So my girlfriend (25f) has always been extremely reserved about sex and she’s never really expressed her sexuality before she got with me (she’s autistic too so she views it much differently than anyone else I’ve been with). She’s told me that she doesn’t like to masturbate because it makes her feel kinda silly and she doesn’t like being intimate/sexual without me, and I’ve encouraged her to try it but she’s said in the past she sees no interest in it.
Today I got home from work early and I went to our room and she was in our bed masturbating while looking at something on her phone. I went “howdy partner” when I walked in to try to be playful and goofy and she got really startled and then she grabbed the blanket and put her face in it, and I laughed at first and sat down next to her and started to ask her questions about if she liked it and what she may have been watching, but then I noticed she was crying. I told her I’d give her some space, and she hasn’t acknowledged me much all day.
Is there anything I can do? I feel absolutely terrible she’s so embarrassed and I would love to do anything I could for her.
36 comments
Well the way you reacted wasn’t great. You can apologize to her and just let her know that if she wants to talk to you about it whenever she’s ready, you’re there for her.
She’s embarrassed. You’re just going to have to be patient and let her know that it’s ok and you’re there for her when she’s ready to talk. Hopefully she’ll eventually learn that it’s a perfectly natural and very fun part of life, but she needs to get there at her own pace.
I would apologize and tell her how much it turned you on (I’m assuming it did?)
Once she calms down. Apologize hug her. When the time is right and your cuddling with her tell her that you love the idea of her pleasuring herself and that you hope she thinks of you. Turn it into a moment where you learn about her fantasies and that you want to be a better lover to her.
Pull your dick out and stroke it
I’d just tell her that if she doesn’t want to talk about it that you won’t, but if she does you’re available to talk about it. See if moving on will help her through it.
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I encourage my wife to masturbate and I ask her to describe it to me. I don’t see any reason for bad feelings.
Apologize to her and suggest to her hey why dont we both masturbate together or watch each other masturbate at the same time just so she doesn’t feel awkward and you never know she might come around to the idea and she might enjoy it,give it a go
I would say you should apologize for embarrassing her and ask her if it’s okay to talk about it whenever she is ready. I personally don’t agree with what other people are saying on here about joining in, mainly because that is her own personal time and I don’t imagine you like people walking in on you while you’re beating your meat (unless of course you two talk about ahead of time).
TL;DR In the end what you could do for her is comfort her whatever she is ready and tell her it’s okay to masturbating and say sorry.
P.S I nearly died when I read “howdy partner”
P.P.S Sorry for the run-on sentences.
U better talk to her and tell her it’s not a big deal at all!!
An ex of mine was diagnosed with autism shortly after we had broken up but while I was still processing things. I did some basic searching online into how autism might effect things in relationships, and quite a few things I read jumped right out at me. Seemed like there was advice for each of those difficulties that might have helped things in my relationship had I known in time. I’m sure some of it could help you, maybe not this exact thing but definitely worth doing the research.
Holy fuck I’d be *mortified* and honestly just forgetting it ever happened would be my favourite option, from a girl who is also very reserved from speaking about such things out loud. I might appreciate a “it’s not a big deal, was actually kinda hot”. But I’d wanna die.
It’ll take some time. Doing something that is typically private and alone infront of someone can be alot.
My wife walked in on me masterbating early on and my initial reaction was to recoil. We talked about it later that day and I told her it was more about the suprise part than anything. Her first response was “shit, I thought I was jumping in to help” lol, opportunity missed
Involving yourself in her private time probably wasn’t the best move, give her time and don’t coddle her, she should come back around
Next time just be silent so you don’t disturb the incredible moment, sit down, watch, masturbate too and soak in the moment and the goodness of life!
Perhaps next time so something sexual for her so she knows you like it 🙂
I’d recommend not approaching her sexuality with humor. She says she feels silly. It sounds like she’s struggling to feel sexy, and ends up feeling ridiculous instead. We are told as women that we are supposed to be sexy, and that our horniness is erotic. If you see her masturbating and laugh (even if you mean well) that’ll probably make her feel dumb and undesirable.
It comes from this idea, that as long as we’re sexually available men will forget about anything and want us. I think your reaction probably made her feel insecure. Because it turns out men’s desire doesn’t work quite like that, and they aren’t immediately smitten just by glancing at a naked ankle.
Maybe once she feels comfortable with it she’ll be able to laugh and joke, but before that she’ll feel like the joke.
I’m also an autistic girl & something very similar happened to me recently actually! I forgot to clear my internet history and my girlfriend found my porn. It was so embarrassing it made me shut down. I like to have a lot of space and time to process. I have lots of feelings of shame and guilt around some sex stuff too, I like to be reminded that it is normal to do that sort of stuff and that she does still love me or doesn’t think i’m weird.
Just move on like nothing happened.. she just needs time to become comfortable with her sexuality.
You bringing up again won’t help.
I would apologise for making her feel embarrassed and tell her they wasn’t your intention. You could also mention to her that if you did find it sexy that you did so.
She is embarrassed and sensitive and she is on the autism spectrum. So you need to be patient and loving and understanding and show some compassion and respectful. You should also apologize to her and listen to her when she wants to talk.
Sexually repressed person here: I’d be mortified if this was me. Things that I’d love for my partner to do if this happened:
Tons of affirmation, “I love thinking about you masturbating and love that you’re exploring your sexuality”
Lots of space to process that.
Then normalize masturbating for me. Tell me about things that you like in your “personal reflection time”. If she’s cool with porn tell her about things that turn you on to watch.
I have no idea if that’s something that would help her, but I hope you guys get lots of time to process this together 🙂 best of luck
Knock on the door or make some noise next time!! Jesus people!! We don’t lose our privacy just because we are in relationships.. She was hurt, I’d be annoyed. I like privacy when I’m using the restroom too.. and if she’s autistic she really doesn’t like surprises…come on now.. I hope I’m not coming off rude.
Does she like to read??? I’ve known a lot of people who have opened up quite a bit since reading spicy novels.. Just a thought..
She’ll never tell you what she was watching. Maybe it was girl on girl stuff and she’s super embarrassed.
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I find your post very thought provoking and I am sorry to answer your question with more question.
I think it is a good opportunity for anyone who is interested to think why there is more shame in women to masturbate or to openly admit they need sexual release. Further how did this conditioning formed from their childhood. Are mothers too protective of their daughter in puberty when she expresses her sexuality or engage in sensual self pleasing? Why is there more fear their daughters will be sexually too open compare to male child? Is it the fear of male sexual predators? But I am certain some mothers are also worried about sex play with her female friends as well which happens quite often in puberty.
Do family environment make the difference between women who are sex positive as an adult vs. women who carry more shame/ fear about sex and their bodies?
You misjudged the situation, you’ve gotta be patient with people who have autism, all I can say is try to comfort her, or ask her if you want to never talk about it again. You could try telling her you do it all the time, and other women do too.
You have to masturbate in her presence by chance, and continue masturbation after she noticed you till you reach orgasm. And educate her not to embarrass her.
THAT’S HOT!
You have to talk to her. Put the experience as a positive. “I’m sorry that I interrupted you during your special alone time. But I’m excited and happy that you tried. Exploring and learning what you like will help our relationship. Plus I think it’s hot and sexy.” Then go from there.
Just tell her you’re sorry and you didn’t intend to embarrass her. Then reassure her how incredibly sexy she looked and tell her that you’ve been biting for her ever since.
You should have gone to her and asked if you can get involved and made her comfortable with you do so telling her how hot it is and how much it turns you on! Then take the vibrator from her and use it on her!!
Was she watching porn tho?
You got nothing to be sorry for continue your day
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You need to give the young lady time to process . just hug her ask if shes ok and go with what she says do not bring it up untill she has had time to process. when she is done processing let her know it is ok and that its normal to feel embarassed let her know how hot you thought it was and that you would love to watch her sometime . also say she can watch you anytime. suggest you do it together. if shes not ok with it drop it and just keep going as normal. My 17 year old son has autism and his GF has stuck with him for 2 years through thick and thin. she caught him watching porn and he was a basket case for a few days while processing then she chatted with him and they were more then fine.