I (34F) am not employed because of medical problems, but my 33M husband is really struggling with work (he’s a civil engineer) these days, and I don’t know how to help him. We have been together since we were 17 and 16 and married for 12 years. I try to take care of everything else (food, animal care, and housework – we are childfree) so he can just relax in the evenings, but it seems to be all he can think about, even outside of work time. He punishes himself when things don’t go well, even if it’s not his fault, and he worries so much about how to do better, when he’s already giving it his all. It’s affecting his mood and sleep, and it’s beginning to affect our otherwise excellent relationship because he spends so much time working or thinking about work. He is not the best at listening to advice given to him or snapping out of a bad mood when he gets in one, so I’m out of ideas. I can see that he’s really struggling, so I want to help.
Anyone have any ideas or advice to help him through this?
TL;DR: husband stressed about work 24/7 while wife wonders how to help him
4 comments
[deleted]
Let’s start with …
*Hey, are you happy with work?*
And then talk about it. If he’s being with his employer since college, he’s at that point where he can no longer be just an “employee” but needs to show “manager” qualities, and if that’s not something he’s into, it can really start to make showing up every day a shitshow.
Talk through some options. That could be anything: choosing to not try for the managerial path, finding a different job, finding a different industry, taking a leave, planning more “fun” in his life … or maybe just plain venting every now and then (really, there’s something to be said for coming home and having five to ten minutes with your partner to say “Wow, Gary at work is such a dummy, you won’t believe what he did” and not getting advice, just having your partner say “Yeah, Gary is an idiot”.)
But for now, unless you know where this recent struggle is coming from, you can’t do much.
Remind him that you work to live, not live to work. A well rested mind is always more efficient than a stressed mind. He needs to allocate time for R&R and clear his mind. I would also imagine he’s trying to be the best he can be for both of you to give you both a better life, and that weighs on his efforts. Do you think he would be able to chill a bit more if you somehow made some extra money by finding something you can do from home. Maybe some creative writing. There’s lots of ways to make some money at home these days. Obviously I don’t know your financial situation so maybe that’s not necessary.
I’m pretty sure it just not work that is stressing him out. Are all the bills ok? Does he get a chance to go out with his friends and just unwind?