Breaking up because of a gut feeling

38 comments

1. It comes down to trust. She doesn’t have that in you. And it sounds like you’ve done your level best to make yourself as transparent and trustworthy as possible.

   So then it becomes a question of compatibility. I hate to see you have to fight this hard to clear your name when you’re innocent. I don’t know what more you can do to win her back. I would *not* encourage you to let he go through your phone or search history. You’ve got too much dignity for that. I’d just let her know that you’ve been nothing but fair in the entire time you’ve known her. And if this is something she truly can’t get past, then maybe it’s time for you both to hang em’ up and move on separately.

2. This sounds like an abusive relationship.

   Also, methinks she does protest too much.

3. All that best self stuff sounds great but you can’t control what others think so not much you can do. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t trust you so it’s time to move on.

4. Sounds like she’s the kind of person who would hold it against you if you cheated on her in a dream she had. She can either respect you or accuse you of “future crimes”. She will use any mistake you make as “proof” that her gut feeling was right. That’s not healthy and she should work on that.

5. The last part may definitely be the case, that’s one of the things I’m the most fearful of. Like threading on eggs all the time is not a real option on the long term in a relationship.

6. Listen to your brain bc your gut is literally full of shit

7. Sounds like she is projecting

8. So are you lying? Does she have legit concerns?

9. Hopefully she is not projecting. That will definitely give her a “false positive” gut feeling that you are cheating.

10. How long have you been together for? While you do make good points trust can sometimes just take a while to earn

11. Insecurity is like sinking in a pool of hot tar in the arizona desert..it really destroys good things

12. I know this sounds unorthodox, but here is my suggestion. You need to take your girlfriend on a 3-4 day hiking/backpacking/camping excursion somewhere scenic where you spend most days alone together on the trail with nothing to do but talk to each other. No distractions or opportunities to avoid interacting with each other. Let her do most of the talking (this is easier than you think, just ask her questions about things that are of interest to her) and show genuine interest in what she is saying and respond to her comments with followup questions. Eventually the topic of conversation will get around to what is bugging her about the relationship. Give her your complete focus during this time and provide positive feedback and compliments. Reward her for opening up.

13. She needs therapy, not a boyfriend. Also, I wouldn’t want to continue with someone like this as it could get very toxic.

14. You **should** realize how completely disrespectful this is to you!

    What you say, what you do, who you are is *all invalidated by her magical gut feelings!* Oh, there’s no point in you talking about it, or pointing out her wrong thinking…she’s got *magical hunches!*

    **Relationships are about honesty and integrity. It sounds as if you have both and she has neither.** Do yourself a **huge favor** and text her,

    *”(Name), as your gut is so reliable, it should come as no surprise to you that I’m breaking up with you now. The disrespect you show me by believing stupid hunches and gut feelings over my words/behavior is completely unacceptable. I’m done with you; play stupid games, win stupid prizes! Goodbye.”*

    Then BLOCK her (and her family/friends) everywhere (phone, email, ALL social media). **YOU can do much better than this relationship!**

15. You have to ask yourself if you honestly haven’t done anything and there’s no way shape or form she has anything against you, is this how you want your relationship to be? I know I wouldn’t. If she’s doing this now it’s not going to stop. Humans are creatures of habit. So it’s over or needs to be because it won’t get better. So might as well break up or do what she thinks you are lying about. I doubt she is a detective and your life isn’t a Sherlock Holmes movie. But if she is dead set on you did something then let her be right because in the end that’s what seems to be more important to her than your relationship or trusting you. So give her what she wants for being dumb or playing games because it’s one of the two.

16. Why would you be with someone who can’t communicate or trust and who elevates gut feelings into drama? You’re 21, lad; move on.

17. She’s already made up her mind and there’s no way to change it now. Especially since it’s not even based on facts.

18. Run as far and as fast as possible. Don’t pass go do not collect $200. Run!

19. Dude.

    Just.

    Why are you even tolerating this?

20. Often they accuse you to throw u off the scent that they’re cheating.

21. A relationship that’s 2 months old should not require this level of work or introspection to keep on track. You’re not compatible.

22. Honestly as someone who has beeeeen the girlfriend in this situation, pretty recently I may add, she’s probably the one who needs a therapist.

    Took a lot of introspection to realize I was just looking for problems and that my ‘gut feeling’ was really just me getting in my head about problems from past relationships, and even OTHER people’s relationships.

    If you don’t want to deal with that, and she’s not willing to consider that she may be the problem here, I would cut your losses now.

23. My ex wife was like this. Always trusted her gut over anything because she happened to be right a few times in the past with her parents and some friends. She gave herself permission to break any rules or barriers if she got this “gut feeling”.

    Wouldn’t you know one day told her gut feeling to look through my personal journal, my phone, all my apps, emails etc and wouldn’t you know she didn’t find anything. She continued this for the 2 years of our marriage before I called for a divorce.

    These “my gut tells me this therefore I’m justified in doing ANYTHING I want” people are fucking pyscho and I want no part of them in my life ever again.

    I, therefore, would humbly caution you to consider if this is a good relationship for you to be in.

24. Well hell, I’ve always told people ALWAYS listen to your gut, it’ll never steer ya wrong.

    She very well could be confusing her gut with her over-thinking emotional brain.

    She very well could be on a fishing trip because everyone else has lied to her.

    She could be spot on and you’re lying to her. That’s something for you to figure out.

    Let’s say that your post is spot on. You’re just shy of being a Saint. You can learn to deal with it, convince her you’re not lying, or leave.

    What’s more important to you?

    We all have choices

25. 26 year old with a 21 year old is weird to me. I am 25. Let this relationship go dude.

26. Had a gf say this exact same shit. Lo and behold she was abusive as fuck and was using it as a justification for pre-emptive abuse and cheating.

    If somone thinks a feeling can explain reality chances are they are a bit nuts.
    Gtfo.

27. she’s a little older than you you’re 21 which is a fun age it sounds like she has past relationship trauma causing trust issues she’s having a hard time dealing with. try finding out what areas it is she needs reassurance in and what she needs reassurance of and try providing that and communicate fully ask what it is she’s suspicious of what you’re doing that makes her distrust you and try to address the root of the issues and talk through it and you’ve done everything you can do. from there if she still has issues she should probably try therapy to work through the trauma/issues. Sounds like you are patient and emotionally intelligent enough to communicate well and try to work through the issues but if it leads to just more toxicity don’t trap yourself where you’re deserving of better treatment.

28. I had a solid 10 month relationship going with someone who I never fought with about anything ever. Everything seemed perfect.

    We went on vacation with her family 9 hours away. She drove. They kicked me out two days into it. Her sisters and mother convinced her that I’m not the one while they were watching the bachelorette.

    I was stuck in a position where I couldn’t do anything. No car, nothing.

    I received the explanation that it was because “I wasn’t the one” a week later. I received no explanation while I was scattering at ten pm at night trying to find greyhound busses that could take me home lol.

29. Gut knows things the mind doesn’t good call.

30. “We are our habits” “We are our choices”
    if she lives with you she can’t argue the point if everything you done you’ve done in front of her for long time.

    Ask her about those quotes. The habit one and the choices one. And ask her if “perception is reality?”

    Make her noggin think. Might get her to convinced herself to trust you again. Since you’ve done everything right. Since its nearly impossible to prove a negative you just got to pray my man that she can really see you and the work you’ve put in.

    Or even research how to build trust or just ask her what you can do. But still you proving a negative is nearly impossible.

    I hope this works out for you. Make sure to update us. Give us hope or give us a warning.

31. is being projected on you

32. Maybe since you ARENT doing anything wrong she has the ‘too good to be true’ feeling. Some people have the problem where they always feel like the relationship is going to fail and in thinking that way actually cause the relationship to fail.

33. >apparently her gut feeling has always been right in the past.

    This seems to suggest to me she has a history of being betrayed or misled which can lead to a couple of problems.

    First is that trauma leads to anxiety. Maybe she is scared you’ll *eventually* cheat. Maybe she is scared to let down her guard and has misinterpreted that. Maybe it really is that you’ve done something reminiscent of something an ex did but without the, you know, betrayal.

    The other is that rather than really reflect on what was consistent about her exes or people that hurt her or what about her made her unable to pick up on the betrayals and etc she is going to defer to her anxiety as a ‘sign’ and leave it at that. I suspect she has a life of broken romances ahead of her if every time she gets anxious she assumes it is a sixth sense.

    But ultimately without trust there isn’t much that can be done. It suggests that perhaps she was not really ready for a healthy relationship.

34. >where you are the best version of yourself you’ve ever been, and giving your all to your SO,

    Your ‘best version’ should be the person you are, without having to put effort into being so.

    ‘Giving your all to your SO’ is unsustainable and therefore unreliable. Self-interest; not always agreeing with others; not always putting other’s wants and needs first – all of these are human traits and are required to be functional and healthy in life. These traits are not inherently negative; it’s all in how they are applied.

    A person who gives everything to another is using others to fill up spaces in their life. We as humans all have *something* in those spaces, so if they absorb another person, then they are removing/hiding their authentic self in order to do so. That lack of authenticity doesn’t allow trust to grow. Trust needs a stable foundation built on solid knowledge of the other person. We can’t find that solid knowledge if all we see when we look at our partner is a reflection of ourselves.

    If one puts the partner on a figurative pedestal, then that partner *will* eventually slip, and that leaves that pedestal feeling unstable and it’s anxiety-inducing. When anxiety or uncertainty is sparked by someone else’s behaviour or presentation, then instinct makes us wary and safety requires we keep our distance.

    Our gut instinct is reliable, not because it can give us definite accurate judgement, but because it lets us know when something about the situation/person is out of place/not making sense. When that feeling of ‘something is off’ persists then it is wise to exit.

    Her gut feeling may be right for her because she is seeing familiar patterns which had bad outcomes. It is entirely logical that she would choose to remove herself. If she is wrong in her assessment? Well the world won’t enter another ice-age or cease to exist, you two just won’t have a relationship. It’s not the end of the world; it’s just a change in direction.

    Frustrating? Painful? Yep. But you both need to move on, because no-one owes anyone else a relationship. You can refuse someone for any reason. Eyebrows too pointy? = a valid reason. No real reason? = that’s valid too. Relationships require agreement to engage by all parties. It’s nice to know why someone doesn’t want to be with us, but it doesn’t change the outcome, so we just move on.

35. Ok. I’ve experienced this before. It’s what I call nice guy syndrome. When you care for a woman and give your heart to her, Women feel that you’re looking for something from them. I have no idea what they think we have up our sleeves. Hardcore sexual domination? You tell me? Anyway they feel there’s something malevolent behind our sudden kindness and fealty towards them.

    I’m an older guy and don’t experience this that much anymore because it’s mostly a thing with 20 somethings. If you want to keep the relationship then my primary suggestion is to not be so nice. I know this is difficult because the truth is we men fall in love harder than women.

    The answer is don’t be so nice at least for 15 years of the relationship and don’t apologize when they complain. I know this is very difficult because women constantly give mixed messages.

    Now that you’ve been nice and shown her your softer side she will notice the shift in behavior and start to fall in line but, the complaints and accusations of infidelity will be harsh at first. Do not bend or explain yourself.

    Simply take the lead and endure the shit test. If she wants to leave act like it’s not a big deal but, make her work for it when she wants to come back.

    This totally sucks but it’s female nature. Female nature is difficult at first but, ebbs over time. When you get older like me, female nature pops up again as menopause. That’s a whole different ball game that I’m trying to figure out now.

    Good luck bro. Women are worth loving but, it takes work. No one realizes how hard it is because hooking up is easy on the front end and if you just play the field then you never have to deal with the relationship part when the woman is figuring out who you are and how she fits into the picture in their non logical sense.

    Good luck brother. You’ll need it. I wish I knew what I know now like 25 years ago. I could have saved myself a divorce.

36. This is all about her, not you. She is projecting. She is the dishonest one. There is nothing you can do to prove your honesty, and you should stop trying to prove it. She is a black hole of distrust and nothing you do will be enough. In fact, you should ask her what she is hiding from you, and push her to get into therapy.

37. When we say it’s a gut feeling, we can’t deal with it. Wait for the change in feeling if possible. God bless you

38. Well I have broken up with my current bf of 10 years over the same . Idk the full context but I can share my story n if it helps-

    My on-n-off bf and I got back together an year after a bad breakup. He dated another girl in this time that I had to save him from (a real toxic phycho; not exaggerating!).. And that process kinda bonded us back together.
    Now ofcoz alot changes in an year, especially after a toxic chick. He developed these fake-ego masks that I could see through but he was too adamant to even accept he was acting out of trauma based survival mode. He was bypassing difficult emotions and truths in toxic-positivity…

    Me confronting his masks made me the villian as why would he like uncomfortable truths they are ACTIVELY AVOIDING!?
    Since he was unconscious about his truths and emotions he started dismissing and demeaning me instead of seeing how I was actually trying to help us.
    It got so ugly that we both forgot where it all started and in the tu-tu-mai-mai arguments the Resentments brewed so much that we broke up again.

    Until in Covid time when life forced us to sit with ourselves that he sat to introspect everything… To finally wake up to his suppressed emotions and how they were bleeding everywhere…

    I forgave him before he even apologized… So by the time he was ready to actually resolve everything, my Resentments and ego didn’t interfere which helped us heal with love and understanding.
    We are still recovering from that bitter year, his default approach to a disagreement is still demeaning n dismissing… But he’s open to understanding and growing and improving and healing. Which makes the dealing part so much smoother.

    So, all I can suggest is that sometimes you just have to let go … Your attempts to help/make things better can end up inflicting only more of discomfort on your SO . We all have our baggage, Give them time and space to introspect and grow above their inner noise.

    Just remember to act out of love.
    🙂 Even if it’s just her fears and insecurities… They are her demons to rise above… You stay honest n kind 🫂