Hi guys, I need some advice.
Yesterday I (m22) was partying with my girlfriend (f19) (together for 7 months) and her friend. Later we were joined by another buddy from her friend that we didn’t know. Let’s call him Peter. We all got along well, had fun and danced together. Peter danced/jumped around with each of us at one point. I didn’t think anything of it either. We all just enjoyed the party.
All of a sudden, I noticed Peter dancing more and more side by side with my girlfriend. My girlfriend then also kept looking for contact and I pulled her to me as well, so it was just the two of us dancing together. A few minutes later, everyone was dancing by themselves until Peter grabbed his hand on my girlfriend’s neck (not choking, more like “come here”). I interrupted this directly and told him that this is not possible. It is my girlfriend. He apologized directly and said that he did not know that she is my girlfriend. The rest of the evening he did nothing more, or kept away.
However, I realized only afterwards what actually happened. I feel like a weakling. Like no man who can protect his wife. I regret three things:
1. That I did not intervene earlier. Then it would not have come so far.
2. That I didn’t hit Peter directly in the face for what he did.
3. that I pretended that nothing happened and that the matter was settled. Nothing was settled, I was angry and would rather have given him a fist.
In itself, I reacted and told Peter that his behavior does not go. If he had done it a second time, I would have given him a reminder.
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**Now for my questions:**
1. Did I act correctly?
2. Are the three things I mentioned that I regret (not) doing even worth worrying about like this?
3. I can’t get the image out of my head of his hand going to my girlfriend’s neck. It’s killing me. How do I get the image out of my head?
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I’ve also talked to my girlfriend about everything: how I was feeling, what I was thinking, etc. She also said that she herself should have done something earlier, or should have stopped the dancing/jumping around together arm in arm. She herself was shocked by Peter’s action.
I just feel like shit. Shit because I acted too late as her boyfriend and was ultimately too “nice” to Peter. A real man doesn’t act like that. In my opinion, he would have definitely deserved one.
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tldr: Girlfriend was touched, don’t know if I acted right and what to do now
14 comments
Sounds like it was all handled appropriately and your girlfriend is more than capable of telling someone to back off if they’re getting too close. No one really did anything wrong that I can see, physical violence seems like an overreaction to me.
You did handle it appropriately
Once he made a physical move you stopped it. Good
You regret not using violence when violence was unwarranted and unnecessary. That you regret this peaceful and respectful outcome, is the part of this story worth some critical self reflection.
You shut down his behaviour while remaining in control yourself. Punishing him in the face has zero benefit to you. You could get charged for assault. You also look like you cannot control your own emotions. You did the right thing.
If the friend didn’t know you two were in a relationship, it’s easy for him to overstep boundaries that weren’t outlined for him.
You reacted appropriately – you let the friend know you were in a relationship with your girlfriend, and he backed off. Physical violence wasn’t warranted in this situation, and I think it would have been quite immature and reckless if you did.
There probably were earlier times you and your gf could have let him know (like during introductions), but I think this situation was well handled by all. If he continued to overstep once he knew you were in a relationship, then that’s a different story and you (or your girlfriend) could put him in his place accordingly.
You did fine. Treating life like a movie isn’t as glamorous as it seems, what you actually did was react like a normal person.
Hitting him could have created a bigger problem. I know the urge is strong but he stopped and no one went to jail. Nice job!
You would have looked like a twat if you punched him.
A “real man” aka a decent person regardless of gender doesn’t handle situations by automatically resorting to violence. Can you imagine punching the guy in your mind? Sure. Act on it? Absolutely not. Everyone’s saying the same thing because it’s right….you should NOT have punched him and it’s better you didn’t. It’s understandable to feel disrespected and you should, however, per your own words, he backed off and nothing more happened (so he respected the boundary once he knew about it). The person I’d be more concerned with is your girlfriend. I wasn’t there and I can’t tell from your description, but it seems like she even admitted she should have shut him down earlier. It’s not your job to police your gf.,, if she had any respect for you / your relationship she would establish boundaries because she’s truly the one who should be doing it. He didn’t put his arm around your neck, after all. Of course, he could have physically over-powered her, and I’m again, not sure exactly what happened, but if I were you I would be more concerned about my partner than this dude.
Next time swing on that fool and knock his ass out.
The idea that you would necessarily need to punch him, risking potential legal trouble as well as physical escalation of a situation, just to not be weak is incorrect and dangerous. Putting yourself in danger for no reason would be making the situation worse, at the expense of some incorrect idea about what’s appropriately masculine.
Not saying there are not situations where force isn’t necessary, but this does not seem one of them.
There are consequences to hitting someone in a face no one thinks about which include a night in jail, a record, having to repeat this story to employers, and monetary punishments for years . Don’t choose violence dude you did the right thing trust me.
You handled the situation perfectly fine. You didn’t let it escalate and there’s no need for violence.
A real man doesn’t _start_ the fight, he just **finishes** it when necessary.
Violence lands people on jail.
It’s wise to avoid it.
You did stop him when you saw he was out of line.
He got the message and backed off.
Job well done.