I’m 25 and I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve always struggled with confidence, and have always been very introverted, which is why I’ve ended up keeping to myself a lot.
Over this past year I’ve moved to a new place, started a new job, met lots of new people and started coming out of my shell a bit.
There’s this girl I met a few months back. She’s the same age as me, single, and just a joy to be around. She’s so funny and outgoing, and she puts me at my ease in a way few others can. I started to get feelings for her, and I think there have been some signs that she might like me back.
I worry about my lack of experience though. The vast majority of people will have had multiple long term relationships by this point in life and will know what they’re doing. So I worry that if I ask her and she says yes (a big if, but if not then whenever I do eventually find myself in a position to start a relationship) I will make a fool of myself, and not be able to make it into a lasting relationship.
So I was wondering if anyone here has any advice. Thanks for reading 🙂
Tl;dr I’m 25 and have never had a relationship. I would appreciate any advice you might have
6 comments
I think people like you (20’s with little or no dating experience) get too hung up about this part. If she’s into you, then she’s into you, you know?
Hey, I don’t think you’d make a fool of yourself – you just need to be honest with her.
And I know plenty of people who hadn’t had a relationship at your age. If she’s a decent person, she won’t care. You get into relationships at a time that’s right for you.
Keep working on your confidence and have fun! You’ve got this 🙂
>The vast majority of people will have had multiple long term relationships by this point in life
True.
>and will know what they’re doing.
Uh… not so true. A brief look at this sub will tell you that there’s any number of people who have heaps of experience and have many problems regardless.
As regards worrying about ‘making a fool of yourself’ – everyone has a first relationship, everyone makes mistakes, so you can’t really opt out of that – you just have to roll with the punches because that’s how you learn. The longer you leave it, the bigger the risk gets, so better to get it out of the way now.
I know several people who started dating in their 20s and every single one of them ended up in a positive long-term relationship with the first person they seriously dated. I know one person who started dating in his 40s and is now a happily married father. I also know many people who started dating in their teens and have no luck whatsoever with relationships.
I just started dating last year, and I’m several years older than you. Had all the same worries, but now I’m in a happy relationship with a girl who has way more experience than me. So it is possible. I made many mistakes and made a fool of myself more than once in the process, and so did my girlfriend, and now we just laugh about it. 🙂
Tell her you have feelings. If she doesn’t feel the same, move on to someone else. Rejection is part of dating and it hurts, but believe me, it hurts less than not trying and letting life pass you by.
think of it as a blessing that you haven’t had a chance for relationships to give you trust issues, insecurities, and unhealthy patterns
I was never in a relationship until after age 30, so I understand what this is like better than many do. My reasons for not being in a relationship in my 20s were similar to yours (plus just plain not being very good looking—I don’t know whether that applies to you too).
I think you could ask this woman out, and that would be an OK decision. If you go out with her, you’ll get experience with dating and maybe get into a relationship. If she turns you down, you’ll have gotten experience asking someone out and dealing with rejection.
But I’ll say, based on my experience and having issues similar to yours, you can be led astray by the feeling of being at ease with someone when you normally don’t feel at ease with people. That feeling doesn’t necessarily mean you and this person have the beginnings of a romantic connection. It could just mean that she’s an outgoing person and is good at putting others at their ease.
Personally, I never had a positive experience trying to date until I got enough life experience and matured enough that I was able to focus on “how can I be a positive presence in another person’s life/make THEM feel comfortable/at ease?” rather than thinking primarily about how the other person made me feel. That was when I got into a relationship.
(It’s easier said than done, obviously, which is why it took me until after age 30…)
I’d ask her out sooner rather than later. You might be waiting until you’ve “done enough” for her to be interested. Those are rookie thoughts. If she’s spent time with you she knows if she’s interested or not. You knowing too would be good for you. Even if the answer is no.
Importantly, if she says no, that’s the end of the story romance wise. Don’t hope she’ll change her mind. Don’t envision scenarios under which she might. Accept it and enjoy her friendship, which you still have access to. IF you gracefully accept (honestly accept) that she isn’t and isn’t going to be interested.
Obviously her saying yes is the much for fun scenario. (Also the scenario that needs less advice, so sorry if this comment is weighted heavily the other way.) But either way it goes your knowing the answer is good.