TL;DR – Girlfriend teases about how she has a fantasy that makes her orgasm but she won’t tell me what said fantasy is. Says I can’t fufill it or she isn’t interested in fulfilling it.
Girlfriend has a secret fantasy she thinks about and teases me with.
There’s many layers to this story so I’ll do my best to explain it all. Basically, my girlfriend told me that there’s this “special place” she goes to in her mind when I’m eating her out, but she refuses to tell me what this fantasy is. Apparently, this fantasy is the only thing that makes her orgasm.
First of all, let me say I understand and respect the fact that someone’s thoughts are entirely their own and I have no control over that. What bothers me is the way she throws it in my face to egg me on.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 months, we have a wonderful and playful relationship. We tell each other everything and we are very open. We’ve had that conversation about each other’s fantasies, and I feel like we both have a good grasp of what the other enjoys sexually speaking.
Prior to meeting me, my girlfriend said she had never experienced an orgasm. I like to think I am very skilled in that department, and sure enough now I have her orgasming 3-4 times a day when I’m with her. When she first came, I asked her how she finally got there and she said that she just had to get her mind thinking about a certain thing.
I asked her what this thing was, and she said that it was none of my business and that she wasn’t going to tell me. I immediately got suspicious because the way she said it was borderline aggressive. As an insecure man, my mind is immediately thinking “what the hell, is she thinking about someone else?” We’ve shared everything else, why is this some big secret?
So I left it alone. About a week later I approached the topic again and was trying to survey her on it. Finally she said “You probably want to know if it’s about someone else isn’t it?” I said yes. She said it’s not. Okay, so we left it alone.
Fast forward 3 weeks. I’ve totally forgotten about this thing that she thinks about. But it resurfaced and I’ll tell you how.
My girlfriend comes from a family that was not very complimentary when it comes to their affection. I happen to be an individual who enjoys words of affirmation and to get anything from my girlfriend is like pulling teeth.
As a result, I’ll often times have to compensate for this lack by attempting to compliment myself, hoping shell agree. For instance, the other day we were talking about sex and I made a comment about how I’m the first guy to make her cum. She then said “you didn’t do anything, I just had to get my mind in the right place”
Bam. Now my brain is back to thinking about what the fuck this fantasy is. So last night we had an ugly phone call going back and forth, me trying to get it out of her and her telling me she isn’t budging.
Ultimately, my point to her was that I am a pleaser when it comes to a relationship. I love to give foot rubs, back rubs, palm massages, and of course, I’ll eat her out for literally hours. The idea that there is something she enjoys that she won’t share with me eats me up inside.
I asked her what she’s afraid of by not telling me. She said:
“What if it’s something you can’t do?”
“Its just a fantasy I have that I have zero desire to fufill- it won’t change anything we do”
“If I tell you, I’m afraid next time you eat me out I’ll know you’re thinking about it and I won’t be able to cum”
“Maybe 5 years from now I’ll tell you, but I’m not ready to share now.”
I understand this is a “get over it” type of situation. I just need help and advice coping with this whole ordeal.
25 comments
Stop asking man, you’re doing it to yourself. Maybe it is a threesome, maybe it’s a foursome, you don’t need to know nor have a right to know. My fiancée might fantasise about something I can’t do, so what. Fantasy and reality are two different things and I’ve fantasised about things I don’t actually desire to do. I honestly don’t get what there is to “cope” with. You have an insecurity/entitlement that is making you make more of this than it really is. Ordeal? Dude, you need to correct your thought process, the fact you use such dramatic words shows how much you’re overthinking this. Don’t ask again, she’s happy, she has no desire to carry out whatever the thought is, you actually aren’t entitled to know and you need to shrug and say “fantasy is part of life, many of us have them and we often don’t feel like acting out on them” then you forget it
Once upon a time, there was a show called News Radio. In one particular episode, two of the characters who are in a relationship deal with tensions similar to what you describe. The woman reveals to the man all her kinks, fantasies, and turn ons expecting the man to do likewise but he won’t. She spends the whole episode wheedling, nagging, guessing, and outright demanding he open up. In response, he gaslights, deflects, or simply refuses to tell her what secretly turns him on. She becomes increasingly agitated, frustrated, and pissed off. At he end of the episode, we learn that the man’s biggest turn on is the woman being as agitated, frustrated, and pissed off as he can make her.
You’re making it a way bigger deal then you need to be, and likely pushing her further from not telling you. People have an array of fantasties that are just that, fantasy. It might not be the act of doing it as much as the idea that’s exciting to her. Quit pushing it, the more you do the more you’re push it her to not share it.
Although she is being super annoying and childish about it she doesn’t have to tell you and you should respect that. The more you bug her the less likely she will be to tell you.
The real issue here seems to be a lack of compatibility.
> I happen to be an individual who enjoys words of affirmation and to get anything from my girlfriend is like pulling teeth.
What if her kink is teasing you with a secret?
Two options: 1) this reminds me of someone I was with. She ended up telling me though and it was that her kink was consensual non-consent. I told her I wasn’t sure I would be comfortable with that. The other option is she’s into scat/piss. It’s the only reason I can think for her worrying you’d have it on your mind too much while you’re “down there”
Complimenting yourself and trying to get them to agree is probably not the right approach to somebody who doesn’t compliment others much. It comes off as bragging, which is usually a big no for people like that (and for lots of other people, too).
Has SHE used the word fantasy?
Perhaps she just has to concentrate really hard on all the muscles and the feelings in just the right way.
I used to not get off from other people until I met my partner and while he is good, the true thing that helps get me over the edge is actually tensing up and focusing and it took me years to figure that out.
It sounds like in order to orgasm, she needs to think about something that you don’t know about. The very idea that you might know what she’s thinking about would (by her admission) possibly take her out of the experience.
That’s some pretty intense disassociation. I think it’s kind of important to think about that situation literally, instead of wondering what the secret could be. She needs that situation to finish, and that’s a pretty big reroute that’s allowing her to overcome what must be a huge mental block.
If that’s the case, I don’t think it really matters what the secret is. It could be anything. She could probably change it if she wanted to. It could be something horrifying and violent, but it could just as likely be something as innocuous as “I’m floating on a cloud and the cloud is eating me out.” It literally doesn’t matter.
The fantasy doesn’t matter, but the fact she’s fantasizing in the first place is the part of the puzzle she’s clueing you in toward. You’re concerned and asking her to compliment your own abilities, but she’s clearly letting you know that she’s tuning your abilities out in order to be able to finish. You two are having two completely different conversations.
Is any of this kind? Is it fair? I have no opinion of that. But until you two start having the same conversation (including what you e gotten out of the other comments), no amount of stubbornly circling your own POV while having two different conversations will help either of you.
Haven’t seen anyone else really comment on the “you didn’t do anything” comment she made. Even if that’s true, that’s harsh. Coupled with the fact that she doesn’t compliment you…are you sure that this is a relationship you want? I dated a girl like that for nearly three years and it felt awful trying to get her to just say nice things about me unprompted. Been married now for a couple years to a woman who returns my compliments with ones of her own and makes me feel valued and loved daily. If she doesn’t want to open up to you about her fantasy, that’s her thing. But constantly reminding you of it, especially in a way that says “you’re not good enough,” that doesn’t have to be part of the equation.
99% sure her turn on is the fact that she’s dangling this carrot in front of your face. The minute you decide you don’t care anymore she’ll get annoyed and try to entice you into guessing/pressuring her to reveal it. Don’t play her game. If she gets increasingly pissed that you no longer care, you’ve figured out her fantasy.
So she’s not ready to share, which is fine, but sort of holds it over your head. This is not healthy behavior in my opinion. If she’s not ready to share, then fine – but quit bringing it up then as it obviously makes you feel kind of insecure.
Use it as a communication lesson. “I respect the fact you’re not ready to share. I only want you to share things when you’re ready to. Please also respect how it makes me feel when you bring it up though.”
You have bigger issues. The fantasy part you need to leave alone. It could be any number of things that two months into a relationship she doesn’t want to share. She may never want to share- it could be some weird thing about imagining being eaten out by a lizard or something. It doesn’t matter.
What *does* matter is she isn’t giving you positive affirmation. Saying it’s not how she is doesn’t matter – it’s something you need out of the relationship and if she can’t work on it you’re not compatible. Her snapping ‘you didn’t do anything’ could be because she also doesn’t want to give you any positive affirmation, or it could be because you’re doing that whole ‘complement myself so she will agree’ thing which will always come off as obnoxious and she was sick of it. Communicate like a grown up and tell her you need more compliments. Hell, ask her. ‘Was I good at that?’
You have bigger issues than policing your girlfriends fantasy. Work on your insecurity and communication skills, and convey these to your girlfriend to work out a solution for you both. Or break up. It’s two months, dude.
> For instance, the other day we were talking about sex and I made a comment about how I’m the first guy to make her cum. She then said “you didn’t do anything, I just had to get my mind in the right place”
That’s really shitty of her to say. I guess you get to be selfish in bed from now on.
Nope. Stop it. You admit you’re an insecure man and the thought of her thinking of someone else bothers you. You don’t actually want to know, trust me. I’ve been in her shoes and I’ve opened up to my partners only to ruin entire relationships due to insecurities.
What if it’s multiple men? One partner can only go so far to fulfill that, especially if that bothers them. You wouldn’t want to know if that’s it. Let her keep it to herself so she can reach that blissful place without knowing how much it bothers you. Trust me she’s being honest with you about how much it’ll bother her if you react negatively to whatever information she’s hiding from you.
The thing you can do is just think to yourself “whatever it is, it doesn’t change who she is or how she feels about me or I to her.”
Part of dating is seeing if you’re compatible with someone.
It sounds like you have different love languages and different expectations/needs around sex.
It may not be this big deal you need to overcome.
It may just be that, after 2 months, she’s a great girl and also not the right girl for you long-term.
I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, if this is the biggest problem you have in your relationship, consider yourself lucky.
Between your insecurity and her failure to affirm you, this is a basic incompatibility when it comes to your sex life.
The fact of the matter is, right now in her inexperience she needs to disassociate to be able to orgasm. Along with the hurtful comment that you did nothing, she is not being present with you during sex. She is basically using you as a masturbatory tool and being a selfish lover. Listen to what she is telling you. She can disassociate and come with anyone, you just happen to be the one she is with right now.
I get that you want to feel loved and special and that you are a good lover, but it is clear you are not going to get that from this two month old relationship.
Love & sex is abundant. Work on yourself and your insecurity and find someone more compatible. There is not enough sunk cost for this amount of turmoil and heartache.
I have a few theories here. 1) she’s into consensual non-consent and potentially is trying to relive an assault but with control (its fairly common in sexual assault victims) 2) she’s secretly bi and picturing you as a female but doesn’t want to come out yet. 3) She’s getting turned on by keeping a secret or winding you up.
Either way I think you need to decide if this is what you want your relationship to be like and communicate that with her. I think this would be a deal breaker for me
First of all, very rude and uncalled for by your gf to belittle you. As a fellow word of affirmation person, I can understand how destructive that comment must’ve been.
Second of all, I actually relate to your gf. I never told my current partner or anyone what I think about to get myself off, but i almost need to get myself to this fantasy (rarely, if ever, finished without it) to cum. I never told anyone it even exists, unlike your gf however. So why not? I’m actually not ashamed of it or anything, and I don’t think my partner will judge me…
It’s the fact that the secrecy of it, is probably the biggest part of what’s getting me off. It’s my thing, and my thing alone. I can’t even get myself off without it. I’m honestly afraid that sharing it would lessen the effect of it and essentially make me incapable of cumming at all.
I had a friend who told me her special fantasy, while we were in a group setting and very drunk. Only girls. None of us judged her, her fantasy was very specific so I don’t want to reiterate it here, but a few days later I remember she told me how that specific fantasy lost ALL effect ever since she told us, especially since we didn’t judge her. The fantasy got her off for over 15 years, and now it didn’t do anything for her. (Lucky for her, she had other ones)
Seeing as i only have this one thing, and your gf seems similar, I just want you to at least acknowledge that the information is actually a big risk on her complete sexual identity.
The easiest way to get what you want, which is to know her fantasy is to not give a f***. I’m not an expert but I have worked in sales for most of my life. The easiest way to get your answer is when she brings it up do not engage. Don’t change the topic but don’t engage it either.
Example:
Her: I just had an amazing orgasming while thinking about my fantasy!
Do. Not. Say. A. Word.
Silence is awkward for ANYONE and most people will do anything to break it.
Tbh it’s sounds like she is using you for sexual gratification. Like she’s not trying to share a sexual experience with you, she’s just using you as a tool to get her off while she’s thinking about something else. Be careful dude.
It’s 100% tentacle porn.
Anyone else think the girlfriend is actually lying about having ‘3-4 orgasms’ a day and there’s actually no secret fantasy…
Sounds to me like she’s lying to make op feel better
She sounds exhausting. That’s like saying, “I have a secret..teee hee” but then not telling it