I’m 5 months pregnant and have a 2 year old. My husband’s grandparents passed away, one about four years ago and the other last year. We made it a priority to attend both of their memorial services, which was a few hours away and not very easy with a 1 year old in a pandemic.
Flash forward to today. His family planned yet another memorial service halfway across the US at the grandparents summer cottage to spread ashes and so family out there (where grandmother grew up) could attend.
My husband was dead set on going. I’m 5 months pregnant and told him I absolutely can’t do a 13 hour car trip. I have hip injuries from the first birth and would be in excruciating pain from a car ride that long, not to mention having to pee a million times. The 2 year old is very rambunctious and it would be super difficult with her too. She still breastfeeds and cosleeps with me so dad taking her and leaving me here was not an option. Neither was airplane travel due to costs.
I told him I didn’t want him to go. But I can’t control him and he makes his own decisions. He decided to make a vacation out of what was initially supposed to be a memorial. I understand wanting to go the memorial… but it is the second one. We already honored them… shouldn’t he prioritize being with his pregnant wife and child instead?
Well. None of his 3 siblings are married or have families of their own. So my husband and his parents and siblings are now all away on a weeklong retreat while I’m here pregnant and struggling with my stubborn tot. They are sending “family” pictures of all of them hiking and swimming and boating doing ALL the leisure activities and I’m here just like… what the actual fuck?
My husband is 35. He is out gallivanting like he’s 15 again with his original family. His daughter and I are supposed to be his family now and he straight up peaced out on us. It really shows me what he prioritizes and seems incredibly selfish.
Does anyone else have a spouse that just doesn’t view your family as the new family unit?? I’m all about spending time all of us together with his family. But leaving me and his daughter to do that seems super fucked up. And he is mad at me for being upset about it. How do I get through to him? Am i being unreasonable?
TLDR: husband said he was going to a memorial and made a week long vacation out of it with his parents and siblings, leaving his pregnant wife and daughter at home. Am I wrong for feeling upset?
47 comments
It’s not a holiday. It’s a trip in memoriam. To finally spread ashes. It s one off thing to say goodbye to his grandparents. Support your husband in enabling him to say goodbye one last time.
You can’t travel with him. Your 2 yr old needs you, and can’t go with him either.
Sometimes families have to pull harder to support each other. Take one for the team and deal with it. It’s not like he’s doing it all the time is it?
It’s ok to feel left out, but it’s not the end of the world. He’s not abandoning you. You’ll get past it. Life could throw many things at you but this is nothing major.
I would personally be okay with this of it was my husband. It’s not like a trip with his buddies to go drink beer and see strippers for a week he’s just spreading ashes and spending time with his family. I would just let it go this trip is probably really important to his family and their healing.
As long as he can afford to not work and as long as you and your child are safe at home, I don’t see anything wrong with it. 🤷🏼
I can see why you may be feeling frustrated and annoyed that he is having so much fun with his family while you’re stuck handling things at home. But honestly I can see his POV. Once you’re an adult it’s hard to get your parents and all your siblings in a room together for an extended period of time and just hang out. I mean hell, I think I’ve seen my own father maybe 3 times in person in the past 6 years because coordinating travel can be so hard. This might be the last time an extended trip like this can happen where everyone can get the same PTO approved and can afford to see each other at the same time. I think a trip like this is something that seems really important to your husband to remember his grandparents and enjoy some family time, and if I was in your shoes I would be trying my best to support him in this so he could have the support and family time he needed. If it was a regular thing where he was taking off without you I would agree with you, but this sounds like a one off thing.
I think this depends if this is frequent or a one-off.
If it’s truly a trip to memorialize his grandparents, it’s not unreasonable. Unfortunately, that makes things difficult for you during this stretch and he should absolutely be conscious of that. If I was trying to negotiate doing this with my wife, I’d damn well be offering to send her on a girls’ trip or a couple spa days as a thank you.
If he’s going on a trip like this every 3 months and hanging you out to dry every time, then there’s a deeper issue where he enjoys being a father when it’s convenient to him but not otherwise.
It’s normal to go on a memorial trip to spread his grandparents ashes. He’s not in Vegas. You were invited you just decided you couldn’t go because of your pregnancy health related issues. When you get married you don’t leave your original family you’re expanding it.
You feel how you feel and are justified for feeling left out. It’s not that you weren’t invited, you just weren’t up for going. I don’t think you are wrong for feeling upset but I don’t think you should hold it against your husband.
You are calling it a vacation which it kind of is because it’s away from home with leisure activities but the main purpose of the trip is to honor his grandparents. These are his parents parents and it’s important for him to be there for them. They prob had a lot of family memories at the cottage and are spending time talking about those and honoring his family. Every family celebrates life differently. Don’t be that wife that tries to control all aspects of his life. It is healthy to still spend time apart and maintain your own connections.
Yes, if he close with his family. Seems more like you have an issue with his siblings being single more than the pregnancy part. If you don’t trust your husband just say it
So much to unpack here.
“We made it a priority to attend both of their memorial services, which was a few hours away and not very easy with a 1 year old in a pandemic”
– death is also pretty hard. Saying you made it a priority makes it sounds like it was even a choice to go…your husband doesn’t even exist if not for the lives of his grandparents.
“His family planned yet another memorial service halfway across the US”
– they sound like a lovely close family. I can only hope when I die my family would do half of what your husband’s family are doing for his grandparents.
“My husband was dead set on going.”
– Your husband sounds like a great family man, good for him.
“I absolutely can’t do a 13 hour car trip.”
– So it’s not like your husband doesn’t want you to go, I understand you can’t make the trip, that’s completely reasonable, completely unreasonable to expect him not to go.
“shouldn’t he prioritize being with his pregnant wife and child instead?”
– does he not do that the other 51 weeks of the year? Is he a poor husband and/or father the other 98.08% of the time?
“Well. None of his 3 siblings are married or have families of their own”
– and? So he should spend less time with his siblings because they aren’t married?? Does he get to spend more time if they are?
“My husband is 35. He is out gallivanting like he’s 15 again with his original family. His daughter and I are supposed to be his family now and he straight up peaced out on us.”
– Galivanting?? What?? He’s spending quality time with his family…not his “Origanal family”…his family, period. You don’t replace his family when you get married and he doesn’t stop being a son/brother because he has kids.
“But leaving me and his daughter to do that seems super fucked up. And he is mad at me for being upset about it.”
– It’s definitely not fucked up, and I completely understand his frustration, I haven’t seen you express a single thing saying your happy for him that he has a tight knit family, or that he is enjoying his time with them.
I completely understand that his trip has made the week he’s not there more challenging for you, more stressful, and less enjoyable. I also understand that being pregnant is very tough. However, I strongly disagree that he is doing something wrong, and is somehow showing that he doesn’t love and care for you by spending this time with his family.
He doesn’t just forfeit his “original 🤨” family because he married you. They are still his family. You were invited and said no. He’s not out with the boys at strip clubs in Vegas – he’s having quality time with his parents and siblings. Get a grip
I would say if you want to go then you can take our toddler. Or you fly and he drives with the toddler.
Why should you be pregnant and have to deal with a child. The rest of his family should have time with your daughter as well – no? Do you stay home with your daughter day to day?
You say she co sleeps with you too? I would work on ending that .. do you want two kids co sleeping with you. That gets old . You need good quality sleep ( I know it’s hard pregnant but for your mental health )
It sounds like you’re jealous of your husband , he got some adult time while you didn’t.
To me it seems incredibly selfish that you are against him doing anything without you or your child. This attitude is going to harbor resentment.
You should be willing to support him being close to his family, and also that he is still his own person even though he is married with a child. He still allowed to have hobbies and do stuff without you guys.
And yes my husband and I do have a child together. And neither one of us have been gatekeepers on the other one being able to do stuff outside our immediate family
Yeah, I am on your husband’s side. He’s not gallivanting, he is spreading ashes. It’s a family moment. You’re made he is abandoning his family? He’s showing you how much he cares about family for one. This quote from you is a huge red flag: “My husband is 35. He is out gallivanting like he’s 15 again with his original family.” Original family? They’re your family now too. If you don’t think do, you are 100% a fake “family” person.
For two, your absolutely right. You can’t control him. You don’t want to go to something that’s important to him? Tough shit, that’s your fault. My parents invited my wife and I on a cruise, she didn’t want to go until I said she can stay home and I’d go without her. And that wasn’t even a trip to SPREAD ASHES. I am not sayin for you to go, but you being this convoluted is making me feel sorry for your husband.
Do you have anyone who could come help you? I absolutely understand feeling tired, frustrated I couldn’t go and left out. I would have called my mom though and asked her to come help me out for a week while my husband was gone. I agree with the others. You don’t replace his family. I have a son and I sure hope he wouldn’t feel that way about me someday. Maybe y’all could have made better arrangements for you to not be on your own though even hiring a sitter for a few hours a day so you could nap/rest. Try to get over your anger while he’s gone and be thankful that he got this time with his family. With young kids, it’s hard to do that. Hoping he’s a good dad the rest of the year and this was a one-off. Losing my grandma was really hard on me and I was gone for 2 weeks- hospice, death, funeral, memorial. My husband didn’t say a word except- Go! That time together as a family was really healing. My kids aren’t as young as yours but he took on a lot while I was gone.
I would be mad that he extended it from a few days to a week and was now having a grand old time on vacation. Him going for the original memorial to spread ashes is not an issue.
My husband probably wouldn’t but I would have encouraged him to go. It sounds really awesome for him to have that family time. As much as I love my new family unit, sometimes I miss my dedicated time with my siblings and parents.
I get that’s you’re pregnant, but you aren’t due for a few months and it doesn’t sound like he is constantly leaving you or anything. Starting a family doesn’t mean you lose your connection to your old one.
I dont know if its normal but I’d be pissed too and so would anyone who’s been pregnant while also chasing after a toddler because it’s exhausting and you won’t have a break at all no matter how terrible you feel. I never had to deal with a multiple days long trip while I was pregnant with a toddler but I might be fine if my husband wanted to go and spend a day for spreading the ashes but then I’d want him to come back instead of taking a vacation regardless of how long his drive would be
It’s only a week with a 2 year old and this is a family goodbye to a person and a place that it special to them. That they’re using the property for its intended purpose doesn’t make the whole thing some random vacation.
I can understand all sides here. Of course he wanted to be part of the spreading of his grandparents’ ashes. Of course you couldn’t go due to your physical (hip) issues, pregnancy, toddler, and a 13 hour car trip.
I think where your husband might be getting into murky marital waters is the adding on the extra days. Again, I understand why he wants to be with others who were close to his grandparents. However, you’re tired, pregnant, and alone with a toddler 24/7 for a week. If I were you, the happy family photos being sent to me would’ve pushed me over the edge.
I’d be tempted to text him videos of your toddler being a toddler—refusing a nap, throwing a tantrum, making a mess….Then I’d send photos of the state of the house and me after a couple of days of no makeup and no shower.
If the extra vacation days weren’t agreed upon prior to him leaving, and then he didn’t discuss it with you but just informed you of his updated plan, I’d be really angry.
Once he gets home, can you go away (by yourself) for a long weekend and pamper yourself?
I think you’re overthinking this. I would agree with you had you not been invited but you were and you chose to decline the invitation. Let your husband have fun on his trip. You should hire a sitter and go do something for yourself. Get a massage, pedicure, facial, etc…
I sense a lot of resentment towards his family here. Have they treated you well in the past or not?
Quite honestly it sounds like OP is just bitter that she can’t go. And yes it probably would have made sense for the husband to Atleast take the 2yr old along so OP could get somewhat of a break. But Ofcourse OP is still breast feeding and co-sleeping. This is like OPs doing and so she has no one to blame but herself. My guess is OP has not had a weekend to herself since 2yo was born and she is tired but maybe she needs to start working on getting the kid off the boob and sleep trained or get the husband to also take on co-sleeping duties. Then she can have her weekend away and not be so bitter.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with him going. However, I can understand how you would be upset if he decided after you agreed for him to go, to change it from a weekend unto a weekling vacation. A couple extra days vs a whole week is a lot to leave your pregnant wife alone at home with a toddler, regardless of the reasons. There’s nothing you can change about this week now. Calmly let him know that you were feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, upset, left out, all of those things, but know at the same time that this likely isn’t going to happen again. He doesn’t need to be berated about spending time with his siblings. He likely also feels a little left out since he’s the only one married with kids – best he let loose with siblings and family at a cottage than a weakling trip in Vegas.
If my two year old was sleeping in my bed and still breastfeeding, I’d want an excuse to leave for a week too!
Yes OP, you’re being unreasonable.
Should he have made it a week long vacation? Probably not.
But should you have tried to move mountains to make sure he could get to that memorial to spread his grandparents ashes? Absolutely.
Of course he should go. The end.
If this were my husband, yes, it would be fine for him to go to the memorial. Him turning it into a longer vacation would bother me, as if it was a vacation I feel like his immediate family should also be there with him.
Since the trip is centered around a memorial, you are not close to your due date, and you were invited but chose not to attend, I think you are being unfair to him: if you were close to delivery or if you had not been invited then I would be on your side. You chose not to go and your two year old is breastfeeding so you being home without him and with your child alone is a natural consequence of your choice. It makes sense to miss him but your anger towards him is misplaced.
I don’t see what he’s done wrong here ?
Why is your 2yo breastfeeding to the extent she can’t be without you? At this age the bulk of her nutrition should be coming from food, and she should be drinking things in addition to milk/breastmilk. This almost seems like a power play.
Is there some backstory here about how he treats you or spends time with you vs with his family?
No, you’re not wrong for being upset. Since you couldn’t afford to fly, he should have driven up for the memorial service and left afterwards. That’s what a responsible, caring partner and parent would have done. You’re pregnant, breastfeeding, and have chronic pain; all of which make taking care of a rambunctious tot 24/7 for several days in a row, extremely difficult. You and his child are his immediate family and primary responsibility. His parents/siblings are his extended family. That’s what you vow when you get married and that’s further cemented when you bring a child into the world.
Even if you could’ve afforded a flight, you should’ve skipped the vacation. If you all had stayed for the week, chances are you’d be stuck doing childcare while he was off doing activities with his family.
Yes a week away is long but it sounds like you made excuses to not go and sounds like he was good with taking the two year old but you have attachment issues so I just think you sound like you are mad he’s having fun. Spouses get to do stuff separately. Being married doesn’t mean you have to do everything together – even when you are pregnant and have a 2 year old. Why don’t you plan a girls weekend with your friends after he gets back. Go out and do all of the stuff you are so jealous of him doing with his family.
Cool
So where are you going next week. Even if you take a solo dolo trip to the spa make sure it’s booked and don’t answer a cool just text for updates about babies
Honestly it’s you that sounds like the selfish one.
This sounds like a you problem
Grow up. You’re pregnant, not crippled. And you have to watch your own child solo for a week. You get zero say in how anyone else memorializes a family member (“we already honored them” are you serious with this?) and it sounds like a LOGICAL idea to capitalize on them being together to extend it a few days, given the distance. They are making memories they won’t forget as a family, & doing it in a place with meaning for their family, during a sad time. Sorry, I meant “family”. A loving spouse would be happy for him, even if they chose not to go themselves.
Thats not you, though. Your husband got *your* reaction instead. Don’t want him to go, resentful of his time & experiences there, & laboring (hardy har har) under the delusion that just because your husband has a new family, his existing family no longer matters if you want to pull rank. You & your child are his priority now but this trip takes nothing from you, noone’s disrespecting you or leaving you out (you did that) or abusing you because his attention is elsewhere for a week.
“Shouldn’t he prioritize being with his pregnant wife and child instead?” To do what? The same thing he did the week before he left & the same thing he will do the week he gets back? You’re not popping while he’s gone & sound incredibly selfish given the circumstances. If you are not capable of watching your own kid for a week, whatever made you think having another was a good idea? I suspect you are a fine mom & perfectly capable of this. Which means you’re just pissy over losing your main-character status for the week. At least try for a loving spouse reaction when he gets home, if you can. Don’t taint this trip more than you already have.
Being pregnant with a small child can be miserable. I know because I’ve been there. However your husband isn’t off galavanting on a guys trip. As an adult it’s hard to get a whole family together. It’s his family. You’re his family too and you were also invited. Could you fly there?Although it sucks, your feelings are valid. I wouldn’t villainize him for taking this time for his family.
This isn’t just another memorial trip. This was visiting their childhood cabin to spread the grandparents ashes and have one more trip together as a family.
You were offered to go, you’re only 5 months pregnant. Barring you being in bed rest or having major issues with this pregnancy, you literally could have gone.
You have no right to take this from him and ruin it with a terrible attitude. He’s not with his buddies in Vegas, he’s with his family doing something that’s very memorable and nostalgic for them. It’s innocent and it’s fine and you need to let this go. Don’t be the reason he remembers this trip being stressful or ruined.
>I told him I didn’t want him to go. But I can’t control him and he makes his own decisions.
This is super manipulative.
Your husband wants to take part in spreading his grand mother’s ashes, it’s important to him, and you want to guilt trip him over it because YOU don’t want to go.
Then you make comments like “his original family” and “we are his family now”
You are downright emotionally abusive.
Op it sounds like you could use a break, and when your partner gets home, you need to prioritize getting one. Your 2 year old will be fine without you and if they aren’t, then it’s a sign it’s time to start getting them used to not being the only child. With cosleeping and BFeeding, your LO is going to have a very difficult time adjusting to the new baby! When dad gets back it’s a perfect time to start crib training and night weaning, and your partner can take the lead on it so you have a break.
Prioritize getting independence for you LO and yourself.
And, your husband isn’t in the wrong. The extra days would be annoying to me, but echoing other comments – it’s not a bachelor party, it’s family time. Yes, you are and LO are his new nuclear family, but that doesn’t invalidate the existence of his extended family.
This is a hard one. I understand your points:
– You’re stuck being the solo caregiver here.
– This is a second memorial. You guys already made the effort to attend the first, with a one year old, no less.
– You couldn’t go for quite obvious reasons, 13 hours in a car is straight up unreasonable, both for medical reasons for you and attention ones for your toddler.
– You can’t really separate from your toddler, so she can’t go without you.
Here’s your husband’s side:
– This trip is to honor my grandparents in a place that mattered to my grandmother.
– I’d like to spend this special time with my family, especially before the arrival of Baby 2.
– It’s not a vacation, it’s a memorial.
I’m going to disagree with 90% of the comments and say the family’s ask was unreasonable here. This is an exceptionally long amount of time to expect a pregnant woman who cannot lift anything heavy to solo parent a toddler for a weeklong memorial to celebrate the life of a grandparent who already had a service. If they so badly wanted him to come, they should have pitched in for his airfare and had him there for 1 to 2 days max. Asking him for more is not reasonable of a parent of someone so young.
That said, I hope you can work on breaking your toddler’s cosleeping and nursing – if she can’t get out of that, it will be SO hard on you when baby comes, Mama. They’ll be waking each other incessantly and both wanting to feed. With Baby 2, I might recommend trying to get the little one in a crib when it’s safe (my daughter made the transition around 6 months or so) and off nursing when it’s healthy. You’ll never get back some very important elements of personal freedom (like the ability to get a break) without it. Wishing you the best of luck with your little one. ❤️
Is anyone available to help you? That sounds really hard, and your feelings are valid. I would feel fomo and upset with the fun parts getting thrown in my face if not one person thought to help me out for the week, that’s a lot! You of all people also deserve a kid-free break.
It’s unfortunate that family members passed, and I understand the desire to commemorate the life with the family.
I would most likely be upset in this situation because I would want a break too. So hopefully your partner can do the same for you. If not, then that really isn’t fair.
I live on the other side of the country from my small family. If I have the opportunity to travel with them I would take it. If money is tight like it is for us, it’s cheaper to extend a trip where family will pitch in with costs than to create a new trip.
I have twin toddlers who I love to death, but gosh do I want a break to feel like a person again sometimes. Hope you can communicate this with your partner in a productive way.
I hope you could do something about your 2 yo still breastfeeding. I’m not against it but I recently stop breastfeed my 20 months old daughter and I couldn’t be more happier with the decision. She is way more independent after and sleep better at night. The way I did was putting some bandaid on my nipples and told her the boobs are hurting and she just never ask for breast milk again ever
>> “original family”
Woof. What a rough take here and way to tell on yourself.
I’ve seen a similar thing like this on 90 day fiancé w Alex & Loren. Loren was in her 3rd trimester w the second baby & he flew overseas to see his parents before it was born (at that point I think their little one was 18 months?) I understand the people in the comments saying he’s spending quality time with his family and all, but if this pregnancy is hard on you and you already have a 2 year old I definitely understand being frustrated that he extended it to a week instead of 2-3 days. You & yalls kids are his family now and although it’s not awful of him to spend time with his parents/sibs, he probably should have read the room a bit better on prioritizing his own family.
It sounds very normal to me. He did not want to stress you out and pressure you to be in intense pain as you stated on the car ride, along with your toddler. This was an important trip for him and his family. Do you really think this was for “fun”? They are literally spreading the ashes a cremated dead body.
It is also normal to feel left out, but I feel the way you are perceiving this situation could be signs of deeper underlying issues in this marriage. Or perhaps it could be the pregnancy hormones.
“original family” and “new family”?? It is all family. You did not “adopt” an abandoned child. You married a grown adult man.