I cry and occasionally lash out because of my relationship

My [f23] partner [f25] is a wonderful person. She’s very intelligent, quite charismatic, and she’s got plenty of physical affection to give. She’s a catch, and I care for her more deeply than just about anyone in the world. We’ve been together nearly 3 years.

Before she and I became an item, I had a general idea of who my ideal partner was. I’m very emotionally sensitive and prone to hurt feelings if I consider you a loved one (don’t really care what strangers have to say). So I wanted a partner who could match my sensitivity; I grew up labeled as a crybaby, and yeah I sort of am. I’ve accepted that it’s never not going to be a part of me.

I also knew I needed a partner who could match my quirkiness. I have a lot of random fixations on obscure topics, and the topics I become passionate about, I become VERY passionate about. I also very frequently misplace my belongings, am absolutely terrible with spacial awareness, and can occasionally become painfully shy in social situations. The older I get, the more convinced I am I have undiagnosed ADHD or perhaps autism.

Two more things that could be labeled as ‘trivial’ but have still been important to me: I always knew I wanted a partner who was athletic as the gym and the outdoors are two of my favorite spots, and who shared my love for dogs. Dogs are so, so special to me. The most special creatures in the world. I could write an entire book on why dogs deserve the world.

Here’s the thing: everything I just mentioned? It feels like I have to compromise on each of them to have a happy relationship with her.

Her sense of humor is very heavy on “roasting” people. She roasts me, she roasts my friends, family, her friends and family, everyone. 1/3 of the time it’s funny and she makes good quips, the other 2/3 of the time I wish she’d have a totally different sense of humor. It feels like I’ve had to develop thick skin against her just to not have my self esteem go crashing. And I’ve explained this to her countless times, and yet she still does it. The most aggravating part? She gets hurt on the off-chances that I ‘return fire’, so to speak.

She also identifies as a “loud person” and often yells at me because “that’s who she is”. But I’m awful if I do it back because “I don’t usually yell”, even though I’ve explained to her that I hate yelling. I don’t like it when loved ones yell at me. And when they do, I’m going to pent-up with anger.

She’s often dismissive of my fixations. I’ve tried countless times to start up convos on things I really cared about in that moment, and her response is more or less “that’s cool! So anyways, [totally different topic]”. It just makes me kind of sad.

She loathes physical activity and she dislikes 95% of dogs. I’d always dreamed of having a big, mean dog someday like a Rottweiler, and I’ve pretty much laid that dream to rest as she is firmly against having a dog that sheds.

Lastly, I’ve spent most of my life with a complex over being unintelligent. I had the “gifted child” upbringing; I aced those state exams, transferred to a very nice private school for the smart (or rich), and the older I got, the less I tried. And the less I tried, the more I failed to meet the sky-high expectations originally set out for me. And the more I failed, the more insecure I became.

She made me feel so good in the beginning of the relationship over how passionate I am about all these different fixations of mine; there’s one very specific memory I have where she showered me with praise over how I was combing through a textbook for one of my classes for fun, because I thought the topic was just so fascinating. I treasure that memory so, so hard because she hasn’t made me feel that good in the 2.5 years since.

But she has since made me feel a little slow, sort of stupid over all the times I’ve forgotten things she’s said, instructions she’s given me, recently I spent hours cleaning our apartment just so she could be happy when she came home to a clean place, and she instead lectured me because I left the bathroom lights on for an hour. At least she topped off the lecture with a quick, 5-second “thank you” for the clean place. I try really hard to keep up with not forgetting anything she tells me to the point where I have constant paranoia that I will forget something of hers.

There’s many positives in this relationship. She’s fiercely loyal, she’s wicked smart, she’s more extroverted than I which is nice, I need a partner who’s big on physical affection and she’s HUGE on physical affection, and we generally get along.

I’ve broken up with her twice in this relationship because I was unhappy. Both times she convinced me to come back, and I obliged because the upsides of this relationship are really nice, and I truly do care for her.

TL;DR I told myself that relationships are all about compromise, and that the more we matured, the more flexible I’d become in my ideal partner. But it hasn’t gotten easier, it’s actually gotten harder. All the things I mentioned, it’s taking more and more emotional labor to continue managing through them, and I just don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want to breakup with her, but I don’t know where to go from here.