My marriage has been full of challenges. My husband has done alot to work on himself and to be a better person but the road has been rough for me. Lately and kind of suddenly, I have lost the desire to be in the relationship and I’ve just gone numb. He is now in a great place and is putting in 100% to me and our family but I’m detaching. I don’t know if it was just enough is enough or why now… when he is finally in a place to be the husband I needed. I don’t want to walk away and regret it but I am having trouble feeling anything at all. Any suggestions or experiences out there?
42 comments
Any ideas at all about what triggered this?
So, I read somewhere that when a SO of either sex makes improvements in their value, it can cause negative effects in the other spouse, who was used to being “the more desirable one.”
Suddenly the other person has more value points, and that causes feeling of no longer having the upper hand, or having to work on one’s self to re-establish the relationship on the terms they became accustomed to, and in some ways realize belatedly they preferred.
Don’t know if that might apply here. But I think you can either accept it and be grateful, or if you aren’t able to accept it, journal or talk to a therapist to try to understand the underlying issue.
Good luck!
usually the woman who builds the man up and gets left for another woman gets cheated on, but you’re letting him go willingly? odd! find out why you want to let something good go. either through introspection or through therapy
>working on himself and to be a better person
>The husband I need
Yup time to leave apparently.
you may need therapy since the dynamic of your relationship has really changed with this marked improvement in his personality. If he’s made all these improvements for you the least you can do is make some changes for him
Age affects feelings. Emotional and physical. See a Dr (of mind and body) to make sure it’s not something that expert care can’t fix before doing something you might regret.
I 100% recommended therapy, just for you. So you can answer these question for yourself before making any major decisions
Why don’t you go be the wife he needs? Or try?….
Try dating each other again. A lot of couples disconnect because they forget to date, woo and romance each other. Life gets busy. Therapy helps, too. Even if you find an unbiased friend to use as a sounding board. You already know the answer, you just can’t see it yet
It’s frustrating finding out who we really are sometimes. Fantasy never lives up to reality. We all make choices and whatever the reason we use to justify them to ourselves the truth is that….we did it because we wanted to.
Sounds like your husband needs a better wife.
Are you guys still ‘dating’? Spend some quality time together, go and do something. Give it a few weeks and if you still feel the same way then maybe you know your own answer.
I mean don’t waste his time if your not gonna be loyal or into the relationship at all.
People grow apart and often grow sick of each other. After the lust and passion fades a relationship evolves into a friendship. That’s when we discover we don’t have as much in common with that other person. Don’t stay with someone you’re no longer in love with.
Honestly if your really not feeling like being non a relationship you should leave in the end your gonna hurt him and yourself so just end it or take a break and tell him”later on if I have the desire to be in a relationship we can try again” but only tell him that if you really feel like that
Hmm correct me if I’m wrong but I think you might be m angry that all along he seemingly _was_ capable of being as great as he is now but wasn’t for many years. Sometimes we tolerate a lot of stuff from someone because “that’s just the way they are, they can’t change, I have to learn to love them as they are”. When they _do_ suddenly change, you might be thinking “well, why didn’t you do this 6 years ago??? Why did you let me struggle that entire time? Did you just not care enough about me to change until now? If you were capable of stopping all along, why did you hurt me so much?” Hearing how the first years of your marriage went, I’m not surprised you might be feeling this way. It might help to think that maybe at the time, he really couldn’t change and it had nothing to do with you. At the same time, you might simply have fallen out of love a long time ago but now finally feel safe enough to explore those feelings.
Frankly, just get over it. Walking away because you’re just not feeling it is stupid.
Have you gone to therapy to help you process all of this?
Going through this w my gf
Depends on what he did that he had to work on himself.. that itself can take a toll on anyone depending on the situation of course.. maybe he took to long to start
Ahhh I feel the same way with my bf of 6 years. It took us forever to get to a good place and he’s barely showing progress to be the man I hoped he’d be. I feel mentally checked out now. I hope it gets better for you.
without a doubt you are still holding on to some feelings from the past – there might be a good reason for your numbness, I’m sure it makes sense even if it seems to be coming out of nowhere or counter-intuitive.
what would happen if you felt something again, if you let go of the resentment? try to imagine it and then reflect on why it’s so hard to do. do you still feel anger that you weren’t able to express in a time when your partner needed you? are you afraid to be disappointed if you ended opening up to him again?
If that’s how you feel, it’s how you feel.
Consider therapy or some other means to suss out why you feel the way that you do. If could be that you’re suffering from depression and that the whole world looks crappy right now. But if it ends up being that he just isn’t for you, break it off.
Divorce is terrifying and heartbreaking, but so much less so than staying in a bad marriage.
I wonder if his issues allowed you to ignore your own and now that he is solving his you are left without an excuse.
Sounds like therapy to me.
I’m really happy that things seem to be moving in a positive direction especially now that everyone is willing to put in work to keep this locomotive moving! All the advice here’s has been great including seeking therapy to work through your personal barriers. Things to start doing immediately that might help:
1. Gratitude: focus on 3 things everyday that you’re grateful for. The more you can do the better but at least 3. The more genuine and very concrete the better. It can be about nice thing your spouse does but really it should be anything that brings you a smile. The smell of rain on cement, the sound of the frogs before bed etc.
2. Ask. Ask for what you need. For people who have been the primary supporter (which it sounds like you have been) it can be challenging and scary to start to depend on another human. Maybe you question his growth and how dependable he may be or maybe you need a new dynamic? Try asking him for help (and others if needed) for things that make your life more enjoyable. Can you help with dishes. Do you mind calling to schedule xyz… asking for help builds trust and shares the burden of life.
3. Fake it till you make it. Your relationship is what you wanted but for some reason (which you can dive into simultaneously) you’re not happy. Fake happy (which is not the same as not speaking your truth when you need to), plan activity based dates (bowling, movies) if you can add in some scary, thrilling, or heart pumping activities that would be best (see research on misappropriation of arousal)! Positively praise what you enjoy and ignore the bad (for now). Want something compliment it on him or in another: oh isn’t that sweet he opened the car door for her that’s so rare these days (but be sincere not back handy). Thank him and tell him how much you like when he does (insert any activity he just did – in the moment).
I hope these tips help you to refocus your energy and mind towards happiness. Our mind survives off of what you feed it. Feed you mind some positive things to focus on!
I was or still am married for 22 years and maybe only 7-10 years were good. I tried couples therapy, he put in no effort. I tried/read the love dare book. I would dress up in lingerie and would get denied. My back story was he cheated with 2 ppl I know of and I stayed for the kids, I stayed because everyone in my life told me I’d never find anyone else and my own mother blamed me for his cheating. For a few years I tried hard. We dated again, I gave him more attention etc. My own self worth and esteem was demolished. I had an affair as well and at 1st I felt horrible for cheating but got the attention. I dated him off and on for 6 years and 2 years ago met someone who showed me how a man should treat a woman. Now I’m with him, someone that I can communicate with, laugh with, love with and I’m completely different. It took me 10 plus years of misery to find someone and now living with them. There’s something’s I learned… people don’t really change, they change their appearance, maybe show more attention when they feel they might lose you, and you feel obligated to stay. I wish I left back then! I wish I had enough backbone to say I’m worth more and should be happy. I definitely would do therapy for yourself, take a few steps away or a vacation/staycation by yourself and keep a diary of your feelings and thoughts. For me, I accepted that he cheated, I couldn’t forgive what he had said to them about me, the woman he’s suppose to love. Sometimes what people have done or said to us in the past can’t be accepted and resinate in our heads. In your case try communicating, spice things up, go on dates and see if there’s anything there. See a therapist and after trying and it doesn’t work, I suggest a trial separation, see if that works. I found he and I are better parents when we are separated and I’m a better mom, communicator, happier and wish I wouldn’t have wasted so many years. I hope things work out for the best for you, just don’t take 10 years trying and remember to love yourself 1st, do best for you and trust me, kids would rather see you happy than depressed. Good luck!
Tell him to start being an ass hole again. Women are always into that shit.
I think a lot of women have this situation. I’ve had it happen in 2 relationships including the one I’m currently in. I’ve had it happen to friends.
The boyfriends or husbands that are wonderful in the beginning, they get the prize (their partners) and give up. Maybe they become lazy, highly critical, unsupportive, take you for granted, treat you like a maid or roommate. Could be a few things or a combination of the above.
The woman brings it up, nothing changes. The woman continues to bring it up until finally she checks out. She grieves the loss of the relationship while in the relationship. We tend to not walk out the door until we’re a 100% it’s done.
About the time we shut down is around the time the husbands take notice something is different. Suddenly they start to improve and become everything you’ve been begging for for years. If the complaint was they never helped with house work, suddenly they are doing 70% of the house work. Mr perfect.
Problem with this is it’s extremely rare these changes are legit or even permanent. Because for one, changes people make for others rarely stick, it has to be a change you make for yourself because you desire it yourself. Changes made to appease others is a mask that does fall off at some point. Also if they are the perfect partner to make you fall in love, your dream girl or guy, and change once they’ve married you or move in with you, the person you fell in love with was never real. They just bring that person out whenever they know you’re walking out the door.
I would recommend therapy solo first then couples therapy. If you still love your partner you can stick around and it’s ok to have your heart guarded right now. You understandably have to make sure their changes are real. I’m always happy to give my partners another try, but if I get a hint their changes were a mask to make me stay in 100% done. In those cases you have to just leave the person without notice really. Otherwise they keep putting on the mask and pulling you back in. The mask maybe gets prettier and prettier which each time they wear it to distract you from the fact it’s fake. I had a relationship that took me 5 years to leave since he kept becoming perfect any time I’d mention wanting us to go out separate ways because I wasn’t happy in the relationship. Finally one day I waited for the perfect time to just cut it off.
I highly recommend “embracing each other” by Hal and sidra stone.
It sounds like (no criticism here, just explaining) you may have felt “needed” whenever your husband was “a mess” and now that he’s gotten his stuff together, you don’t feel needed anymore and feeling needed happened to be a large part of what you valued in the relationship that you had with him.
​
Therapy is the best option for sure. I don’t think this is a “7 year itch” at all. Do you have children at all? Maybe he was filling that hole and now that he has things figure out, you are craving someone else that “needs” you.
There are ups and downs in all relationships. It’s a growth spurt in your relationship. Don’t throw it all away. Keep pushing through.
I’ve been through that.. and stayed a long time after detaching. Realized how stupid it was to stay once I was free. There’s no point in staying.. and once you’re free, you feel so alive and happy. Waiting so long for someone to treat you better and be better is exhausting and a part of your feeling die everyday.. then one day you just don’t feel anything. I get it.
Love isn’t about feelings all the time. This is honeymoon period stuff when you are so alive with feelings and excitement. When you’ve been with the person for decades, of course the “high” will fade.
Love is CHOOSING to be good to them, help them, encourage them, put their needs above yours even if you don’t FEEL like it. Unless they are cheating or abusing you, you are pretty selfish to debate ruining a marriage just because you are getting bored now.
If you ever loved him then you’ll work on the marriage. That means you keep dating each other and keep courting each other, dressing nice, keeping in shape, always going out and going to new places together and trying new things like when you are dating. You don’t “WIN” them and then not have to try ever again. If both of you communicate honestly and with love and both keep trying and courting each other your marriage should do well.
I’m gonna be as real as it gets.
It’s likely because of the fact that he changed for you. You were obviously attracted to the person he was before. Else, you wouldn’t have married him. If any of the things he changed about himself were things YOU wanted him to change, then that’s just you losing respect. You ladies have a real habit of changing men and then leaving them when you figure out that’s not what you wanted. That’s fixable.
HOWEVER, if you lost feelings just because, There’s really nothing you can do for that. If you lost feelings, what is it that you’re going to do that’s going to change that? Nothing, because then you’ll feel like you’re being held. And, if you go to couple’s counseling, what do you think will happen? The counselor, who’s likely a woman, will make it so that your husband will have to fix himself because you’re unhappy. That’s not fair.
You need to honestly be careful about what you say. You may not have lost feelings, and you may just be getting bored. If you’re BORED, then communicate and ask him to do the things he used to. Because, if it’s loveless…
Forcing yourself to stay in a loveless marriage is going to make you, wait for it, cheat on him. Eventually, that’s what’s going to happen. Not because of him. But, because of you. You’ll feel trapped and look elsewhere for the sparks and butterflies. Take the initiative. If you’re no longer happy, leave.
Your resentment took time to build up and if his change is too little too late, it would explain why you are leaving. That being said, perhaps you need to give his ‘changed state’ some time to counterbalance the resentment before making a final decision.
Having been divorced and being in a relationship similar to yours, I can tell you that if you reach the point of no return you will know it in your gut. Once you get there, fighting to climb back out is rather pointless. That being said, the one regret that lingers from my divorce was not fighting hard enough and giving my marriage every chance. If you are unsure of whether you’re *done*, then I would give his changed behavior time to take hold and see if it makes a real difference over time.
If you cannot find the energy to put in your share of the work to make your marriage last, then you need to be honest with him and end things.
Well, you found a project, married him, and the project is done. Instead of being ok with who he was, he was hen pecked into becoming a different person.
Time for a new project for you and a time for him to find a gal that appreciates him for who he is, once he finds himself after becoming someone you wanted
I would seek mental help, that is a possible sign of a PD so it can’t hurt to see a doctor.
well he put in the work to be what you wanted so don’t you think you should do the same ? You need to talk to him and at least try to figure out your sudden change of heart. Counseling maybe ? Good luck to you and your husband.
Well bless him he can’t do anymore than what he is doing? Then all I can say is you will never satisfied even if he gave you the moon as your to much into yourself to give anything back to someone who totally loves you? We call those sort of people Narcissists self centred anx selfish. Me me people never giving and getting the joy of giving just taking!
Is it possible you are one of those people that need to “fix” or “save” those they are joined with? Were you forced when young in a position where you had to care for others due to some type of neglect. This could form your personality into a carer and if things are going well now you have nothing to fix so the thrill is gone, or is it just a case of too late. Try to think back to the beginning of your relationship, what brought you 2 together, is it still there? Could you revive it. Try and think on your needs and why you feel dissatisfied, talk to your partner without blaming or hurting his feelings and maybe see a counsellor if you two can’t sort it out. Good luck and Don’t be too quick to give up on a good thing, these feelings may be caused by other stresses or biological factors.
I split with my wife last year after 16 years together.. in hindsight it could probably have been fixed..
I still think it was the right thing to do, but it caused months of grief and heartache..
My advice would be to take a step back and ask yourself what you want.. but do everything you possibly can to save this relationship.. once it’s gone it’s gone.. it’s so true that you only realise what you have when you lose it..
You said you felt disconnected.
Would you want to try to reconnect ?
Maybe, talk to your husband,
share how you are feeling,
and maybe start fresh again.
Like starting all over.
He could ask you out on a date,
and court you.
Hopefully, you would fall in love again
and you two could recite your marriage vows.
That would be so romantic and beautiful.
Good luck Miss.