I (M29)just came out of an abusive relationship with my partner of 10years (M38). We dated for 2years and have been married for the past 8yrs and it was like a switch turned after we got married. And like fool I did stay I guess he was my only sense of familiarity and family since he was my first gay relationship since after coming out and moving to my college city.
I work a remote job so the physical abuse got worse with each year and at a point I couldn’t leave the house without express permission. We had a child via surrogacy 2 year ago (a stupid decision on my part again but nonetheless my daughter is the best thing to happen to me ). After a particularly bad fight a months ago I got pushed off the stairs and our daughter saw the whole thing I called the cops and gave a statement and everything and he was arrested as there was also other evidence…
He contacted me through his lawyer and asked me to retract my statement and in exchange he would waive his parental rights and give me full custody as well as never contacting me again. I talked to my lawyer and I decided if it was what I needed to get away and be rid of him from I and my daughter’s life I did retract my statement and he was released.
I’ve since moved back to my country of origin and my work allowed for a transfer for me though it isn’t a remote one I don’t mind and it has been a hard adjustment but one that I’m relishing.. I like the feeling of not constantly looking over my shoulder. ..
But apparently my friends caught wind of the full facts when they found put my ex was released and have been lambasting me through text message and calls and social media about how I’ve set back the fight against abuse because of how cowardly I acted and I should learn to grow a spine and all that….
I feel I took the easy route out and I’m now doubting my decision.
15 comments
There was no good choice. You made one that allowed you to reduce your suffering overall, and to protect your child from an abuser. This was a perfectly reasonable choice.
These aren’t useful friends. Sometimes the best choice is the one that messes up your life the least. This is one of those times. He could’ve really drawn out and fucked up custody and could’ve been a problem in your life forever because of your daughter. But instead you reached an agreement that puts him firmly out of your life for good. Does it suck that he wasn’t punished more seriously for what he put you through? Yeah, it does. But you made the best choice for you and there’s no shame in that. Get better friends and don’t worry about it.
In the US, it is unlikely he can sign away his parental rights like this, but I don’t know if that is true in other countries. Both parents not only have rights, but also responsibilities with regard to their children.
Also, what did your lawyer say about this arrangement?
Remind your friends that you were in a shitty position and, given a choice between protecting yourself and furthering the cause, or guaranteeing that your daughter is protected, you chose what any parent would. If they’ve been in that position and chose otherwise then they can give themselves a pat on the back for being stronger than you, but if not then they don’t get to judge you like that and those that want to continue to do so can find themselves someone else to be around, as you’ve already had to cut someone abusive out of your life and you’re not inviting others in.
You are not required to be a martyr for the fight. You are a person first, and a parent to boot. You deserve to be able to live a safe life, and especially secure a safe life for your young child, away from him. That is more important than the nebulous “fight”
There were no “good” choices available. You made the decision that was best & safest for you and your daughter.
Yes, it’s infuriating that he won’t be held accountable for his violence outside the social consequences from your mutual circles but these cases are notoriously difficult to prosecute and, even if he had been convicted, you might have been obligated to co-parent with him and allow your precious daughter to spend unsupervised time with a villain.
I am sorry for what you endured, I am glad you got free and I hope you thrive as you move forward. Best of luck.
NTA. Abuse is complex and anyone not living with your specific circumstances of it needs to mind their business. A huge reason people often stay is they fear their kids being helpless in visitation and also the harrassment that often follows. Abusers rarely actually get sentences that make a difference and people who bring it up in custody trials actually are more likely to lose custody. This really probably was best case for you unfortunately. They should be mad at the system, not you for doing the best you can in the system.
what country drops charges because you retracted statement to police. you said there was other evidence??? did any of your friends mention… now he’s free to abuse the next woman?
They set back the fight against abuse by shaming a victim for taking the path that will allow them to heal the most. You made the best decision for you and your daughter, and you took the action that would protect your daughter the most. Your friends are being incredibly cruel
Find new friends
My dude, I would have done the same thing. If I could ensure an abusive piece of shit never had access to my child? I’d have done that in a heartbeat.
If you didn’t have your little one? sure, keep pressing charges. But my best friend spent seven years in divorce court trying to protect her kids from her ex, only to get murdered at the end of it. The police couldn’t prove it and the girls belong to an abusive murderer now. You did *great*.
I honestly would have done the same thing you did and I don’t blame you. You got (and hopefully he will keep) a promise for him to forever leave you alone. Most importantly, you don’t have to coparent with an abuser worrying about if some day he will hit your child or even kill her. That’s the most important thing you could get, I think. No one should judge you regardless, it’s not like anyone prepares us for our partners to be awful and violent. You did your best at making a good decision that would keep you and your child safe
You made a reasonable decision for your safety and your child’s safety. They are ignorant to assume they know what is best. They aren’t the ones that he would kill if he didn’t get his way.
While I support your choice, when he does this to another it’s gonna be that much harder for them to prove it. He’ll never get the help he needs or be put away this way. But again to each their own. And yes I’ve been in this situation before.
What?!!!? Can I just tell you how proud of you I am and amazing you are?? You saved a child from an abusive father, you reclaimed an opportunity to live your life free from abuse of that man & you were gracious enough to settle his petty desire of retracting your statement. Truth exists no matter the record and those who question are not the friends you may have hoped they were. That’s ok. The most important thing is you and your child are SAFE & HAPPY. There is no easy way out, but son, you did great. Thank you for putting your ego aside and doing what’s right for your kid and yourself. Your daughter is so lucky to have you in her life. Stay blessed and best wishes to you.