I love my partner and we have some great moments together but there are times when I feel like recording our arguments and playing it back to a friend for outside perspective. I feel crazy.
My partner has had a habit for years now of (IMO) constantly supplying “constructive” criticism that is unwanted and not asked for.
Some examples recently:
– Don’t load the dishwasher like this, do it like *this* for better cleaning
– Why did you feed the dog so late this morning?
(Proceeds to feed the dog late at dinner because he’s busy playing a video game, , hypocritical imo)
– Don’t make your coffee that way, do it like this instead.
– the food you made is good but it could use x, x and x to be better.
– he will be pouty and nasty at times if I go for a walk in the morning by myself get an iced coffee for that hour walk and “not bring him home one” because I’m “selfish”. Getting him a coffee would be a 15 minute post walk detour because I won’t carry two coffee for an hour and hand him water/coffee at the end of my walk
I have mentioned more than a few times over the years about how I see these comments as criticism and condescending (especially when it’s activities I’ve been doing fine for half of my life). He insists that I’m being sensitive to anything that could vaguely be critical and then blames my parents (childhood of critical parents and eggshell household).
I can’t help but feel that some of this is gaslighting. especially when I say “I don’t like that you do this, it upsets me” only to be told ‘youre too sensitive/being crazy/ ridiculous I’m just trying to help.”
Idt anyone would like making food for someone only to be given a “it’s good, *but* ….” or to be corrected on loading dishes etc. These are simple things that most functional adults know how to do and usually have their own ways of doing. But his way is the only way it seems. I’ve told him this and he claims he would be totally fine if the criticism meant he did the task better and that he isn’t trying to be a know-it-all etc.
It’s gotten to the point that I have started making notes in my phone of these events because I have poor memory and want to recall these things to him list-style one day so he can understand how often he does it and how grating and annoying it is.
20 comments
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Sounds like a you problem
If I can’t tell a person that the food is good but, what am I supposed to do ? Lie ? Lie to them all the time ?
Gaslighting is a made-up word by the way, it started being used a few years back, it has no real meaning, and it leads to people using it every chance they get
He’s infantilizing you. He doesn’t trust you and he thinks he knows better than you. This behavior is so common from guys that there’s a word for it, mansplaining. But what’s really concerning is that when you call him on it, he doesn’t reflect on his behavior or try to do better, he makes it out like it’s you who is the problem. That’s a sign that his behavior is never going to change. He doesn’t even think your concerns are worth considering. He doesn’t see you as an equal – you deserve a partner who does. Do you really want to stay with a man who doesn’t believe you are competent enough to make yourself coffee?
>Gaslighting is psychological manipulation that makes the recipient question their feelings, instincts, and even their sanity.
[https://www.ananiasfoundation.org/gaslighting](https://www.ananiasfoundation.org/gaslighting)
Not sure it’s classic gaslighting (insisting that a fictional version is actually the truth), but it sounds very controlling and therefore abusive.
I dated this guy, it was insane what I put up with for so long.
I had to put coffee grounds in a ziplock bag to throw them away because he didn’t want the garbage to stink.
I had to group any groceries I bought on the counter before I could open the fridge door because I was letting cold air out.
Garbage could only go out once a week per him, although there was empty cans outside the house, and everything had to be squashed down when you put it in or you’d be lectured.
He’d check the bathroom after I showed to see if there was water on the floor or turned the knob controlling the drain, or left water on the sink after brushing my teeth.
I could not cook because I made a mess of his stove, so he’d stand behind me and watch everything I did.
He’d tell me he’d call his mother for a recipe when I wanted to make something.
You were not allowed to walk in the snow on the walkway until he shoveled because then it would be harder to shovel somehow.
To name a few.
I had a nervous breakdown at one point, got depressed from the constant lectures and had to break ties completely. It wore me out and messed with my self esteem.
It’s controlling, and abusive behavior meant to undermine you, your confidence and your worth.
Honestly, since he seems to feel you are unable to do it without his input, next time let him do it. Walk away and tell him since he knows best he can do or
This isn’t gaslighting, but it is annoying. Although in at least one of your examples, it sounds like you are being hypersensitive to ANY criticism or help in efficiency.
I don’t know about gaslighting but I do know he sounds like a major pain in the ass.
This isn’t what gaslighting is.
It’s just being critical.
Some of those thing could even be fair. I mean, I’d get irked by someone loading a dishwasher badly. I also like to give and receive constructive criticism about cooking.
The coffee thing is pretty douchey though.
This is a combination of him being critical and you being sensitive. But there’s no gaslighting here.
A therapist told my friend if her husband wanted the dishwasher (or any chore) done a certain way it is his chore to do. She gets to load the dishwasher however she wants when she does it. If he doesn’t like it he can’t criticize her for it bc it’s literally just a preference and so if he wants it done the way he prefers he has to do it himself. That shut him up for a while.
They’re getting divorced now
Next time he says these things, tell him that you don’t need his “help”. You are fine the way you are and you don’t need his suggestions. Ask him to improve himself by not giving unnecessary suggestions/critiques. He needs to know when to shut up.
Otherwise you also return the favor and start offering suggestions on everything he does and start complaining about things that he won’t do out of his comfort zone.
Record your argument and play it for yourself later. When you’re not in the moment and feeling put down. Then ask yourself if it would be okay to treat your kids that way. I did that and I decided to show him the recording. It didn’t go well. Good thing I was already saving to get out.
I never showed it to family or friends but I would have if they didn’t support me. I picked a day when he was in a good mood and I said I wanted to talk to him about this video. It got physical after that and I slept on my sister’s couch for a week before I got my own apartment. I had money saved in my own bank account.
Separate your finances now if they aren’t already just in case but if you’re hating being criticized constantly then you need to stand up for yourself. It’s your life and you need to make choices that protect your happiness. He might not realize how he’s coming across to you and try to change but he might not so be prepared.
All I can say is thank fuck for the internet and the fact that people can go somewhere to ask things like this because back in the day all you had was a manipulative and controlling partner to eventually make you question everything and make you crazy!! Tell him to fucking do one mate you deserve better than this prick
I’m curious how he would feel if you treated him the same way. Let’s say you gave him “constructive criticism” – how would he react? Would he say “thank you so much!”? Or just defend his way as the better way anyway?
I don’t know if to call this gaslighting or not as I am not familiar with the term, but there are some red flags I feel the need to address.
Constant criticism can sometimes make you feel like you are insane. It’s one thing to be critical from time to time (and in needed situations) and another to find things to be constantly nagging about.
OPs examples if taken individually might not seem as a big deal, but imagine having to deal with this kind of “advice” on a daily basis. It will be slowly eating away at you and lower your self esteem, make you feel like you can’t do anything right. And on top of that the person criticizing you starts playing the victim under the pretense they are doing it “for your own good” and to teach you the “correct way”
Also, one extra thing that’s a bit more subtle and caught my attention is the part at the end where you mention that you have a “poor memory” I used to think that about myself also until this year, after some online fights that I was able to re-read 🙂 It’s good that you started to write things down, it will help you gain some clarity. Also, our brains are wired to discard unpleasant memories as a defense mechanism, but their impact stays.
If you aren’t happy leave him, does it matter if someone tells you it is “gaslighting”?
Doesn’t seem like actual gaslighting – he’s not telling you outright lies to try and force you into his version of reality.
Seems more like he’s trying to control everything you do, and lash out/punish you whenever you do something he doesn’t like.
Which is still abusive behavior, but separate from gaslighting. I’d say its closer to the negging side of things rather than gaslighting. Trying to keep your self-esteem low so you’ll be too afraid to leave him.
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Also seems like he’s willing to criticize you every time you’re not perfect, but not willing to examine at his own behavior in the same manner, which is an obvious double standard and a big red flag all by itself.
This is not gaslighting. But i can imagine it is super annoying and hard to live with.
He sounds very critical and thinks his way is the only way. You can tell him once more he needs to CUT IT OUT and he can do things his way if he wants but you WANT AND WILL DO IT YOUR WAY.
Who does he think he is. Your boss? Mr know it all needs to quit.
He’s an a-hole and it will only get worse. Leave. You deserve better!