Hello! I (27F) may have unintentionally put the idea of a threesome in my boyfriend’s (30M) head. We have been officially dating for a month after a sort of rocky start where we were supposed to be exclusive but he was still talking to other women about going on dates. Things have been pretty great over the last month and I thought, for the most part, I’ve moved past the rocky beginning… but maybe not?
For context, I’ve had a threesome with an ex-partner before and I told my current boyfriend about it. I didn’t enjoy the threesome as much as I had hoped because it was with a woman who was my ex’s friend from high school and I didn’t get much say in the matter. I am definitely bicurious and find women attractive, so I would like to find a woman who is comfortable in her bisexuality.
But I’m scared. I regret bringing it up in the first place because now my boyfriend is “unicorn hunting” and even though we talked about finding someone together, he has been doing a lot of the communicating with potential thirds without me.
I’m very submissive in bed and I really want to make his fantasy a reality because pleasing him is what turns me on. But given our history with how the relationship started and the fact that I’m already starting to feel excluded from the whole ordeal (similar to my last threesome attempt), I don’t know what to do. It probably also doesn’t help that I’m falling for him and I’m quite sure it will be a while before he feels the same way about me, if ever (long story, he’s going through a divorce).
Edit: I am still interested in a threesome for my own reasons, I just don’t want to sabotage my relationship to scratch the “am I bisexual” itch..
TL;DR
Will having a threesome ruin our new relationship? What do I do about this mess? Help 🙁
25 comments
If you’ve changed your mind, just tell him. Honestly, it’s a month in and he’s already showed you that he’s not the best at sticking to exclusivity. It seems like he’s using the threesome as an excuse to continue exploring potential other options.
At a gut reading, it seems like this guy is a recent divorcee who’s not quite ready for a committed relationship.
If one party isn’t fully on board with a threesome it’s only going to end badly. Don’t do it.
Your bf might not react well to you telling him it’s not an option but be firm with him, it’s your choice. Explain your reasoning and hopefully he’s decent enough to understand and drop the issue.
Show him this post (or tell him what you’ve written here) and note his reaction. If he’s angry or pissed off, the threesome isn’t the issue. If he’s understanding and respectful, you two can always revisit this in the future when you’re totally sure what you want.
A threesome is the kind of thing you really can’t just throw into a relationship with everybody being 100% on the same page, and that *should* matter to him.
The threesome may not ruin your relationship, but your feelings about a threesome after doing this just because your boyfriend wants it will definitely help things fall apart.
Yes, you will regret this if you go through with it.
Your feelings right now are a sign to throw the brakes, *fast*. Threesomes only work if everyone is on board and *enthusiastic* about them, not just going through the motions to please a partner. Doing it “for my partner” is the number one mistake people do with threesomes. It very very very very often leads to resentment, guilt, anger, and the eventual death of the relationship.
You need to tell him you’ve changed your mind, and you need to tell him why. If he’s worthy of your love, he’ll understand.
I don’t see this relationship lasting. It’s too soon for a threesome (best for very stable established relationships that have earned a lot of trust, and your not even over the rocky start only a month ago). He’s using it as a reason to solo talk to women again. It’s going to be your ex all over again with no say in the matter. I think you need to completely shut down the 3way talk until the relationship has grown and he can stop talking to women behind your back… Or break it off an save yourself the heartache. Seeing a lot of red flags🚩
It’s a month of “supposed to be exclusive” and this asshat is auditioning thirds without you based on a vague mention of something you did before, and didn’t enjoy.
I am also submissive and bisexual and let me tell you: You’re describing a walking red flag of a sex partner. I’d be putting my foot down, and probably also declaring this man to dumb to date.
This is a dumbass, irresponsible “dom” who doesn’t give a shit about your comfort level, to clarify what conversations you want or need to have, or even to confirm he has your full consent.
The threesome isn’t what is going to damage this. You’re dating a 30-year-old who doesn’t know how to communicate clearly about sex. He is pursuing his own fantasy without any care to the risk of damaging you. This is gonna hurt, and not because of the topic of threesomes.
You’re only a month into your relationship and it’s already rocky. Yes, a threesome will most likely ruin your relationship.
You’ve only been dating a month; in that short period of time, things have been rocky; you admit you want a threesome mostly to please/keep him; he’s still not divorced; this attempt went poorly for you before. It would probably ruin the relationship, but from what you’ve described, it doesn’t sound like it’s built to last to begin with.
What relationship? It’s been a month, he’s not even divorced, it’s been rocky the entire time, and he’s already communicating with women without involving you. This is a whole mess, not a relationship.
But let’s pretend it is.
From everything I’ve ever observed (so obviously anecdotal and not a peer reviewed study or anything) threesomes only work when the couple is on the same page about boundaries, who the third is, etc. If that’s not happening then yeah it’s bound to be disappointing at best and a disaster at worst. You probably won’t even enjoy it – again! – because you are going in feeling disrespected and uncomfortable.
You know you can just date women without a man being involved, right?
honestly, there’s ways to make it work but I’d put 100$ on it destroying your happiness together
Tell him you would like a MMF. If he refuses tell him “no, thanks.”
Personally I feel he has been or wants to cheat on you, asking for a threesome is just a way for him to do what we has been/wants to do.
It ruined mine. Of course, my husband forgot to invite me!
You’ve only been going out for a month and he’s been talking to other women. I wouldn’t recommend a threesome even if you’d been together for a long time and you’d had no issues, but yes this will ruin your relationship. If you didn’t enjoy it last time, why would you want to try it again? I don’t get that.
Here’s what’s going to happen if you go through with a threesome: he will be into the idea to the exclusion of being into monogamy, he will take it as an excuse to talk to as many other women as he can and claim “mixed messages” if you express concern, and when you eventually decide you’re in love now and want to be monogamous he will claim you pulled a bait-and-switch.
I don’t think this guy is ready for or interested in an exclusive relationship with you, and the fact that you think you’re falling in love with him says you’re not ready for or interested in a casual relationship with him. You two should see different people.
Yes you will. Period.
These doubts you are having now is your mind giving you warning signals.
A month in, he’s already attempted to cheat on you, he is married, and he is auditioning who you will have sex with without your input. Your relationship is dead in thr water with or without it I suppose but you’re also lining up to have a shitty threesome.
This whole relationship is destined for the toilet 🚽
Yeah lol didn’t even have to read the post
As someone who is an “unicorn” and had quite a few threesomes both with friends and couples I didn’t originally no, I would nope the fuck out the second I realized I was only communicating with one partner. How it goes is usually you make a group chat with all three to get acquainted and see if everyone is comfortable and clear on boundaries (not to mention interested) beforehand. Pump the brakes.
I think that this relationship has far too many issues so early in. Not to mention, he’s still not even legally single yet (I wonder why he’s getting divorced…)
I would recommend that you take some time to be single and try to grow and develop more self confidence. You seem like kind of a people pleaser and that for some reason you’re also attracted to trashy men, which has led to you feeling like you don’t have much agency in these decisions
Above all, do not let yourself fall even more in love with a guy in the hopes that maybe he’ll fall in love with you after his divorce gets finalized!!
Errr… Considering the rocky start and how enthusiastic he seems to be jumping the gun ahead of you and searching for a third partner already without fully talking it over first… It doesn’t sound like a good solid start to a relationship. It’s only been a month. Do you really want the start of your relationship to become a thorn on your side for years to come if you pursue a long term relationship with this dude?
I don’t see how talking to potential thirds without you is fundamentally different than talking to other women about going on dates. It’s all the same bad behavior. It’s only been a month. If you feel like you’re more in love with him than he is with you, I don’t think that any of this will help you feel more secure in the relationship.
Literally google “unicorn hunting” and there’s a ton of articles that show why it’s a terrible idea, that fetishizing of bisexual woman on dating apps is not a good thing, that expectation of group sex with zero entanglement or feelings is generally unrealistic, it’s a cliche, genuinely poly people avoid UH’s like the plague blah blah blah
But girl, you’re clinging to a married man you’ve been dating a couple of weeks who doesn’t give two shits about your feelings, has already cheated on you and clearly wants to keep exploring side options or you’d be included in the conversations.
Self respect is important. You should consider why yours is so low you’re accepting this behaviour.
One rocky month where he was still dating others behind your back?
You call that a *relationship*? I would call it *off*.
If your bi curious dump the shitty dude and date a girl. Don’t subject another woman to dealing with him