We met online and we have been friends for about 10 years now. Im a M(30) and shes F(30). We only really met once or twice when she would visit my state (California) for conventions and then just go back to her state (Florida). We talk on and off again because were adults and just get busy with life. We started communicating again around August 2020. She stated that she just left her husband of 10 years a couple months back. It was an abusive relationship, and she was happy to have left. She asked if it was okay to vent and I said sure, so we started talking more and more. At first it was about her venting about her divorce and then it just became normal everyday talking. After a couple of months of talking she stated that she had started forming feelings for me. Don’t get me wrong, I always had a crush on her since I met her years ago so this was great, but I felt like she might be on the rebound, so I told her I do find her attractive and I do have feelings, but I can’t really act on those feelings right now. My current life situation isn’t the greatest. I am still in school and currently take care of my mom after she had her stroke. She understood but asked if we can still keep talking. I said sure and thought nothing of it honestly. Time goes by and I go through a deep spiral of depression and anxiety. She helps me come back from some of my darkest times and it felt amazing to have someone there not get upset that I feel sad again or someone not get upset that I didn’t call or text them for a day because at the end of the day she didn’t care about all that, she would just call or text one time to tell me its okay to take time for myself. It honestly felt amazing. She visits again in summer of 2021 for about a week and honestly it was the best week I had in a long time. We laughed, we cried, we made love, and we opened up a lot about ourselves. It was time for her to leave and we just both couldn’t stop crying because we didn’t want to leave each other. She left and I felt such emptiness that she left, but I understood. We lived on opposite sides of the country. We continued talking and getting closer. We both talked about our trauma that we never really told anyone before. She had her lows, and I had my lows but we both picked each other up.
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Then came February 2022. I had felt something was off the past couple days but one day she asks what my plans for the future are. I responded with my heart and told her that I don’t know. What I do know is I need to finish school so I can get a decent career, travel, and take care of my mom for a while longer. Then she responded by apologizing. She said she was sorry, sorry that she disrespected our friendship. She said she wanted a committed relationship with me, to be her boyfriend. She said she’s tried convincing me this entire time, but it didn’t seem to be working so she would be stepping down. She said if I had asked her to wait that she would have. I didn’t know how to respond. My hear of still being the rebound was still lurking at the back of my mind and also the fact that we live thousands of miles apart. So, whatever we had ended that day. We still talked but it was never the same. We both talked to each other less and less. Ever since that day I think if I made the right decision. She has many medical issues going on with her. She was in a bad car accident when she was 15 years old, and the doctors said she probably wont walk by the time she’s 40. She legs give out from time to time. She could be walking, and she feel weak, and she just drops. I think about all the issues she would as she have grows older and when I think about it, none of it scares me. I am okay with dealing with that. I really care for her. I love her. I wanted to tell her that I was an idiot and I wanted her back. About a month later I found out she had a boyfriend already. I was sad. I know she has every right to get into any relationship, but it was so quick. It made me feel like all we had just didn’t matter. So, I didn’t tell her that I wanted her back. I kept it inside. In July 2022 she messaged me saying it had been one year since we had met up in the summer. She starts off by saying that shell always be sad when she sees me because things didn’t turn out the way she wanted. She doesn’t blame me for what happened. She goes to tell me that she found someone and thanks me for helping her the entire time. Then she says that if I had asked her to move to California that she would have. My heart sank. I didn’t know how to take this. I just kept thinking that I couldn’t ask her to move to California let alone ask her to wait for me. The way I see it, it would be extremely selfish for me to ask her to uplift her entire life in Florida to come to California where I don’t even have my life in order. She takes care of her mom and little brothers as well and I just couldn’t ask that from her. I couldn’t ask her to wait for me. That would be even more selfish. I can’t ask someone to wait for me when I don’t know how long it would take for me to get my shit together. Now, I can’t stop thinking about her and I want her back. I’ve been thinking this over and over for months now I may not know what I the future holds but I know I want her to be in it. I want to ask for her back, but this is where my dilemma is. I don’t know if I want her back because I love her or because I’m lonely. I have friends telling me 50/50 to stay or get her back. Figured id ask reddit and see what I can get from all from you. Sorry for the long post
TLDR: Need help if I miss her or I’m just lonely.