Background: I (female mid 20s) met a guy of similar age on dating app. We messaged a lot found similar values and look in life, then met up in a week. The virtual and in person chemistry was very strong. We’ve hung out 4 times so far and text daily. He says hes looking for a serious relationship toward marriage, which is in line with what I want. I want to know other people’s thoughts about if these are areas for concern, red flags, or am I overthinking it? I’m holding back on a relationship as I want to observe his character. I’m someone that wants to take it slow and be friends, and he is not like that but we have communicated and he says he is willing to wait for me.

– Complimenting my looks and saying “I really want to love you” from the beginning
– Took a gap year because he got tired of studying in college. He plans to go to trade school (unsure how far along he has gotten in the process). He wanted to move to another place for school, but since he met me he felt he had to decide between staying here or not (I told him he should go where is in his best interest – in my mind, my thought is you shouldn’t base such a personal decision on a stranger you just met!)
– No stable job (I have a stable career and going back to school for a higher degree – so my standard is a partner that has a stable job like myself so we can be equal contributors, or working towards that at least)
– Foriegn citizenship, he has expressed difficulty finding work due to his status (my concern is if he is investing in me since I have citizenship)
– Asked to borrow money for rent on week 3 of meeting him (he explained that his landlord is kicking him out for personal reasons – I said no which he responded to politely and closed the topic – the way he asked didnt feel forceful but… my thinking is what about future financial problems if we were to get together)
– Follows “thirst trap” accounts on social media

Update:

– No transportation. He has a driver’s license but no car so he has been using uber for the last few dates. Yesterday, I asked him to hang out but I would have to pick him up (we are 30 mins away – not the worst but still). That was a turn off for me as I don’t see myself being happy with providing rides all the time. I think because he’s struggling financially he wants to save money from using uber which I understand can add up.

I think he’s not in a good place to focus on dating in general since hes dealing with personal problems. I would not be a priority/would have to be a part of dealing with the problems if I continue further. I feel to back away from him because of these realistic issues, although the chemistry was really good.

5 comments
  1. Asked to borrow rent money is a red flag 100. I also see it as a soft red flag when they follow thirst traps on IG, but that’s more personal preference.

  2. He wasn’t going anywhere for school if he changed his plans so easily. Maybe he was thinking about it in a vague way but he had no plans.

    Yes it’s odd that he’s planning his life around you so soon. Maybe yellow or orange flag.

    Not all flags are immediately red.

  3. These are all red flags, especially the first and the fifth bullets. I’m glad that you’re recognizing these signs now.

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