I don’t know what’s wrong with me and why everyone treats me like I’m an idiot with the intelligence of a child. I watch hours and hours of videos on how to convey confidence through speech and body language and nothing helps. People continue to treat me like I’m stupid and I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s really upsetting because I just want to be treated as an equal with people.
People don’t take me seriously at work. I don’t think that people are trying to be malicious, but I am being treated as if I know nothing. A young man with the same job title as me, and a little less experience, is not questioned and asked to explain every last detail and step of his analysis in the way I am. I would understand if I was constantly making mistakes, but I am not. I’m in a data analyst position, I have had multiple coworkers explain how to use an xlookup when requesting data from me, and then proceed to explain what the function does. For background, xlookup is one of the more basic excel functions, and there is no way I could have gotten this position not knowing how to use it. To reiterate, I am the keeper of the data and a data analyst and people explain basic excel functions to me, but this is my job. People slack me while we’re in meetings saying things like “Do you understand what’s going on? Do you need me to explain anything?”, this happens multiple times a week. No one else on my team receives these messages. My mentor has been coaching me on how to combat this but nothing seems to help. One time someone asked me if I needed them to explain a report to me when I was the one who made it. I have automated some tasks for my team and when I presented them to our product GM, he was shocked I knew how to do this….. even though he hired me in as a data analyst? I appreciate my coworkers and our helpful environment, but I am at my wits end. I have politely communicated that I find some of these comments condescending, with the help of my mentor, but it still continues. I deal with this 9-5 PM at work then it continues in my actual life.
Random people in public “explain” things to me. These are two examples that have happened just in the past week. I was approached while I putting creamer into my coffee at a coffee shop and told the correct way to do it. I am a grown woman, I know how to put creamer in my coffee? It just makes me feel like such an idiot that people think I can’t even put creamer in my coffee appropriately. I feel like everything I do is scrutinized and evaluated by strangers. People never just leave me alone, I feel like a child constantly. I try to buy cones from the gas station, the guy behind the counter spends 5 minutes explaining to me the differences between papers. I get held hostage in this conversation and he won’t let me go until I answer the questions about what he just explained to me and makes sure I understand.
I love talking to people and having social interactions because I’m extroverted, but these conversations are not a two-way street, it is me being spoken down to.
I want to solve my own problems and I want people to believe I’m smart and capable, because I know that I am, I just wish people would treat me that way.
How can I get people to believe I’m not useless? How can I get people to trust that I’m capable of doing things alone? How can I change myself so people stop treating me like an idiot? Can someone please help me? I finally reached my breaking point this morning and can’t take it anymore. I can’t stop crying because I don’t know why I look so stupid and helpless.
TLDR: I don’t ask for help and people are constantly trying to help me. I appreciate these people thinking they’re doing something nice but it’s so frustrating because I feel like people think I can’t do things for myself. Then, when I do things for myself, people don’t believe I’m competent enough to have done it correctly or taken all the correct steps.
19 comments
I think your putting too much focus on what others think. It doesn’t matter. FUCK PPL AND THEIR OPINIONS. What matters is what you think and feel. If you feel you are smart, capable, (insert adjective here____) then that’s enough. There’s no need to seek the validity of others as long as you know your self worth. Maybe try adopting the fuck the world attitude for a few days and seeing if it helps any
U need strong self identity ,,how you view yourself
Is it possible that people are trying to impress you? It seems like people want to interact with you and don’t know how. I don’t think someone would take the extra time to explain coffee creamer protocols or the differences between papers to someone they truly viewed as inept and incapable-maybe they want to engage in conversation with you and 2.5 years of being quarantined has put a damper on their social skills game. It’s still not acceptable behavior on their part, but it might not be that people are constantly evaluating and judging you, it may be that people are naturally drawn to you and are offering “suggestions” with the hope you will find them as engaging as they find you.
You’re treated like shit at work because you’re a woman, not because you’re incompetent. Accepting this pathetic truth will go a long way to explain your experiences.
Maybe start looking for a new job, it’s a huge industry. Look for places that other women data scientists like working for.
In the mean time get blunt and mean about these microagressions. “Do you understand this (very simple) process?“ “yes coworker, I have been programming since windows 98, went to CalTech, and have been working in this department for two years. Of course I understand this process. Because I’m not a moron.” Use sarcasm and irony and bluntness to share these feelings you have. What’s the worst that could happen? You’re already disrespected.
You are short with clueless looking facial expression maybe? I heard short women complaining that they get treated like this
post a vid of you talking if you want tips,
I think your coworkers and other people think that you need to follow their standard procedure or workflow.
It didn’t mean that you are not smart or knowledgeable or intelligent enough to work on your job routines.
It seems just the workplace stuff which they are trying to get you through.
Another thing is that you are smart enough than your seniors as you have automated certain processes. As you are smart enough to work on the items.
This causes trouble at workplace because the higher management will feel that your coworkers wasted their cost to the company till now by doing the same work manually.
Next thing is when you are at certain companies and your position is at junior or entry level. No matter how much smart you are, your coworkers will never let your smartness shadow their experience.
Thats why they are trying to trouble you and trying to make you do work like they are doing.
This is all about office politics.
And unfortunately you got similar coincidence scenarios at the gas station at the same time. Hence you are frustrated.
The Solution for this problem is either you listen to them and ignore them and do what you are supposed to do. Or else find a new company that gives you higher position as per your skills and experience.
Do some mediation and listen to peaceful music whenever you feel stressed. It will definitely help you manage your thoughts.
Remember it is always our reactions to the situations that makes our mental peace to get imbalanced. So try to keep your cool and see if above solution works.
DM me if you want to chat, may be i can help you with better if we talk more about your issues.
Thank you.
I was reading this and got halfway down. I was preparing to ask what your gender is, because I suspected that might be it.
And suddenly I see this: “I’m a grown woman”
I think you are experiencing sexism.
Many people who claim to be intelligent on Reddit obviously aren’t and their comments give them away. But because they aren’t, they are unable to see the evidence that is obvious to others.
But in your case your express yourself clearly and genuinely seem intelligent.
I’m sorry….I suspect these guys are looking down on you sheerly because you’re a woman. It’s not fair.
Is this something you experience first time and only in this job or is this something constant in your life?
And are you new there or not? Because if you’re new, maybe those people just want to help you out.
I’m a woman too, and I’m possibly neurodivergent (inattentive ADHD) so this is kind of behavior I struggled with my entire life. No matter how much I try, people never take me seriously just because of my symptoms which make me look like a lost child.
I used to be very upset about this too, I still am sometimes. Until I have heard of a “manipulation technique” somewhere online which is about dumbing yourself down around other people on purpose so they show their true colors.
So actually you can use this to your benefit. Let them underestimate you, they won’t think you’re a threat which can make some things easier for you. Though that’s just a suggestion, because it can be damaging to your mental health long term.
What I do in my life is that I avoid condescending people like a plague, keep my circle really small and just do my thing regardless of how others perceive me.
If it’s the first place you experience something like that and you feel like the intent behind it is malicious tho, it’s better to quit this job.
This is the greatest advantage you could have in like really. I’m in a similar situation and all I do is work on myself and whatever they try to make you see or believe about you. You need to know who you are first and foremost. Good luck out there, and also if it’s taking a lot of people or feels like a lot of people are taking you down, they see your potential that you don’t even see in yourself. Stay up and do what makes you happy in this life.
I started reading your post knowing you are a woman, that’s why you are treated like you are stupid. In my country we have a saying “the cure for a crazy person is a crazy person and a half”, that means that if someone treats you poorly you do the same with them or worse. I take this as my mantra, I’m also judged like I’m stupid all the time for being a woman, I have a fucking master’s degree and people think I know nothing about the world, my response is being as disrespectful with them as they are being with me, usually just a direct “I know what I’m doing, you don’t need to talk to me like I’m a child” with a sour face is all it takes.
You need to draw boundaries, when someone is explaining shit to you for no reason. Use sarcasm, like, thanks Einsitein but I’d like to use a different approach (do NOT go onto explain what that approach is). When asked how. Just be like, im not gonna tell you everything Sherlock. (This is you drawing a line)
> I was approached while I putting creamer into my coffee at a coffee shop and told the correct way to do it. I am a grown woman, I know how to put creamer in my coffee?
Just out of curiosity, how were you doing it? And how did this person try to show you how to do it?
I have some thoughts on your overall post, I just wanted some clarification on this anecdote. It’s hard for me to picture the interaction you’re describing.
Don’t focus your attention on people who treat you too condescendingly.
Do what you think is right and emphasize your knowledge and skills to let them know you’re worth something.
Yes, some people sometimes want to help sincerely, but if you see a clear disregard for your knowledge, then try to put a point in the matter and let them know they are wrong, but please do it wisely, practice, find a workable model of behavior and see that people will begin to look at you differently.
All the problems are in our heads, the main thing in our life is to find a solution to these problems within us.
I believe that you will succeed!
When they start telling you something just begin to laugh at them and ask them if they are being serious.. then say it’s funny because you already do xyz. Don’t be so nice. Speak up for yourself in the moment and don’t feel bad if it gets awkward.
Also are you attractive? I knew you were a woman before i read it in the post lol. Maybe people just want to spend more time with you 🤷♀️
I feel you, I’m a woman in tech and I still need to tell people that they don’t need to explain me things that I already know, it is offensive to assume I don’t know basic things. Last episode someone insisted on explaining a topic I have a PhD about, like, seriously! It never ends and it’s really tiring. I have to say it got way better after moving from Southern to Northern Europe, now it’s episodic, when I was there it was really constant. I advise you to stop trying to be nice and respond back, the fact that this type of sexism is endemic is not an excuse for them to treat you like a child.
I’m a woman in IT as well. It’s sexism, nothing else. Don’t try to explain yourself or apologize. If someone is explaining things to you you already know, tell them “thanks, I know this” and just walk away.
Be blunt. You don’t need to take their feelings into account. That’s nice dear, I have something important to take care of” is how I end calls now or “I didn’t ask for your help”. I know it’s not friendly but it gets the message across.
I’ve had people explain the most basic shit to me and I thought it was my fault. By trying to be nice and not cutting them off, the behavior got worse.
As long as you bosses know you do your job right. I say take advantage of it. Let people do stuff for you. “ oh is that how you do that” “can print these papers for me please, I don’t know how to print” Worst case scenario, they know you are smarter and manipulating them . Which isn’t bad.
Thank you everyone for responding! I read all of them and have a lot to think about 🙂