My wife (35), and I (35M) have been together for 15 years in September. She is pretty much my best friend, partner in crime, we do everything together and I think we both really like it that way. But lately something has been really bugging me. Not about my wife, no, more like about society’s sometimes awful fucking terrible unfair judgments of her. My wife is much bigger than most women, I won’t say her weight out of respect but she is big physically. Bigger than me, and I am a fairly big guy. It has never bothered me at all, quite the contrary, I love who she is and always have.
What has been bothering me more and more lately though is sometimes how people react to her. The little things that don’t seem to bug her said about her weight, her work ethic, her personal choices…they make me pretty fucking angry and pretty fucking hurt. I know I shouldn’t be, and I know that she isn’t because in a lot of ways this shit has been happening all of her life but I know, somewhere inside, she is hurt. And deep. She has never said it, maybe I am projecting, but sometimes I feel like I can see it in her eyes. I can tell it cuts.
So it’s like I try my absolute best to tell her she looks good and make sure that when she dresses or looks sharp to tell her. I am really not the most romantic person but when I give a compliment I mean it, but again, I think deep inside she has such a hard time believing it because society has told her literally all her fucking life that she is ugly because she is fat.
I wish I knew what to say. She is everything to me, but I just don’t know how to get her to see what I see in her. Like I said, maybe she isn’t hurt by it, maybe I am just projecting how I would feel if someone said or did something shitty about my weight to me. But I just don’t see how she isn’t hurt sometimes.
I really wish that she could see herself like she truly is and not like what stupid people see her as.
Anyone with a bigger partner ever feel this way? How did you handle your emotions?
6 comments
One more question: what did you say to your partner to really convey that you find them gorgeous when they themselves don’t believe it? It just rings so hollow. How could I go 15 years without knowing what to say in this situation?
When I married my husband I weighed 255 pounds and he was 6ft and 135 pounds soaking wet. He said he found me attractive and I believed him because he married me as well as enjoys being intimate with me.
At the same time, I DID NOT find myself attractive. This was influenced by society’s standards, but it wasnt my husband. No matter what my husband said, because I did not see myself as attractive, I found it hard to believe him emotionally. His actions were consistent but I didnt feel it. Thisbindicated to me that I needed to take responsibility for my internal attitude and work toward positive change in myself. As well, his actions made me believe I was valuable enough to change for myself, not for him.
I now weight 217 pounds. I have found that my husband’s attitude toward my physical appearance has not changed, but my attitude is more positive. I feel beautiful for myself.
I think it is possible deep down, your wife is unhappy with her appearance. Is it influenced by society? Certainly. But if she is internally unhappy with it, you can only stay consistent in your affection and affirmation. She will have to make changes for herself.
I’m totally on the other side of the same spectrum (officially underweight, no breasts or shapes, quite boney). I know it’s not the same, but the key message stays that you’re not within the beauty standards that society has made up and there are reactions to it. And indeed it can hurt and make you feel ugly.
Apart continuing telling her she looks stunning, there’s some (over the top) things my spouse likes to do that will boost my inner confidence (he’s quite the cheesy guy to prepare you).
He will be very excessive/cheesy when he tells me I’m sexy/beautiful/stunning. When I will pick him up somewhere (not to busy) he will litterally stop walking and say things like “is it allowed to look that beautiful here” “ma’am you need a license to look that pretty”. Or we will be walking and talking and he will stop and I will be like “what?” And he’ll say something like “I needed a moment to take in how beautiful you are”. Stuff like that. It’s so cheesy, I always roll my eyes but they key message, that he thinks I’m beautiful, comes through very clearly.
He tells me almost every morning that I look beautiful, when my zombieface is still there. In the house he will sometimes just feel me up a little (in a respectful way) and tell me that he had to/couldn’t stop himself, I just look too hot. Or he’ll be talking and in the middle he will litterally “get distracted” looking at me. And he almost always makes a face when I take something off, also in non sexy settings.
I know, he’s the king of cheesiness, but he does show how much he appreciates my physique like that. It makes me feel special and beautiful to him.
I thought it could be inspiration for your own way of showing it 🙂
I can guarantee that your perception of it hurting her somewhere is spot on. I used to be much bigger, and a lifetime of being told you’re the wrong size and having people make great big presumptions about you (work ethic, etc) DOES affect your self-esteem.
What can you say to make her know you find her gorgeous? I would suggest you just keep telling her. My husband tells me all the time that he finds me attractive. Sometimes I believe him (and kindof question his judgment. LOL). Sometimes I think he’s just trying to make me feel better, even though I’m clearly not attractive. When I can step back from that– I realize THAT is my life-long low self-esteem talking. He DOES find me attractive. I know this, but sometimes the LSE beats out what I know to be true.
It’s a tough, cruel, heartless world out there. It’s wonderful that she has that one person in her corner, on her side–you. Keep up the good work.
And these fat-shaming people don’t deserve any of your brain cells worrying about what they think. Jettison them from your life.
It’s the heart that counts. You have lasted and will probably last longer than most couples marriages?