Me and my gf (both 25) are in a 4 years long relationship. She is sweet, kind and I love her, but… she has NO sexual fantasies.
I have tried many times to help her explore something she would like, even talked to her when she was super horny, etc. but no success.
She always says that she loves our sexual life and that I have a got a false idea about sex from porn… but I have had sex with many girls and trust me, I know many girls love it rough, dirty and there are many fantasies.
To be fair, once time she told me that she loves getting oral from me, which is the only one thing my last gf hated… 🙂 And I am not super into it, but hey, I try my best to make her happy.
The situation is tearing me appart. I would not like to leave her, but the sex is not fulfilling for me. Do you think she will get some fantasies and it will get better with time..? Or is there something I could do to make it better?
25 comments
Some.people dont have sexual fantasies.
My wife has none. It can be difficult.
Dude, she’s just vanilla. You are justified in leaving if you aren’t satisfied sexually
Maybe she is afraid to tell you, mine said the same she don’t like big dicks and one night she was drunk and told me she likes bbc and her ex was 9” …not black though
Pull up a list of kinks and y’all have fun going down the list and talking about them and looking them up if you need to hahaha she may find something intriguing. She may just not know what she doesn’t know. Sometimes there’s a kink that’ll make you say, oh I never thought of that and then boom! BUT if y’all make it down the whole list and still nothing, I would say you’re not sexually compatible. Maybe she’ll be into letting you have extra relationships on the side, but if not, it may be an issue.
I love sex, but I hate it rough and dirty.
Perhaps you just goddamn accept that she is the way she is?
Maybe take turns picking out porn to watch? My husband and I did this. Not that everything you watch is something you want to try, but it could maybe uncover some kinks 🤷🏻♀️
Everyone has fantasies. Some rare, some common. Not everyone wants to tell, and you can’t force them. If she isn’t telling you after 4 years, she just doesn’t want to and you have to accept that
What constitutes a fantasy I guess? Like if someone likes fantasizing about being “taken” (to me I mean, like swept off my feet and thrown on the bed, clothes ripped off me etc etc) Is switching positions something she doesn’t even do? She doesn’t fantasize about anal or ask for me/ask if you want it? What is it you want her to say or do is what I’m trying to ask?
Because maybe she doesn’t think about being choked or held down, but if she’s horny and you ask her what she wants what does she say? Because that’s her “fantasy” I guess
How about you tell her you are bored with your sex life instead of making her feel wrong for not having any fantasies or kinks. The girl is satisfied (I would be happy with that if I was you.) so it’s clearly your problem, not hers.
After reading all your comments she’s just vanilla bro, like my gf. You have to decide if you can live with it for life as it’s unlikely to change.
Everyone is so oversexualized. Leave her alooone.
I bet some of the women you were with who loved it “dirty” were conditioned that way from societal expectations. I used to be like that. I even told my husband when we first met that I was into choking and slapping, my ex was into that, I guess I just adapted. But my husband is nothing like that and after being with him for a while I can’t imagine going back to the weird porn-like shit that was going on before.
I suggest you just take a chill pill.
Yeah many women like tons of kinky stuff, I have a lot of fantasies but many women dont 🤷🏻♀️ depends a lot on every person
I don’t have fantasies either but I’m always down to try almost anything my husband suggests. He seems to have enough ideas for the both of us. Even if it’s not something that would come naturally to me, it’s still fun! And watching him be satisfied is hot.
Does she at least try to do things with you?
We know from reports like the Hite report that about 15% of women never have any fantasies about sex.
Do you find here accommodating? What I mean is, my wife has NO fantasizes either and it sucks, I agree….. .but she’s open for just about anything I want to do. Maybe you just need to suggest things you want to do and see where that goes…
She is sweat.
My SO and I were discussing fantasies and kinks and we both came up blank. We decided to try and learn more. There are two shows we watched together:
Netflix: How to build a sex room
Tubio/Amazon: The good girls guide to kinky sex
Both of these exposed us to brand new idea (to us), we would pause often and discuss things. We made a list of all of the ideas from the second show and then went through that with “yes/no/maybe” on each one.
Another thing I just learned about is [https://mojoupgrade.com](https://mojoupgrade.com) where you each answer a bunch of questions on your own. I did my questions today and will send the link to my SO when she gets home from work.
None of these may work for you, but they have done wonders for us.
Yes, there are lots of girls who love it rough and dirty. However, there are lots of girls who do not.
She’s vanilla, that’s her sexual preference. There’s nothing wrong with that, you can’t force her to partake in things that she doesn’t like.
Either you communicate and come to a compromise(meaning you might not 100% get your way), or you accept that you aren’t sexually compatible and part ways so you can both find someone who is.
> Do you think she will get some fantasies and it will get better with time..?
Don’t bet on it.
The fact is: there are some people who don’t have sexual fantasies.
And from your comments, it sounds like she’s also not up for trying out anything you might introduce, fairly tame or not.
So the fact of the matter is…you two may simply not be sexually compatible. It sucks. It happens. It is something worth ending relationships over.
You probably do have a very false idea about sex from porn. You absolutely sound like it. Why didn’t the relationships with your dirty rough girls work out?
Maybe she has responsive desire…
Much more nuanced than many believe!
your “not super into” performing regular vanilla oral on your woman… but you expect her to love it rough and dirty… LOL. okay dude.
it’s been 4 years, the chance of her sexual preferences changing is a lot lower than the chance that she stays the same. you ask for or introduce whatever it is that you think you want, and she makes a choice whether or not she wants to do it. if she says no, and you don’t want to live the rest of your life without it, end the relationship and find someone who is into the shit you need.
Ill be frank; as a women. A mom and a wife of 15 years. I didnt have any fantasies till more recently in our relationship. I just didnt care back then; my priorities were else where.
Fantasies don’t equal good sex, and at 24 your still learning about yourself and sex.
So it’s not that she has no fantasies that’s the issue, it’s that you have different interests in sex and like different things. She’s not deficient, she’s not missing anything, she is just her own human with her own likes and dislikes and they are different than yours. She’s allowed to have no interest in the kind of sex you find satisfying, and it’s not ok to pressure her into that. The reverse is also true of course-you are allowed to not find her preferred type of sex satisfying and it’s not ok for her to pressure you into something you’re not comfortable with.
The takeaway here is that you are not more advanced, more complete in your sexual desires, or more forthcoming. This is not her fault anymore than it is yours. You are just different, and you need to discuss together-with zero blame or pressure on the other – the fact that you two are sexually incompatible and decide what to do about that. And understand that as awful as it sounds or as silly as it might seem, sexual incompatibility IS a big deal and is a valid reason to end the relationship. Look at how many miserable people there are on r/deadbedrooms who have been with their spouse for decades and things have finally just come to a total halt entirely and their marriage is crumbling as a result.
How in the hell do you know she doesn’t have fantasies? Ummm that’s what the dictionary says something you visualize . It doesn’t she tells you. Imy not gonna tell my wife or past gf’s my fantasy it’s stupid and corny.