How should I feel about something my ex said?

This is going to be a long story, but I’d appreciate honest advice. I truly want to do the right thing in my situation so I don’t care if the truth isn’t exactly a pleasurable experience for me. I have absolutely no interest in preserving my ego. If I’m wrong please let me know. Feel free to be as harsh as necessary if I’m extremely wrong as well.

Tl;dr at the end.

I (22m) recently asked my ex (22f) how I was at sex when we were together. I realize this dynamic might seem weird to some people, but I think she knows that I’m simply the type of person to ask something like that for self growth, so she answered honestly.

For some context: we were together for a year and a half. She was my first sexually, but I managed to give her orgasms from the start. If you had asked me to guess I’d have assumed I was around an 8.6/10 to her. She was able to orgasm consistently and seemed to very vocally enjoy it, but there were times that I would seemingly prioritize my needs over hers. I say seemingly, because it was not intentional. It was only for a few weeks throughout our relationship where I would be too depressed to even enjoy sex. I was selfish and would settle for letting myself orgasm before her during these times through other means. I take full responsibility for it regardless and know that I should’ve done better for her, but besides that I’d say I was very good with her at least. We had sex pretty often outside of those periods of depression. I would pretty much always give her an orgasm a day/session when we were able to have sex. There was times I’d give her up to 4 in a day and 2 or 3 in one session. As I said she was my first, so I was under the impression that she enjoyed it because of all of that.

The thing that makes all of this confusing is that we were long distance. I noticed that when we were apart she would very quickly become detached from me. She would yell at me occasionally in our phone calls and I would typically accept the blame for whatever it was about. Not to say it was never justified, more that when we were together we’d typically talk it out. It got to the point where she would cry because she didn’t know why she was being mean to me. Anyways, during these moments it’s like she recontextualized our entire relationship. She would just forget that we ever had good moments and when I mentioned them she’d say she was faking happiness or things like that. Then when I would see her she’d say she never meant it and that she didn’t know why she said it.

So I came to realize that I couldn’t take everything she said at face value and had to learn to not let the things that I wasn’t sure she meant get to me. This was all fine until we broke up and agreed to stay best friends and keep in close contact. We ended up mutually separating because she just felt she could not date men anymore. I absolutely understood and was fully supportive of her doing whatever she needed to for her happiness. It went okay until she changed her mind about being friends over the course of a few months and became extremely distant and callous. Basically how she was when we were apart. I tried not to pry into it because of the fact that it involved her sexuality in a way. I really did just want her to be happy.

A few months after the breakup we were talking and it came up in the conversation that she never loved me. She basically said that she’d been faking it for a year and a half and didn’t know how to tell me. I told her that I was hurt to hear that, but that I appreciated the honesty. That is essentially the source of the issue.

I took her words at face value, but it always ate at the back of my mind that all of this might just be her doing what she did when we dated and recontextualizing. Not to say that those feelings weren’t valid, just that I have hundreds of memories of her showing genuine joy at my presence. From pointing out everything she loved about me over and over to prioritizing me in a way I can only imagine means love.

Eventually I just learned to let it be and assume that her love for me was genuine, but somehow so was her saying it wasn’t. I just couldn’t bring myself to pick and choose her truths for her.

This was fine until she answered the question about sex.

She essentially told me that I was mediocre. That I never showed interest in helping her orgasm or learning what she liked. I can’t say if the first part is true, but I can most definitely say the second part isn’t. I gave her orgasms in almost every way you can give a woman an orgasm. I’d pretty often give her orgasms with my hands or mouth and stop there if she wanted, basically letting the entire session be about her because I enjoyed making her feel good and that’s just something I feel I owe my partner. There were times where after sex she’d tell me it felt like a movie. Like that sex was so magical that it couldn’t be real. I distinctly remember her staring into my eyes with a smile afterwards on occasion like she couldn’t believe how good it was. We’d have sex without break for up to 4 hours and probably average around 2 with me giving her several orgasms and me not having any until I knew she was satisfied. Always with her having this look like she couldn’t believe it was this good. As before with the love, I have hundreds and hundreds of these memories of her very very clearly enjoying it. I know for a fact that she told me several times that I was the best she’d ever had. She wasn’t into men before we met. She’d had sex with some before, but more as an indifferent kind of experience. She specifically said that I changed that for her. That I was the only man she has ever been with who she would want to stay with. Even after we broke up and she had very much detached from our friendship, we still hooked up a few times despite the distance. Almost always with her having multiple orgasms in the session and me having one.

That’s essentially all the context for my question.

How am I supposed to feel?

Do I just remove myself from the equation and remind myself that everything she’s feeling is valid even if it hurts me? Do I take it with a grain of salt because of her tendency to disassociate the happiness I think she experienced with me?

I guess the reason this is a big deal is because she’s my standard. She’s the person I look at and say “that’s how sex should be” and according to her my dream standard is mediocre. I know there’s no magical answer, but I guess I’m wondering how everyone else would make all these puzzle pieces fit together. I still love her as a person and even if it’s only in my mind, I’d like to process in a way that’s fair to her.

To be clear, it’s not a big deal if I’m bad at sex. If I am then I am. It’s just that this was the experience that defined what good sex IS in my eyes. We were truly comfortable with each other in every way and could always speak our minds about anything we felt.

Tl;dr: My ex-girlfriend tended to disassociate from our relationship and “forget” that she was happy with me. She recently told me I was mediocre at sex, but every memory I have with her and sex contradicts that. Should I take her experience and feelings at face value or is it right for me to assume she’s just grown to disassociate from what she experienced like she did before? It’s hurting to hear that someone I thought loved the sex was truly indifferent about it, but that could very easily just be my ego talking.