I (F21) have entered a traumatic event today with my mom (43) and step dad (idk his age but mom is older by a few years)
So a couple of hours ago, I went out to the kitchen to make myself a homemade hot compress for my cramps. I was grabbing rice from the cupboard when my mom told me to stop wearing shorts when I know my step dad is around and told me that he isn’t my father so I shouldnt be comfortable walking around with what I was currently wearing (shorts and a tank top). I started to get uncomfortable so I quickly finished the hot compress I was making and went to my room. A couple of minutes later, my mom entered my room and told me that my step dad was staring at my butt and that she noticed it before too so I need to stop wearing tank tops and shorts when he is around. So I replied to her saying “why am I the problem? Why am I at fault?” And she said “thats why I called him out on it because I also noticed it when we were at the beach he was looking at the girls wearing two pieces. I know you can feel it sometimes” my mom also said she told his mom. I replied “I dont. Because I shouldn’t feel uncomfortable or that way around him” I didn’t want to argue because if I did I would cry so I just said id stop wearing it. The thing is I’ve always felt it. I always had a gut feeling. I was never comfortable around him at all so that feeling was confirmed today and I have never felt more traumatized in my life and I just want to bawl my eyes out. We all live in the same tiny apartment so I don’t know how I will be able to avoid him or how I will go on about this. I have nowhere else to go. I have no one to talk to about this except for one friend who isnt online rn. Please someone give me a solution before this becomes worst
TL;DR – my mom told me to stop wearing shorts and tank tops around my step dad because he was looking at my butt
Edit: Hey all. Thanks for the comments. Just to address everyone saying my mom should leave/shouldve left — I know it sounds like an excuse but it isnt but my mom can’t leave because she doesn’t have the money. If she leaves, we wouldn’t have a house to live in. We dont have any near family members (theyre all like in California and we are in the east coast or they’re all back in our home country). She wouldn’t be able to pay for an apartment because she doesn’t earn enough and she cant work for a week straight even if she wanted to because no one is going to take care of my 4 year old sister. I’ve asked her before to leave him before because he isnt just the best husband (financial problems, not responsible with house chores, not taking care of his daughter, etc) and this is her reason
Edit: (UPDATE) Hey all, I just talked to my mom about how I plan to move out and she got mad at me saying I cant afford it and that I wouldn’t be able to save money because I’ll be working my whole life to just pay off bills. I offered that she leaves and we can just pay 50/50 for the bills and she said she can’t because she cant afford it and that her application for her citizenship will be harder to obtain and everything she worked for to get to the U.S will be gone. She said she cant afford the health insurance and everything if she divorced him and she didn’t have money for divorce anyway. So I insisted I can just leave myself for now and she got mad at me saying her husband isnt really like that and that something is just wrong in his brain and so I told her I dont want to wait for something to happen or for it to escalate and she said “nothing will happen he wont do anything” and that went on back and forth. She doesn’t want me to also tell it to my dad and his family. And now she’s threatening me that we go back home to the Philippines because “she cant do it anymore” and that she’s tired of tending to all of us and thinking about us. She called her husband and put me on the phone with him to tell him myself the problem and now she’s blaming me that we are gonna go back home to our home country and that her dreams were crushed. Also when I told her i was uncomfortable and didn’t wanna see her husband she told me i was overreacting just because of this one incident and that she wished she didn’t just say anything earlier so this/my reaction now didn’t happen. Edit: She said the only solution right now is for me to cover up when I go out of my room
41 comments
Your mom needs to leave him.
Alright first Your mother should expect you both to treat one another like daughter and father because she married him. That is what you are, step or not and I’m sure that’s how you felt. He has obviously always looked at other women so everyone knows it’s on him and not you. Your mother is an idiot who is choosing to make it less likely to occur. She can not force you to wear more conservative clothes( however I would if you feel uncomfortable now. just for your ease of mind or to help prevent any unwanted actions or glances to occur.) She is a C. So I’d honestly see if you did have other family or friends/ their parents who would let you crash for a bit. Even if it’s a weekend here and there or if they hear your situation they might let you stay for a little. People can be nice enough.
That sounds so awful and it’s disgusting of your mother to not leave him when even she notices. If it were me I would find a way to move out, but if that isn’t possible for you then I would get pepper spray and keep that with me at all times. Maybe get a self defense type of weapon also. If you don’t have a lock on your door I would get one and probably one of those locks that make it impossible to break down your door and also use it if you don’t have your own private bathroom. You shouldn’t have to stop dressing the way you want in your own home, but sometimes you need to put your safety first especially if you’re actually living with the problem.
the main question here is: why is your mother with a pervert?
she is effectively victim-blaming you instead of kicking him to the curb
You’re mom should kick him to the curb. But you probably should’ve spoke up when she asked if you have felt him staring at you.
now if only my ex catches their husband doing so yet denied me the right to co parent with them…
Ew. Look, either you should think of him as a dad and it’s his fault for being a perv and looking at you like that, or else you shouldn’t think of him like a dad and he still is to blame for being a perv! How long has she been with this perv? Has your mother always taken this “blame the victim” approach in general, or specifically where you or him are involved?
Can you not move out?
Rather than feel traumatized by this and allow your mother and stepfather to make you feel shamed, I suggest you find your voice and express your disgust and anger with both of them.
Your mom doesn’t like it when her husband looks at your body, and she thinks the solution is to tell you to dress differently? No. That is not the solution.
*The solution is to call out both of them, and drop that shame right back in their laps where it belongs.*
I suggest you bring it up calmly when both of them are present.
“John, mom tells me it makes her uncomfortable when you stare at me. She doesn’t like it when you ogle random women on the street or beach, either. So how about you stop being a disgusting dirty old creep?”
“Mom, when John is being a dirty creep, tell him directly to cut it out. Don’t expect me or the rest of the world to adjust ourselves to accommodate your discomfort with the fact your husband is a creep.”
“Mom, John, why don’t you discuss this and figure out how the two of you will deal with it from now on?”
And you go out and **tell everyone** about it. *Everyone.*
“Can you believe that Stepdad John ogles and leers at me, and Mom tells me to wear a gunnysack so she doesn’t have to watch him being a creepy pervert?”
“Mom told me it was my fault her husband is a dirty old creep, can you believe her nerve?”
Do not protect John, or your mother, with your silence and shame.
**Tell.** Tell everyone. Siblings, grandparents, stepsiblings, friends, teachers, everyone.
It’s a shitty situation and know you were properly dressed for inside ( and outside ) your home. If your mom is unhappy and wants to leave you two can make a plan even if it takes a year. Maybe the plan is seeing if she can find some educational opportunities, a better job, daycare. Your sister will start kindergarten in a year and after care is way less expensive than full time daycare.
I wonder if he has a past history that the police know about… Maybe Mum knows, but stuck with him anyway
You need to get a job and leave.
I just read your edit. I’m so sorry you are in this situation. It’s very common for women to not be able to leave an abusive situation (which this is) because of finances. Now that she admits it, I would be very loud about his behavior. If he’s staring, say it. If he’s being inappropriate, say it. It’s going to be uncomfortable but you need to know there are more eyes on you to create at least some safety. Leaving it in the dark makes you more vulnerable. And keep it up till she is able and willing to leave. Hang in there.
you and your Mom can share the rent on a new place for ALL your sakes.
So your mum is blaming you for HER lousy choice of husband?
Not good 🙁
I couldn’t leave my ex husband, financially it was a disaster. I almost lost everything but I didn’t. I worked hard as hell to keep it all and not destroy my life in the process. If she wants to leave she will, it’ll be hard and it’ll suck but she can do it. People are capable of so much but women in general are more resourceful than given credit for.
She needs to leave and with your strength/help she can.
None of these reasons are a good enough reason to stay.
Single moms who bring another man into the house with two young daughters is ripe for sexual abuse to happen.
THAT’S why the guy is there. Not for your mom. For the easy pickings.
You leave, you don’t make any excuse for your mom. She is supposed to be PROTECTING you, not the other way around. She owes YOU safety and security, and you aren’t getting that with her shitty relationship choices.
Leave with your mom and sister. If she won’t, leave with your sister. If she can’t come with you, leave yourself. There are PLENTY of resources set up for situations like this.
Do a few Google searches, make a couple of calls. Do NOT let yourself become a victim yourself if you have the power to stop it.
If your mom isn’t stable or reliable, you may have to sever ties with her too if she isn’t protecting and providing for you and your sister. That’s rough, but the truth.
How much is her terrible relationship choices led to this, ultimately? So, yeah. You have two choices. One is INCREDIBLY hard, the other is fraught with consequences that are MUCH worse than the initial shock of taking care of yourself.
Im 32. My daughter is 17. Me and bf have had fights so much about Porn. Him looking at girls ect. I have never ever caught him staring at my daughter. She walks around in whatever she wants. Often times a bra and shorts. She grabs a drink in a towel after showering. We all dress minimally around the house. If I ever caught him staring at her there would hell to pay. She can wear whatever she wants (within reason obviously) thats absolutely not dependant on him at all. Your mom is being a terrible mother. Her bf is a creep. Its SHORTS AND A TANK TOP. He cant even handle not staring at his own step daughter in shorts? Your mom instead of dealing with the fact that her husband is creeping on her own daughter is trying to make you cover yourself and be uncomfortable?? Whats next ?? No makeup? No swim suits? No skirts? No leggings? No crop tops???? He cant control his eyes so he cant go to the beach or store or work i guess.
This is an awful situation. For the moment, cover up when you’re outside of your room. He’ll probably still stare at you, because he sounds like a pervert. Please get a lock for your room if you haven’t got one already. At least in your room you should have the freedom to dress how you like. I would advise you to spend as least amount of time at home, maybe you can stay with friends some days, …
You are 21. You do not need permission to move out and cannot be forced to leave the country. Your mother needs to live her own life and decide if she wants a divorce, move away, stay put. etc. You can make your own plans to move out.
In the mean time cover yourself when he’s around. He is a stranger to you and not “family”. Keep your distance and if he does anything creepy tell him to stop (loud and clear). Your mother knows of his behavior but is at a loss about what to do since she is dependent on him for financial support.
I don’t understand why, as an adult, you need your mother’s permission to move out?
Regardless, call out his creepy behavior. Be loud about it. For two reasons: one, it’ll teach everyone how often it happens. Two, and most importantly, your sister will emulate and be able to do the same thing when she grows up and he starts ogling her.
Your mother is incorrect. It is not because “he’s not your father” that you can’t wear shorts around him. It’s because he is a creepy pervert that doesn’t even hide when he is checking out young girls IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE AT THE BEACH, or when he CHECKS OUT HIS OWN STEPDAUGHTER RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE. I would say that if he is doing it to the extent that he is making your mother uncomfortable, I might even say he is crossing the line from pervert to predator.
You are twenty one years old. You do not need this woman’s permission to move out because you are an adult. Just get your shit together and go.
I’m not even going to speak on your “mother”.
Main thing now for you is to save up and leave. Finish your studies, get a good job, then when you have enough u can actually help your family out. Keep on the down low until you can actually get out.
Um. This is predatory behavior and there’s a 4 year old in the household. There are non profits and agencies that can assist with affordable housing to get the three of you (you, mom, and sis) to a safe place regardless of citizenship status. Are you guys members of a church?
Hey OP, reading your edits, I think I understand your situation a bit more as a fellow SEA person. It’s very common for a SEA woman who came from extreme poverty and abusive situation to marry a man from the west just to escape the country. Your mom made the choice, probably not out of love, but just to escape her old life. From the sound of it, your stepdad is unfortunately one of those awful guys who married a woman from a poor SEA country so he can get an obedient bangmaid who can’t leave him. (There is a documentary about this type of situation. I remember some woman even got murdered by her husband because obviously a man like this isn’t a good man) Your mother chose to stay, and that’s her choice. However, you’re different. You’re a young woman who’s forced to live with a pervert and possibly a predator. You don’t have to follow your mom’s choice and stay in that apartment.
Do you like your home country? If you do, don’t hesitate to contact your dad and move back with him. I understand your mom’s choice of not wanting to go back there. I’m sure it was awful for her. But you don’t have to stay with her. You have your own choice to go back if you have a loving family and feel content with the life there.
If you want to stay in this country, you can leave the apartment. Your mom probably won’t leave with you but it’s still ok for you to leave. Can you go stay with your relatives in California? Is there any resource in your area that could help woman in a situation such as yourself? Check out r/abusiverelationships, I remember they can help with providing lists of resource you can get if you’re in the US.
I know moving out is hard. It might take years to get back on your feet. But you won’t have to live in fear and trust me, get out of a situation that ruin your mental health will do your life a wonder. I’ve been there. You’re 21 now. You can get a job and save up and live on your own. Get the resource you can get. Ask for any help you can from family and relatives. You’re not alone.
I probably won’t be able to help much but if you need someone to talk to, feel free to DM me. I wish you all the best. Good luck.
I’m so sorry. Your mom isn’t willing to help herself and is blaming you. You need to do what’s best for YOU. So move out asap. If your mom goes back to the Philippines, that’s on her. You can’t let her blackmail you into staying somewhere you aren’t safe. For now, get a chain lock for your room so he can’t get in when you’re in there, esp when you’re sleeping.
Gezz kid I’m sorry. Please know it’s not your fault he’s looking at you. You have every right to be safe and comfortable in your own home but I understand where your moms coming from. It’s very hard to leave a situation like this. I’m in NO WAY trying to shame you but for now be aware of where he is in the tiny apt at all times and try to get you and your mom outta there ASAP. Good luck!
Saw your edit- my mom did the same to me when I was 13. He raped me until I moved out at 18. You are not safe.
Hey, I’m about 2x your age, but I can relate. Here’s what happened:
My bedroom at my parents’ house was next to a bathroom, so I would shower in there, wrap myself in a towel, and walk the *one foot* to my bedroom to get dressed.
So one day when I’m late teens or early 20s (I lived at home a long time), my mom barged into my bedroom after me and exploded at me for walking around the house with just a towel on because my dad was home. He’d SEE and it was INAPPROPRIATE, you see. She made me feel so disgusting (and angry!) like it was abnormal of me to do something like take 2 steps in the hallway to get to my bedroom. I told her she was being crazy and just kept doing it, but I felt kind of traumatized by the situation.
I later realized that my mom was playing out her own past trauma or maybe even jealousy, because my dad was a good man and would honestly have just averted his eyes or not even thought anything of it if he’d run into me in my towel. But to my mother 100% I was being irresponsible, and my then-gangly bod was going to put some sort of disgusting incest spell on my own father.
Side note, mommie dearest should’ve been keeping an eye on her son from a previous marriage, not on my delightful father, womp womp.
I absolutely support you in staying away from your stepdad, but keep in mind your mom could be projecting a bit, too.
Just pull Student loans and go to school, live in the dorms. Get a degree that will pay well when you graduate and start life on your own. Your step dad likes younger women, that’s a shame, leave it with your mom and bounce. My suggestion is that you should be wise with your financial future, and out of state tuition is typically 3x the cost of in state, I’m sure there are good schools where you live. You’re 21, you don’t have to tell them where you’re going to school if you’re paying for it. They don’t have to know that the school is 10 min down the road or a short road trip away. The military is another good option, it was a solid decision for me and it paid for my school. I suggest the air force…. or friggin space force.
It’s your life now, your parents don’t have anything to do with it at this point, you’re an adult.
Dude, I was a 21 year old daughter of a woman that made money excuses about staying with an ahole and how she needed him to pursue her dreams (which wasn’t me and my brother).
Hear me on this. No matter how much you love your mother she is abusive and complicit. Sacrificing your own children on the alter of your own ego is gross and cowardly and selfish and not commendable under any circumstance. You her child are not responsible for making excuses for her.
Believe me, I know how infuriating and upsetting and misunderstood you may feel hearing that but I promise you the sooner you recognize you are not to your mother what you should be, that your safety has to be up to you, and she is not in this with you the faster you can figure out how to get away from the situation and start healing.
I am 15 years older than you, believe me I get it, I made all the excuses in the world for my mom up until her early death still chasing that nightmare. It’s extremely difficult to acknowledge your mother was not there for you in critical ways you needed her there.
It sucks. I really hope you get that scholarship and your own life started away from all this. She was wrong what she said, she’s wrong to put her responsibilities on you, she’s wrong to pretend like there’s nothing she can do while not even bothering to examine all her options, it’s just a mess you didn’t make and you’re going to need some therapy but you can do so much with your life.
I sincerely wish I had internalized that at your age much better and truly gotten my ass in gear to only look out for myself and let my family do as they will to get away from the abuse. I lost an insane amount of earning potential being constantly manipulated from my home and accepted a ton of terrible behavior from all sorts of people.
I truly hope you do the research, look for inspiration and find your out. You are not your mother or her problems and you deserve safety and to thrive and to have people in your life that are kind and supportive of you. Abuse is not ok, there are no excuses and it’s a lie there’s nothing she can do, she hasn’t even looked bc I know there are things she can do.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation 😭
First I’m really sorry you are in this situation. Your instincts are right, you are an adult and should leave. I don’t really get your moms response of trying to keep you there unless you’re helping to pay her rent right now and by leaving out her at risk of being homeless. If you decide you have to stay I would find the ugliest, boxiest mumu dress at a charity shop and wear that and only that around the house like a housecoat. Spend as little time at home as possible leaving early in the mornings and coming home late into the evenings. Find a library to hang out at or take another job to accelerate your path to financial freedom. Make sure the room you sleep in has a lock and when you are home lock yourself in.
I am so sorry you are going through this. The good thing is that you’re an adult and you have options. You don’t need your mothers permission or blessing to leave, trust your intuition and follow your gut. Also, please NEVER allow this man to be alone with your little sister. He is not to be trusted, and coming from someone who has dealt with sexual assault in the home, your mother can’t be trusted either, as it seems like she’s willing to push things under the rug and defend him. Sending love and light to you and your family. I hope for the best possible outcome for you 🙏 ❤️
Oh no don’t make me return to a tropical paradise mom…can she send ME back to the Philippines?
I’m sorry. That was tasteless. She has chosen to protect him over you. Don’t follow her example and protect yourself. Move out and don’t tell her.
Get some pamphlets with contact phone numbers advertising the local police number, child protection services, and sa organisations. Leave them in your room and displayed in prominent places .
It will show a strong message for you
You need to silently plan your exit. Don’t tell her you’re moving out. Save up money and get out. Get important documents from her and keep them save.
Your mum is a real fool. How irresponsible of her
You are 21. You are an adult. You don’t need your mom to approve any plan you can make for yourself. Why the heck would you want to be tiptoeing around this creep in your own home?
Your mom is an awful excuse for a parent. Blaming you for attracting your step father’s attention with shorts and a tank top?! She should be looking to protect you not blame you.
Leave her to her failing marriage and get on with your own life.
Your mom maybe dating a creep but for what it is worth, you’re 21 years old. Move out. I don’t know if you’re dealing with a codependency issue but I know family members who have dealt with that and honestly, if they don’t want your help, they don’t want your help. Anything you say will hard in their hearts to you.