I’m starting to date again after a long while of nothing. I get very anxious, but still pushing myself into as many dating scenarios as I can
I think part of my anxiety stems from me wondering what the other person is thinking/feeling. I get concerned that in choosing to kiss or sleep with them (neither of which has happened), I am letting them down, and hurting them, by later deciding I am no longer interested, I want to avoid hurting people.
In an ideal world, I would want to feel is that kissing, or sex, is just the next step in understanding if I like that person or not, but struggling to get myself into that headspace.
So reddit, I’m wondering, what does kissing or sex mean to you when dating?
Stories of personal experience are welcome.
\—More background info—
I’m in my early 30’s, male, I’ve had two relationships in the past, one that was 5 years, but it’s been 5 years since my last relationship. To-date, I’ve not hooked up with anyone.
3 comments
kissing means i am not repulsed by the thought of our lips touching.
sex means i am not repulsed by the thought of fucking you.
The hurdle is really that low. It CAN mean a lot, but it doesn’t have to mean anything if i kiss or have sex. Meaning is all about the person, not the act.
>Stories of personal experience are welcome.
I am a straight man and i literally sucked a dick yesterday just because it was there, i was curious and i wasn’t repulsed by the guy/the thought of his dick in my mouth. We are both straight, didn’t get sexually aroused by it (besides the obvious boner through stimulation) and it meant nothing. Doesn’t change anything between us.
For me, kissing is intimacy. Sex is vulnerability with more intimacy than just kissing.
Kissing means I think I’d like to kiss you and I believe you’d like to kiss me, too. Same with foreplay, which you didn’t mention but I have to single out from sex.
With sex, I think that I know I’m taking a risk in letting you get close to me and the inevitably complicated responses and negotiations we’ll have to go through for both of us to understand that we aren’t repulsed by each other and that my panic attacks and related issues that might come up are a result of PTSD and nothing to do with them personally and, God, do I hope they don’t use this against me if I fuck this up this time, actually, matter of fact, why am I even bothering with this, I should just be alone, why am I doing this to this person?
Or, in other words, yeah, it definitely might hurt my feelings if I have sex and it doesn’t work out. Lol But what I’ve learned over the years is that consent and communication is the best way to get through all the bullshit. You can try just ignoring the elephant in the room and hardening yourself to hurting others because you view it as their responsibility, but if you *actually* want to get past the bullshit and do your best to not hurt people, the best thing you can do is communicate consent and respect boundaries. If you can do that, people like me might get hurt but I really do hope we’ll appreciate the respect and companionship for what it is.