First of all, I’m not here for pity. Or to be harassed. I feel terrible as is, but I need to let someone know

The other night, my gf(22f) and I(22M) were making out at my house. I slowly made my way to kissing her thighs, when she said I should go further for a little bit. I did. We were both raised in very strict Christian households so this was a big deal to the both of us.

While I was down there, she kept breathing heavy and playing with my hair. I would look up constantly to ask if she was okay, and she wouldn’t make a sound, just shake her head yes. I thought she was just being quiet because she liked it, so I continued.

The next day she was really quiet about it, and asked if I could pretend it never happened. Of course, that’s fine, but I could tell something else was off. Something was bothering her. Later, she told me that she feels dirty, ashamed, and like her innocence was gone. She told me that what I thought was her enjoying, was fear and that’s why she couldn’t speak. She says she’s afraid that I’m just going to look at her as an object from now on instead of the playful, fun loving girl I fell for.

Now, I feel awful. I feel like I’m to blame. Like I’m some sex crazed boyfriend who stole her innocence away. And I’m scared that it’s going to affect us in the future. In all seriousness, I love her more than myself, and I would never think of her as a tool for pleasure. But she won’t believe me.

I hate that I made her feel like that, but I can’t do nothing about it. I can’t take it back. I just really hate myself rn. Vent over, thanks for reading…

25 comments

  1. That’s some heavy internalized shame. Women who have sex are no less worthy of love than women who don’t have sex. She is worthy no matter what and it’s something she needs to unpack herself.

  2. I would have a conversation about it with her and to help her begin to love herself and understand that or other people won’t change their view on her. It’s a natural thing that people do and doesn’t change peoples view on her and so forth. Just be there for her and support her. Don’t be so hard on yourself I assure you, you aren’t an evil person and both you had consent. Communication and understanding is key

  3. Look, from the context you provided in this post, you did everything right. Religious programming and the shame around sex is *so* pervasive, especially for women.

    If I were you, I would tell her that you’re going to let her initiate all forms of affection and intimacy from now on, so you can be sure that it’s what she wants and she feels in control. Let her know that you value her heart, mind, body and emotional safety more than anything else and this situation put that into perspective for you. Ask her to allow you to demonstrate your love and respect for her through these boundaries.

    If it gets to the point that you need more from the relationship in terms of sexual intimacy, that’s okay too. Your needs matter just as much. Cross that bridge when you get there, communicate, and see if compromises can be made.

  5. I just want to reiterate what everyone is saying, you DID NOT do anything wrong. This is the cause of such strict religion.

    I also grew up pretty Christian. Not that strict, but no sex was heavily enforced. Opposite sex not allowed in my bedroom. No closed doors blablabla. I didn’t have shame this bad, but I felt horrible after losing my virginity. Time is what helped me the most

  6. Man i think youre good. Just treat her as you would everyday. Be the same person youve been the reason she is with you. You sound like a good guy. Tell her that you love her take her to a movie or a nice dinner and really just enjoy sometime with her. As long as you give her an assurance of safety youll be fine. And maybe chill out in the sexual side of things for a bit.

  7. Three problems that can cause future issues:

    1. Being raised in a strict religious environment can make many a natural thing taboo. You need to talk to her about it and make her realise that intimacy is not a sin and it’s only between you two, so there is no fear of you treating her different. Only more lovingly as this is one step further towards being a better couple 😌

    2. Talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel about her and how this isn’t something that will affect the relationship ever. Tell her how you found her beautiful and made you like her even more. Make her comfortable. And let her know that this won’t ever happen again until she’s ready and willing. Leave the agency with her 🤗

    3. “I love her more than myself”. I know this is a figure of speech we often use when smitten but juuuust in case, I can’t tell you the number of times this has come back to bite me in the 🍑 Love YOURSELF more mate, give yourself the attention and progress and effort. You’ll attract those who love everything you are just as much and have her appreciation too. And if she’s doing the same for herself, affection and compassion between you two is the only thing that needs effort. It’s a balancing act. 🙃

  8. Sounds like you are in it for the long game, and if you mean it, this will shine through. Be patient and trust yourself, man.

    If your actions and your discussions are about a future together and figuring out if you are compatible and belong in each other’s future, she’s going to feel comfortable that you are invested in your relationship and not just in gaining access to her body.

    She’s not going to forget and something like this, you probably won’t either. But from someone whose been in a very similar situation, you both have an opportunity to grow from this and I think you are invested enough to do it.

  9. You didn’t do anything wrong. I felt this way too, I hated myself for years so I know her feelings. Assure her that you don’t view her that way and make sure you also talk about YOUR feelings to her, so there won’t be any conflict in the future due to it being repressed.

  11. The only thing at fault here is how incredibly toxic some religious beliefs are. If there is a god he (or she) wants you to be happy and loved and is far more concerned with the machinery of the universe than what .000002% of the population of one tiny planet are doing with their genitals.

  12. Please check out the book Pure by Linda Kay Klein for both of you. It’s an amazing resource for working through the damage caused by purity culture.

  13. I’m so sorry that all of Christian/virginity garbage took away from what is a healthy, important, connective experience.

    I was raised Catholic and have met more that my fair share of “good Christians”. I’ve also experienced and observed others missing out on enjoying life and all of its gifts because of the “my way or the highway” mentality of the Christian world.

    I hope you two find peace with this and hit that spot of enjoying the wonderful gift of intimacy and sexuality.

  15. This is religious programming in a nutshell. Show her through your actions that you still see her as that wonderful playful woman that you fell in love with.

  17. I was also very religious at age 20 and I wanted to save my virginity till marriage. I lost mine at age 22 tho, a little later than most. When my ex bf went down on me I felt like something “died” inside of me. Esp since I told him my rule was to keep my pants on. I DZidn’t even get that feeling when my other ex took my virginity. I just remember feeling what your gf did. Shame, guilt etc. But I never told him so at least she was being honest to you. So I’m saying I completely understand.

  18. The fact that you guys are both Christian has a big toll on you guys but sex is okay and sometimes that’s hard to accept bc of the way people view it in religion. But you have to make sure she’s comfortable with her own sexuality and that takes time if you’re a girl 😅😅😅

  19. She was fearfully playing with your hair, breathing heavy, and nodding affirmation?

    I think she’s rewriting her experience because she’s been taught to feel shame at what happened.

  25. Sex in normal and healthy and purity culture sucks ass. What you need to remember is you checked on her and ay any time she could have told you to stop. You didn’t do anything wrong. Her religious programing made her feel this way, not you.

    You need to sit down with her and have a face to face talk. Tell her that you never want to make her feel uncomfortable and that she gets to say yes or no to anything without judgement from you. You need to reassure her that she is still innocent in your eyes and nothing will change that. Heck I’m a sexual deviant, not much I haven’t done but my boyfriend still looks at me like I’m a sweet naive girl because that’s how he sees me apart from when we are fucking.

    She gets to decide how her life will be and what she can feel and experience. Why would God allow for such pleasure to be had if just to make you abstain from it? I’m not religious but I do think that with the world being such a shit place we should be able to find happiness where we can. Sex makes relationships healthier, has a proven positive impact on stress and emotional wellbeing and can be a great source of empowerment for men and women. Let her take her time and take the lead. Reassure her and tell her you love her

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