My ex always escalated discussions into big arguments. I felt like everything I brought up was reasonable, but to him, they weren’t. He would always, without fail, respond in a dismissive, aggressive, or demeaning manner. I sometimes felt like my ex would respond with a strawman argument.
I never raised my voice or called him names; I tried to keep the peace for as long as I could during these arguments, but nothing seemed to quell him. It seemed like we would go back and forth for ages without backing down from our stances. Our arguments would end only because either one or both of us would run out of steam. You can imagine it was very frustrating for me, but here is an example:
We were trying to plan a trip to the local museum in May of this year, but he told me he couldn’t buy tickets and pick a concrete day because his work schedule was “packed and unpredictable.” (The museum trip was his idea fyi.) Couple days later, he told me his friends invited him on a weeklong trip to NYC in July, and he said he accepted. I wanted to discuss why/how he could make time for the NYC trip, but not our museum trip.
He accused me of being jealous that he’s going to NYC but I wasn’t, then tried saying I was jealous and angry that didn’t invite me along. Finally, he accused me of trying to stop him from having fun with his friends. I literally said nothing about how going to NYC made me angry. I encouraged him to go; I was only upset that he said he was too busy for a museum visit, but made time for a weeklong out-of-state trip.
There were many mini-fights of a similar caliber, and they followed the same pattern: I notice something he did that made me feel hurt or uncomfortable, I bring it up to him, he gets defensive/offended, argument ensues, ends after at least an hour with him begrudgingly apologizing or me apologizing.
I don’t want to repeat or run into the same issue in my future relationships. What can I do?
3 comments
In case you’re curious, or need examples of other arguments before constructing advice for me:
• The Restaurant:
Ex and I had a dinner date at a restaurant, and he recognized the host/server as an old high school friend. The friend kept coming over to our table for 5-10 minutes each, just to have a conversation with my ex. He did this 4 times in total. I later expressed to my ex that I didn’t like that he kept allowing his friend to impede on our quality time together. (I would have said something but I didn’t expect the friend to keep coming back. It’s also his friend; he should say something.)
Ex became really upset, and was offended because he felt like I was putting unnecessary blame onto him. He said, “My friend was the one who chose to keep coming over, what was I supposed to do about it?” He then said, “Why are you so upset that the attention wasn’t on you for this one date? You have my full attention every other time we hang out!”
The last thing he said about this was the strawman; “Now I’m nervous to take you out in public with me. What am I supposed to do if I’m with you, and I see a friend in public? Am I just supposed to ignore them?”
IIRC, the argument finally subsided when my ex conceded that as a fellow server, his friend was in the wrong for taking so much time off his shift to talk to him. I don’t think he apologized or empathized with any of my other points.
• The Zoo:
The plan was that I would drive to his house, then he will drive us to the zoo. He insisted that I needed to arrive before noon to be on schedule. It’s a 45 minute to an hour drive to his house, and I gave him a heads up text before I started driving. When I arrived, my ex was not ready to leave, and hadn’t even showered.
I had to wait an additional half an hour for him to get ready, and all I could think about was “what was he doing during my drive instead of getting ready?” I also didn’t like that he insisted I be punctual, when he couldn’t follow through with his half of the plan.
I told him I was annoyed, and he should have better time management skills. He got upset, claiming he was “busy all morning doing errands and didn’t realize how long they’d take.” He also said that he was “a busy person doing his best to make the relationship work” and “thought it was best to cram his errands and zoo trip in the same day to make him less stressed, and to make me happy.”
Again, I told him it was an issue, his issue, with time management. I tried to be sympathetic, but his “logic” made it difficult. I wondered why he decided to schedule a zoo trip on a day he designated for his errands. Or vice versa; why insert errands when he already planned a zoo trip for that day? He did not see his plans as flawed, which caused the argument to go around and around.
• The Donuts:
I was driving to my ex’s house, and he called to tell me that his gym was serving protein donuts. He got half a dozen, and told me he was saving 2 for me to try. My ex said he “couldn’t wait for me to try them.” He then asked me what I wanted for dinner; he was getting takeout.
When I arrived at his house, there weren’t any donuts. He said he ate my portion because he “got hungry while he was waiting for my takeout.” And apparently, he felt like it was okay to eat the donuts because he was bringing me back some takeout, so “it wasn’t like he left me with nothing to eat.“
I was upset and incredulous that he consistently chose the worst ways to handle himself. If he was that hungry, he could have ordered dinner for himself too. He could have called or texted me asking if it was okay to eat my portion. He could have at least saved me 1 or even half a donut, but didn’t.
He kept telling me he “couldn’t understand why I was so upset about a couple of donuts.” I kept responding that the donuts were secondary; I was primarily mad that he was being so inconsiderate. He started this by literally calling that he was saving a couple of donuts for me. He kept apologizing for eating the donuts; I wanted him to apologize for being inconsiderate. I ended up dropping it because he was not budging from his stance.
Too me this just sounds like someone being to young to have have a “discussion” instead of making it into a argument.
A lot of of this could boil down to maturity. From most of what I have seen. What I have experiansed myself and what I have seen among my friends… Most if not all young Men do not have this figured out.
In this day and age we are all losing out on the ability to hold a discussion and not be pushy. To be able to sit down and hear the other person out with the partners feeling in mind.
All communications made between people can be tactical made to not force blame onto the other person.
A lot of young Men becomes “comfortable” without taking the time to consider the partner feeling.
I always recommend to “meditate” on the day “why did I react this way. Why did the person react this way when i said that” I do this every day.
It helps with bettering one self and mature.
There is nothing more attractive then a person with vision and the willingness to improve.
In my humble opinion:
Fuck this guy
You need someone that respects you at all times and treats you right. It’s unfortunate that this is such a high bar now. Especially if you want something that will last “forever.” Imagine having this clown as the father of your kids. Imagine how much of an issue that would be. Or if something big (like death of a family member) came up and he acted this way.