I can’t stop thinking about my bf’s ex

it’s been over a year dating my boyfriend and i (19f) still can’t stop thinking about his (19m) ex. the worst part is that he doesn’t even care about her. he was the one who broke it off after around 9 months in high school and according to him he lost feelings midway anyway. it was a very high school relationship according to him. but i can’t get over the fact that they lost their virginity to each other, the fact that she was his first and that he was hers, the fact that he has a standard of comparison and i don’t. my boyfriend is my first serious relationship and i gave all my firsts to him. he basically taught me how to do all the physical intimate stuff in a relationship. it was to the point where i feel like i kind of forced myself into losing my virginity early on just so that i could get over the hurdle of feeling like his ex had one thing over me (which was the fact that they’d had sex and we hadn’t). idk, it’s not a big deal but for some reason it just really got to me.

but it’s been a year so why am i not over it yet? it’s to the point where it’s getting in the way of my every day life. like, literally the most mundane things. back when my boyfriend and his ex were dating, she would take them around places in her car because she was very independent and able to drive. they hooked up mostly in her car (i know this not because he told me, but because i saw a comment he’d made on a reddit post a few years back about where people usually had sex before they owned a house). i got my license recently and every single time i make a wrong turn or i do something wrong, i feel this instantaneous sense of like… she’s better than me. just because she can drive. i know it sounds stupid but that’s how it feels. or on the other hand every time i drive i feel shitty because it reminds me of how capable and independent she was, while at that age, i wasn’t even able to do any of what she did. this sounds dumb asf but even cars themselves trigger me, like i hate sitting in the backseat now because i get reminded of what they would do in her car… or when i go to the movie theater i think about how they first got intimate in the back of a theater… i know it’s really overboard but i just can’t get over it and it makes me just want to cry

a few days ago i did an oopsie where i found her profile on instagram and went through her photos. bad mistake. now i remember every single selfie she posted, all her piercings, how much fun she’s having with her girl friends, and her face is plastered into my memory. it’s terrible. my boyfriend used to say he was never attracted to her but every time i think of her i see her face and i think about how my boyfriend would get turned on at the sight of her naked in her car. or if i see a slim asian girl who’s my height and looks kind of like her i get a shock of anxiety. it’s getting in the way of my productivity and everything too

i just wish i could go back to a time when i never knew her name, or her existence, in fact. it’s not even like he talks about her or anything. i feel psycho and i know i should probably see a therapist but i dont want to make my life about this issue i have with my boyfriend’s ex. idk.