So my girlfriend and I have been together for 8 years met in college at 19, moved to California together 3000 miles away from family around 5 years ago, we have a condo and a dog together, we have ups and downs, some bad fights, but overall we are best friends and have a lot of love.
Over the past few months I’ve been struggling with my job, paying for the expensive Southern California lifestyle (paying for most things because she was having issues so she switched to part time) which made me really have to step up with the finances.
She has had pretty bad anxiety and panic attacks so she went on Zoloft about 2 months ago, and it’s helped with that but I can’t help but feel like she has significantly changed in ways not so good, even her best friend says she feels like a different person is emotionless and feels like a stranger.
Anyway, she’s been discussing a break for a few months but we always work past it a then we are doing so well talking about marriage and kids, then a week goes by and it’s back to a break.
Friday she finally said (after a really good week) that she is visiting her sister for the weekend and when she gets back we are going to take a break she will get an Airbnb for the month of April.
What do I do, how do we navigate this break, is there anything that we can do to also work on our relationship while also working on ourselves? Should we have no contact? What barriers/boundaries should we put in place… we’ve had no contact for the weekend and I’m kind of in limbo till she gets back tomorrow and we will work out the details…. Any advice?
Tldr: girlfriend of 8 years is moving into Airbnb for a month for a for break/space/work on herself/me work on myself. What do I do, how do we make this break work and not lead to a full split.
7 comments
My advice is to work with her on what this break entails. Before you have that talk, you can decide what you feel would work and things you are or aren’t willing to do (such as see other people)
Give her space. Do not contact her, do not check in on her. It’s out of your control.
You also have control, you can also move on and focus on yourself. A lot of times people say they need space because they are confused as to what they really want for themselves. If you really care about her, respect her boundaries and give her space.
Give her some space.
What puzzles me though is how she intends to pay for that Airbnb, they aren’t free. Make it clear that her wanting space doesn’t equate to you working your ass off to fund it.
Also I assume you have shared bills. I would assume that she won’t be paying those while staying elsewhere.
If someone did this to me it would make the decision for me but I don’t like to play games. By all means go off with your mates for a few days but if you leave you have left.
You’re done. I’m sorry, but neither of you were finished maturing mentally and emotionally when you moved to Granola Land (fruits, nuts,and flakes).
You are both adults now. Men are more inclined to stick with a partner (sexual infidelity aside), and women are more likely to end a relationship due to dissatisfaction. Y’all are at that spot now. I am so sorry for you.
If I can share any piece of wisdom with you (I am over twice your age), it’s that you can’t force your partner to stay in a relationship. If she wants out, your priority needs to be on finding a way out with grace as well as self care.
Big hug, take care.
“and not lead to a full split.”
Given she is avoiding you, and made it clear she intends to continue avoiding you, and likely is going to cause even further financial distress for both you reconciliation seems unlikely. A better question would be what caused her to reach to the conclusion. My usual cynical guess would be infidelity but this seems more mental health and self discovery. EG she no longer wants to a radiologist in California but instead move Broadway and be a singer.
“we will work out the details”
Start with discussing practical issues, like who pays the rent, and see if that leads to other answers, eg Mom is paying for me to start voice lessons in Montreal.
In the bigger picture if your “partner” is not mentally stable enough to support themselves talk of marriage and kids should not be on the table. People that can’t take care of themselves certainly cannot take care of children.
She’s not your girlfriend anymore. You need to re-evaluate where you are in life and she does too. Maybe leaving SoCal for a different location will help. Both of you need to get out of there and move somewhere more affordable.
A break is a 95 % chance of a breakup. I have seen it work in one case, but in general I would assume this is over and act accordingly. Change your passwords for everything in your name, in particular online banking and cash apps. See if you can Get a consultation from a lawyer regarding the condo. It will probably be a mess. Look up what this would mean for your dog.
Respect her wishes for the break whatever those are. Either you are in the 5 % and there is a road back, or you would not want her more upset for the tricky separation of assets.