Last post is [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wkyn4h/best_friend_28m_never_disclosed_he_was_fwb_with/)

Thanks for everyone’s advice. Definitely didn’t break up. I couldn’t go through with breaking it off. I read all the comments and had about 50 arguments with her in my head where I played both sides. Then I got ready to end it and dump her, but Wednesday she was informed that there had been a horrible tragedy that rocked her whole family and she was just beside herself. She was so upset that I had to call out of work at the end of the week to go be with her.

She begged me not to leave, so I told her I would stay. I work in a field where I’m exposed to these kinds of issues on the regular and was able to help her family navigate some common issues and help explain what happened. Her family is really not in a place to do anything right now, so I’m going to spend the rest of the weekend here as no one is eating or thinking clearly and so they need some people who can help relieve some pressure.

I had to call my friend because I didn’t have some things I needed, so he went to my place, got everything, drove the 2 hours to bring it and then offered to cover my shift on Monday so I can stay a bit longer. That’s the kind of thing I meant when I said he was a good person. He’d drive four hours round-trip and cover for you without expecting anything in return.

Last night GF was going to bring up the issue between us, but instead of having a difficult conversation in the midst of these circumstances, I asked that we just drop it. She wanted clarity and I asked that we ignore it and move on, act like I never found out. She agreed to that. She’s been in need of a lot of emotional support and she has been really struggling, but throughout everything she’s taken time to tell me how much she loves/appreciates/cares for me and has thanked me repeatedly for helping out. I was helping her mom clean up from a meal and she thanked me for all the help and told me some things my GF confided in her. It was very sweet and apropos of nothing. Her family has been incredibly welcoming and kind despite the circumstances and the fact that I only met them twice before all of this. It’s a little weird to go from being at dinner at a restaurant and a family birthday to sleeping in their daughter’s room and helping them understand complex issues.

Altogether it’s really weird and our issues feel a million miles away. I feel awkward about having considered breaking up with her (I had gone over it a million times in my head). I’m not sure how long she’ll need me here for, or how long she intends to stay, so I guess I’m sleeping on her floor for a while yet. Does it suddenly not bother me? It still bothers me.

Some people said that their behavior was inexcusable and others said I was a dirtbag for bring it up. I still feel like they lied to me. They knowingly didn’t disclose what their relationship was (it had been sexual and they said they were just distant acquaintances). Neither ever mentioned the entire time we were dating in the early phase that they had been going at it, moreover, we had spent a lot of time together as a group and they pretended to just be acquaintances. That feels really shitty to me. Really, really shitty.

I still feel weird about being with someone my friend was with. I feel weird that we both “know” her in that way. I feel weird that her past is a constant reminder when we’re together. When my friend came with my stuff, they interacted for a brief moment and made a feeble attempt at a lighthearted joke about it. It was awkward. I get that on the whole they are entirely wrong for each other and were just mutually bored. She wanted a relationship and was with him until the right one came along. Unfortunately for me, the right one was me, and she was with my friend. I still find it gross.

But, on the whole, I think I can get past the gross. I can get past the weird, awkwardness. I have asked that this info never, ever, be shared with anyone who may not know. I have asked that the subject not be brought up again and over text I asked my friend why he thought we’d hit it off knowing their history. He wasn’t apologetic per se (more of a “I told you so” kind of thing) but did explain his rationale.

I’m annoyed at my friend and annoyed at my GF, but she needs support and so I need to put all the emotions away. I feel gross and unhappy in some ways but in others I realize that she and I have a great thing, we share a lot of goals and are aligned on so may things. I know she loves me and I her. I’ll get over the dick size differential eventually and hopefully she’s not secretly harboring resentment that I’m not hung like a Clydesdale.

So, long way of saying nothing changed. Proceeding as if I never found out and pushing my emotions down. Best way to operate for me.

tl;dr I was going to dump her (I doubt I could have gone through with it) but she suffered a horrific family tragedy and I am supporting her. She confided in me how she feels about me, and it’s clear she needs me right now so I am pretending I never found out and she has agreed to act like I never found out. I’ll work through my problems over time and will just stop talking about it and hopefully time makes it better.

37 comments

  1. Lol that your business I pray we don’t see you here again goodluck with your relationship

  4. Uh. Rug sweeping for a couple weeks might work. But longer than that, it’s going to be bad news.

  6. It sounds like the lying bothers you. Don’t let it fester too long. Either hash it out with both of them (when the timing is better), or move on.

  7. You still need to talk to her and your friend about it. Otherwise, you’ll bottle all your feelings and end up resenting them, or it will come up when you are upset about something else.

  8. So… When the dust settles and she’s emotionally stable again… Where will things be? When you guys are sitting on the couch laughing, what happens when you get that twinge of a memory of how fucked up things were. Jesus man, good luck for your sake. Life often does not reward the virtuous.

  11. You’re a fucking doormat, get a fucking spine. Even if you stay with her and your friends, you need to learn to stand up for yourself, this was embarrassing to read

  12. By reading your update, it feels as though you are in no way ok with this, you feel bad for your gf at the moment, so you tell her it is ok, it does not sound like you are ok at all.

  13. Lol, sweeping shit under the rug never helps. Take it from someone who had both her parents pass away within 7 months of each other – I had gotten into an argument with my partner and he tried to sweep shit under the rug when I clearly needed clarity regardless of the grief I felt – I needed to be able to take control and feel my feelings & talk shit through. That’s the ONLY true way to get over anything. Sweeping it under the rug and “letting time heal” doesn’t work. It’s a bandage. You need to at least talk with her about it. Tell her your feelings and maybe even ask her to not make those “lighthearted” jokes about it considering how hurt you were finding out this information & none of them gave a fuck in the slightest of how hurt you were. And now that something traumatic happens you just forget the shit they did to you & sweep it under the rug? Yeeeesh, I bet you’ll be back on here in a month or so; give or take.

  14. People will always treat you the way you have been treated as long as you allow them to. Have some self respect. I’m all the way on the other side of the internet and I still feel embarrassed.

  15. Interesting how she completely invalidated your feelings but now is expecting you to cater to hers but ok.

  16. Don’t stay just because you feel guilty that you would be leaving her at a difficult point in her life. You shouldn’t stay with someone because of guilt, it’s not healthy.

  17. I don’t know man I wouldn’t be ok with that. But if you can move on I’m very happy for you

  18. once the whole situation is over with her family and things are better, I would bring it up or even mention to her now that you would like to talk about it just not right now so that when you do bring it up she’s not super shocked thinking you were over this awhile ago etc.

    just think about what you wanna say and why exactly it bothers you so much so that you guys can come to a resolution & you don’t just shove your feelings away

    trust me i’m the type of person that just bottles up my feelings forever & never brings stuff up & it makes it 100x worse

  19. Wow this was hard to read. Me and my bf driving in the car reading your post are shaking you from the other side of the internet, wake up my guy.

  20. Staying because of trauma is not a good thing. You can support her, and be her friend, but it sounds like you are not going to get over that dirty feeling, and going forward that will resurface. Advice is to get her thru this in a platonic way, and then take a break. Are you both really what you want? If so start over and rebuild, but do it on your own terms with complete transparency.

  21. Well I wouldn’t suggest to just “drop it” rug sweeping doesn’t solve situations it just boils it until you burst but if you’re focusing on a more pressing matter I understand why you’d push it to the side

  22. Hey OP, I read the original post where you wrote about bad experiences on dating apps and how long you’ve been single. Sounds to me like you’re settling and you’ll rather be in a relationship than walking away from someone who callously says, “get over it.” I don’t know man. After the cloud of the trauma has passed, how will you really deal with that level of dishonesty etc? I think you’re doing a great thing by helping her in her and her family’s time of need but that’s temporary but your relationship has the potential of being permanent. You know what’s also permanent, memories. Can you live with the memories of your best friend being potentially 50 shades with your girl for the rest of your life? Good luck to you. Never make a decision while desperate.

  23. Don’t box it up man, I’m telling you. Won’t end well. Just rip the band aid off and talk about it. Diffuse the situation once and for all. Then continue with life

  25. I didn’t catch the original post but

    Him fucking her whilst you guys were in the early stages of dating makes him a bad friend. And her fucking him in the early stages of dating makes her a bad bet.

    You haven’t dealt with the issue at all. It’s been pushed to the side due the family tragedy. My advice; help her through this tough time and then dump both of them. Or maybe just dump both of them now.

  26. They’re making jokes together about it when it’s just the three of you? Jesus

    Seriously, before reading this sub, I had no idea there were people like you out there that have such little self respect.

    Hopefully you will wake up one day soon and realize that you’re a doormat for your GF and best friend.

  27. Ouch, well good luck with that decision… With friends and a gf like that, who needs enemies?

  28. I love how you were flat out betrayed and then put in an incredible amount of emotional effort to trauma bond with your betrayers. This will end poorly

  29. He’s such a good friend he lied to you for 6 months whilst him and your other ‘friends’ laughed behind your back, but he drove 4 hours and did 1 shift so all forgotten, hey? I hope this works out for you but honestly, they happily lied repeatedly to your face and you didn’t know so you arent going to know when they do it again. You chose ignorance and they know now your cool with it. If was before you met would be fine as its their past but he set you up THEN slept with her again. He isn’t a good guy, at they very least you need new friends. She isn’t much better, he reply speaks volumes, wonder how she’d react if this was the other way around?

  30. so you’re too scared to break up with her and can’t stand up for yourself? you’re doing a great job OP. that will get you so many places in life 🙂

    don’t come back up here a whine when you still feel some type of way about this months from now when you had your one and only chance to leave easily without looking like you’re “bringing up old stuff” to your gf and best friend.

  31. I don’t think a family tragedy is a good reason to accept lying to you. Had it never been asked and they had not lied it may be different. But they were asked and they actively lied and that is what is actually gross about the situation. Not the sex, the lie.

    ETA: also your best guy screwing the girl you are actually dating is gross. Penis size is not nearly as important as having a spine.

  32. So you pussied out and let her personal drama block you from the issue and decided to console her because you have a background in sympathy? So what happens when she’s all better and this comes back up? It was important enough for you to post and stress out about it, but now you’re like “Fuck it. She’s sad, I have to become captain save a hoe”. I’m all for happy endings and whatever makes you happy and whatever, but dude wtf… You seem like a real pushover.

    I can’t wait for the reddit post about who she moaned your friends name or that she came back from a trip pregnant.

  35. This sounds like a terrible idea. You don’t ignore issues because the other person went through some big bad terrible thing and you feel obligated to help them navigate it.

  36. They told you to “Get over it” after they’ve lied to you for 6 months. This update should be about you dumping your GF and droping your “best friend” because they are both shity people, but you’ve decided instead to swipe everything under the carpet and all for the wrong reason. I would’ve just told them they can continue their FWB because they deserve each other. Find someone better to date and better “best friend”.

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