do you have anyone you can go live with ?
You’re his wife, not his slave.
My wife doesn’t work and kinda keeps the house together. I, work 7 days a week, have provided an amazing life for her and our daughter. They never go without anything and we can buy and do whatever we want whenever we want. And never, would I ever, coerce my wife into sex. I would never force her. If she’s not interested, then it’s not happening.
Your relationship dynamic doesn’t dictate whether or not you should be coerced or forced into sex by your husband. In fact, the very thought of her, not in the mood, immediately turns me off. Sex should be a team sport that is disconnected from whoever has a larger financial input on the relationship.
This is not normal. That’s extremely toxic.
Non consensual sex is rape, regardless of marital status.
Marital rape is a thing unfortunately
Walk away.. time to pack it up and move. He’s toxic and probably insecure of himself and needs deep self reflection. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
ahh yes… the good old fashioned “wife’s duty”, straight from the Bible. how long have you been living like this? check your divorce and spousal support/alimony laws. obviously if there are children, which, i’d guess that there are because it’s also a “wife’s duty” to provide many sons to please the Lord and whatnot. you at the very least get child support for them. crazy that there are still men like this actually finding partners… but oh well… gonna be a big change, but in the long run you will be so much better off to get out of this marriage.
Contact this organisation, tell them that your husband is raping you on a regular basis as that is what he is doing, and ask them where the closest women’s refuge centre is to you to get out the house, they’ll probably give you a number to ring to whomever runs it, as you have no means of supporting yourself so you’re effectively trapped there.
They will be able to advise you the right way to go about things to do it as safely as possible.
[https://www.salvationarmyusa.org/usn/stop-domestic-abuse/](https://www.salvationarmyusa.org/usn/stop-domestic-abuse/)
If you have no luck, and you need help, feel free to drop me a message with a rough location and I’ll see what resources I can find for you.
When my Fiancée says “not tonight” it means not tonight. She can say she isn’t in the mood, is too tired, whatever. That’s the end of it.
Him “not taking no for an answer” is rape….plain and simple
Yeah, it’s not normal. You are getting raped. Seek help ASAP. Based on your post history, you are married to some kind of christian extremist.
>I thought my marriage is normal
That tends to be how abuse works.
>He doesn’t really take no for an answer.
That would be rape.
>It’s my job as his wife since he takes care of me and pays for everything and stuff.
That is not how healthy, equitable relationships work. You don’t “pay” for room and board with sex.
Please reach out to someone who can help: https://www.thehotline.org/
Yes. Not normal. Your husband is raping you. Are there any family members or friends you trust to help?
You are being raped. Don’t have children with this man. Get out. You will be able to find someone better, trust me.
He has been raping you. The word may seem ugly but that is the truth. If he’s been having sex with you without your permission that is rape. If you fear retaliation don’t talk to him about it. Look for help online/womens groups.
He is raping you pls be careful and in case seek help in women shelter or whatever there is where you live cause ur a living human bein he has NO right to make you do anything that ur not ok with
DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN. He is raping you regularly. This is FULL BLOWN abuse. NOTHING that another person does for you entitles them to your body. It is not a commodity to be taken against your will. MANY people have spouses that are the sole household earners, it is NOT an excuse for rape. He is genuinely not treating you like a human being. You need to get out safely.
You’re right – it’s not normal.
I take care of my wife and pay for everything: she hasn’t worked in over a decade. Our youngest kid is well into her teens and there’s only one: she’s not a stay at home mom. And we have sex *only* when we both want to.
The “he just does it anyway” is rape, not sex.
Advice is beyond a Reddit thread – see if you can find a therapist or rape counselor.
That’s rape. Outright. You’re being raped by your husband.
i’m sorry to hear this is overwhelming. do you have any friends or a therapist who you can talk to about this? you don’t need to make huge decisions all at once. but coming to terms with the fact that this is abnormal, abusive and controlling would be one. there are many resources you could seek out re: domestic violence. do you have a support network? if not reaching out to a domestic violence resource could be step one. you could tell them what’s going on.
Loving partners never ‘make’ anyone…Something’s wrong here but we do not know enough about you, your background, your culture, the state you live in, etc. to tell you anything that would be ‘universally’ useful or that might help you.
I can only speak for myself…I’d never be intimate with anyone who took or tried to take what I did not willingly give. It’s the shortest path to turning one of the greatest things in life into the worst.
I read your other posts and comments. It doesn’t matter what religion you follow, your body is yours. You do not belong to your husband and he is not entitled to your body.
The way you speak in your other posts sounds like you are in a cult. You are surrounded by people who believe that your duty is to be a good wife and serve your husband, and that any harm your husband does should be swept under the rug. You are controlled, and have no autonomy. This is not a normal life, and this is not a loving relationship. The saving grace here is that you do not have children. Please get out, do not bring children into the cycle of indoctrination and abuse.
Ooofff, I would downvote this – because of your husband, not because of you.
Very sorry.
I actually have heard of many cases even among my “young” friends (I’m in my 20s) that there are male partners who pressure the other one, who do not respect and tolerate giving no consent and partners who persuade their partners to “give in”.
No means no. And I can only agree to leave a partner who does not respect that. I know this is a difficult decision.
Have you tried talking to him about it?
But the way you wrote that sounds like he is not going to change that…
Leave him. That is the only advice I would not feel conflicted about giving.
Maybe there is something wrong with me, but I have never been able to wrap my head around the idea that somebody would want to have sex with somebody who didn’t want to. So, my recommendation is like many others who have already commented: cut your losses and get the hell out of there as fast as you can. You are no man’s slave. I’m sorry that I can’t muster any empathy towards your husband in forming this opinion.
Unfortunately, I see this type of thing far too often from couples where one spouse doesn’t work. Often, it seems that the wife feels stuck as they’re fully dependent on the husband financially, and the husband knows that and takes advantage of it. I have no problem with anyone’s setup in terms of who makes the money in a household, but this is definitely one reason to consider not being dependent on another person financially. Whether it’s a spouse or someone else, they always have a level of control over you when you depend on their income.
As a guy I can tell you he is raping you. Rape happens between strangers, friends, family and even spouses. If he forces himself on you when you don’t want to it’s rape. And yes you should be calling the police. Guys like him will never learn until they have charges on them and get jail time.
Get a divorce lawyer.
I was sexually abused as a kid and i thought it was normal what was happening to me later realized it wasnt and by then it was too late and there wasnt much i could do about it because apparently there’s a time limit on coming forward with that… Anyway i met my first long term boyfriend about almost a year ago we were together for 9 months those 9 months were the worst of my life and i shouldve ran as soon as the first red flag showed up but i didnt the first read flag was when we were sitting on the couch he asked if he could play with my boobs bc i stupidly slept with him on the first date and I was in… A mood so i said sure he straight up squeezed me so hard that i thought my left titty was gonna explode even though i dont have implants or anything i thought every vein and capillary was gonna burst and I cried out in pain and told him to stop he did and then half a send later would do it again or he would pinch my nipple really hard or just straight up bite it every time i told him to stop he would say ‘okay’ then go right back to doing it it escalated to point we were staying with his friend cause both of us didnt have jobs i was trying to get one but it wasnt really working out anyway it got to the point one night where he tried to rape me even though he knew about my past and his friend was in the other room had to run out and yank him off me and put him in a chokehold to get him to stop and still i didnt leave him until i got kicked out and had no place to go. Please leave i know its already the worst it could possibly be but dont let it continue like i did… PLEASE GET OUT!!!!!!!!
Oh wow I just read some of your posts on r/Christianmarriage the bit were you say “I know I have to serve him and obey him but he thinks everything I do is bad.” really hurt me to read. I am so sorry that you believe that.
Those rules were made up in iron age europe. They are not “Gods” rules. A lot has changed in the last few thousand years. Not least the fact that **YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SERVE AND OBEY YOUR HUSBAND TO BE A GOOD PERSON.**
Honestly it sounds like you are in an abusive marriage and your husband is using your religion to justify the abuse.
Get away from this man and by all means do not allow him to get you pregnant! If he is doing this after a year of marriage, what else will he do in the future? This is not normal and it’s not okay.
That sucks, you married a f****** c***.
Between the posts you’ve made here and in other subs and the response you’ve received, I hope that you understand and believe that you are in an abusive and toxic relationship that you need to exit as soon as possible for your own safety and well-being. I know it’s hard to hear this but I also believe that deep down inside, you already suspected all this to be true which led you to ask here.
Please seek help whether it be from a close friend, a family member that you can trust, church members you can trust or local support organizations. Good luck and please stay safe.
I don’t think I can even say how overwhelmed I am. Reading these responses just makes me want to cry. Everyone keeps saying it’s rape but I didn’t even know husbands could rape their wife. I feel really nervous. Rape sounds like a really big deal. I don’t want it to be a big deal
“It’s your job” is not a thing, sweetheart.
Sex is something that is shared between two people who love each other and they use that as a way to express that love.
What you’re describing is rape.
You need to leave. Pack your shit and get out.
As a guy I will say this:
Get out now before he kills you.
Sounds like coercive behavior, you should not feel obligated to have sex, sex isn’t part of a job it is a privilege, your husband and you get to have sex to reinforce intimacy and love not because you owe it to him.
Thats rape. No is no; regardless if your married. Start talking to a lawyer; and making sure your saying “no” clearly. Leave the room of you need too. Document everything. EVERYTHING.
Marital Rape is a very real thing. Him being your husband doesn’t justify it.
Rape.
[https://www.thehotline.org](https://www.thehotline.org) This is a hotline for domestic abuse victims. Their website has exit plan strategies and a way to contact them for help.
Also you should start saving cash in a place where he can’t find it and see if you can stay with a friend or a relative
What is your background? From your profile, I see you are Christian… what culture are you from and how old are you?
None of these things excuse his raping you (that is exactly what he is doing). I’m just trying to see where you are coming from to understand better.
I have been happily married for over 10 years and my husband would NEVER do this to me. Actually, lately I’ve been horny and he’s been stressed, so he says no more often than I do. I don’t like when he says no, but I can’t imagine trying to force it (I know I couldn’t physically force him, but just the idea).
I think you should talk to him outside of a sexual situation. Or honestly, try to get out completely. Depends on if you actually enjoy being with him and if you think he’ll listen and learn. If this is what he thinks it’s normal and appropriate, then maybe he’s open to learning.
Please feel free to message me if you have questions you don’t want to make public. It’s terrible to read how you’re feeling. Many women find themselves in situations with men that we don’t enjoy. We have to learn to stand up for ourselves and be firm in our boundaries. Don’t feel bad for being confused or not knowing. I’m glad you’re able to ask this question on Reddit.
Uhmmmm. I take care of my wife and pay for everything – plus, I cook and clean. Yet, I do not dictate when or how often I have sex with my wife and if she says no; it’s no. My dear, what you’re going through is a form of abuse and yes – it is a red flag. I’m sorry you’re going through that.
Reading OP’s comments and seeing that she is *18 and he is 26- married a year ago* this man definitely knows what he is doing- and is a creep too. He deliberately preyed upon a young and naive barely legal adult because he knew he could get away with things like this. Please seek help OP- this marriage should’ve never happened. He sounds like he’s grooming you.
Sadly many men have been told that once they marry you in some cultures and religions your body is not your own. I am sorry you have to go through this and I get the feeling that the women in your life are probably equally traumatized and rationalized this life for themselves. I hope you can get out. Age gaps are fine when you are not barely legal and probably were groomed and courted before your 18 birthday (he can probably say his elders told him a whole bunch of bull) but at the the end of the day he rapes you over and over and doesn’t care about you really. I do hope you can get away from it and I know it will probably leave you isolated from your family and community but you might have to think if you have a daughter or son do you want them to be raised like this.
32, married 5 years, have been together for 9.
My wife has told me no, more times than I can count. That is because I am in the mood pretty much all of the time, and she is not as much. I make some kind of move every single day, I love to, it either leads to sex or she says “not tonight” or “not now” and my response has and always will be, “ok :)” and I’ll give her a kiss and a hug. Some times I’ll try again later and sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t ha!
I’ll get frustrated about it some times, or if I had a tougher day at work it sucks but it is what it is, that is for me to handle. I learned by reacting with a ok and a kiss/hug combo…the sex is probably happening later that day or shes waking me up by wiggling her ass against my cock in the morning.
I’m so sorry OP that you are having to deal with this, please use the links others have provided you.
I’m not seeing anyone look at it from the Christian side, so I’m going to share that view too. He promised to protect you, right? This isn’t protecting and taking care of you. He is taking advantage of you. If he loved you he wouldn’t be ignoring your comfort. He is not emulating Christ and being loving/selfless in his actions.
“Even if I don’t want to he does anyways” that sounds a lot like rape. Marital rape.
Christianity, the American crazy Christianity, teaches that woman are less than men and wives are there to give children, and be a slave in and out if the bedroom. It’s disgusting and wrong. Morally wrong. It’s not real Christianity.
God is all about love.