Been (32F) seeing this guy (41M) for a month now. We met through a friend. I wasn’t even looking.
Things have been going well.
What has never really made sense to me is his current living situation and job situation.
He lives in an extremely affluent area where rent is like over $1000 per week for a 1 bedroom apartment.
Whenever I ask him what he does for work, it is always something really long-winded. Basically, he works as an IT freelancer and helps start ups or something?
So I did some digging and uncovered the following:
1. No Linkedin profile.
2. His Upwork profile only has a few ‘past jobs’ listed.
3. Prior Apprehended Violence Order/Restraining Order (a man – who looks like an ex-colleague – took it out against him in 2018).
4. The startup that he supposedly founded in Scotland (and ALWAYS TALKS UP) has been dissolved. The company was in serious financial debt and the total assets for the company were only like, $900 or something? I actually sent the company’s financial statements to my friend who is an accountant and she suspects either serious financial mis-management or foul play. The records are that bad. A lot of investors were PISSED and there are even dailymail articles about it.
I am too embarrassed to actually bring up the above and have the feeling it is best to extricate myself. However, things have moved fast and I am afraid he will be suspicious as it will come out of nowhere.
How to safely extricate myself?
36 comments
Just break up with him. If he asks why, just say you’re not compatible or you’re not feeling a spark or some other vague cliche. Then block and move on. Who cares if he’s suspicious. Unless you have a more specific concern, you just end it.
I agree, trust your instincts and pull out now. It’s been a month so you don’t need to explain the real reason, just say you’re not feeling ready for anything.
I understand your concern over #3 and #4, but why does it matter that he’s not on LinkedIn?
Being vague about work is weird. He might check a lot of boxes for you right now but the further you get into him the harder these conversations will become. Trust is the number 1 box to check.
He’s probably a good liar, too. So even if you bring it up you could quickly be convinced and push away those gut instincts.
Please run. You don‘t need to explain yourself. But you have to protect yourself from partners who threw people under the bus. In business he can get jail time for that
Block everywhere and do not feel bad.
What are you waiting for? Plenty to avoid here.
Well not having a linkedin is fine, as is working in IT to a company that dissolved, many start ups do.
If you dont like him end it, if you do then ask him.
Drug dealer?
This is some “Dirty John” shit.
That rent sounds totally normal to me, I live in a city. I don’t really see any flags aside from the retraining order thing but if you want to break up, just break up. One month isn’t a long time at all.
#3 is the only issue here IMO but should be a straight up dealbreaker.
Don’t over think it, it’s only been a month. Sorry it’s not working should be enough.
I’d say we met the same dude but I’m in the USA
Turns out he was a coke addict and was selling drugs to pay for the lifestyle.
His boat he’d take me out on for dates…not his.
The startup he founded ….he didn’t, was a partner, bankrupt.
his consulting business…shell Corp with no clients.
His private plane in a hanger in another state. ..not his
I could go on. I may write a book one day his lies were so clever.
Look up grandiose narcissism. I bet it’s a bingo.
Did you talk to your friend though which you met him? He might know more about the situation.
Only #3 is an actual red flag. But how did you get this information is this just public in the UK?
Lots of “start ups” are dudes that pocket all the money. Not surprised he lives in an affluent area.
I disagree with the comments here. The restraining order is the red flag, but what is the context? A lot of developers are very humble or quiet. A lot of startups fail even though they had good developers. Him being a developer has nothing to do with assets or a bad management team. Good developers arent on upwork and many dont care about linkedin. One of the most prized UI guys we worked with communicates only though Twitter DMs and we paid him $100k for his time. Many startups have no or few assets for a long time.
Short story: ask him ffs and stop being so passive. The real red flag is you snooping through everything and not even taking to him about it.
I wouldn’t call them red flags, but if you want a ready made well off person who will also tick all the boxes in all other areas that are important to you, chances are you’ll stay single forever lol. Maybe he is shady, maybe he isn’t, but the fact that you can’t openly ask him about these things means your relationship/ dating isn’t going well so just tell him he’s not the person for you and put yourself and him out of misery.
He’s going to destroy your credit, run
Maybe he’s undercover or something like that. I mean even the CIA does messed up stuff from time to time. Or he could have just up and ran with investors funds. You would think he would live a more modest lifestyle if had done that, no shelling out 4k+ a month just on rent. Maybe he’s a hacker, hacking can be very very profitable (both the good and bad type). I mean your intuition is usually right, especially as a woman.
[removed]
Sounds like he made some money off of a startup that was a shitshow and he’s taking time off.
OR he is a fraudster and took some money from his investors.
But you don’t really have enough information to say one way or another so you should just have a conversation with him and see what happens. If you’re not happy with his answers and tell him that you’re not going to see him anymore because you think he’s a liar. At one month in you owe him a conversation at least. **Just because somebody is suspected of being unethical is not a good reason for you to be unethical.**
Friend of mine dated a guy like this and he ended up stealing the identities, IDs, and passports of the people she introduced him to. Stole over $50k in 9 months.
Get out. Tell him you’re sorry but things just aren’t working out, you wish him the best. Then block. If you have cameras outside, make sure they back up to the cloud. If you don’t have cameras, get a Ring at the least.
you’re not exaggerating. Nothing about this dude seems right from what you’ve described.
Gtfo.
1&2 aren’t deal breakers but the others – oh wow! I would tell him it’s not working out & leave it at that, leave an evidence trail for other poor individuals to uncover in the future too
Tell him something nice, tell him it’s over, tell him goodbye. Don’t try explaining, just say it’s not going to work out for you. Explanations just provide openings for further discussion and that’s not what you want. If he presses you, repeat the “goodbye” part, and if he presses you more, block him. That’s it.
Don’t worry about liking the guy. Likeable is easy to replace. And it doesn’t mean a whole lot in the end. I personally can think of several people I know who are perfectly likeable and yet I wouldn’t trust them with 2 nickels for a dime.
In terms of worrying about him coming after you… that is a valid concern, but don’t let it rule you. Take some sensible precautions — make a list based on the excellent ideas in the other comments — but let it actually happen before you assume it will happen. Otherwise you will be paralyzed with “what if” thoughts.
ngl, this kind of is a situation where Casper is your friend lol… I know people want to go “oh you should never ghost” or whatever, but eh-he is lying and has a history of violence and you’re a single woman. People who are saying “oh ask” are probably guys that have no clue on what it is like to date as a woman and frankly no fucking wonder they’re single. Hopefully he doesn’t know where you live/work/etc and you can quietly bow out. Make some excuses about ‘stuff being busy with work’ and not being able to meet for a while, then block and move on.
On a similar note, my now-wife actually did a background check on me (who worked in a relatively obscure field) too, so good on your for doing your homework.
Other than the restraining order (which are you sure it’s not just someone with the same name?), how are the other things so bad? I also keep a low profile online for privacy and do a lot of different things with other startups. I have legal entities that I’ve closed for various reasons but still use some trade names. My income is also unusually high for the hours I work.
Personally I’d find it to be a huge red flag if a girl I was dating was trying to stalk my online presence so much and dig into details of my businesses without just asking me directly.
Trust your intuition and gut. I would say leaving the relationship is a good idea. Let him know right now you don’t want to be dating or keep it vague enough. I know you must be disappointed. Definitely not the best thing to find out.
Run, 3 and 4 are good enough reasons not to even try to do any form of face to face break up, i would have a word with the mutual friend and ask not to play match maker again.
Best is to tell him you aren’t ready for the relationship, which is true in this case. You got an instinct hit and seem worried about it. I’d break it off kindly but completely. Best to keep moving on
Nope that smells fishy. Listen to your gut and just get out. Don’t have to come up with a lot to break up. Just hey, Im sorry, I dont feel anything hope you have a great life
tell him, I checked you out… a bit of financial and criminal background… you live somewhere that I know costs quite a bit of money but the company you work for has been dissolved… a restraining order was taken out against you… I can’t deal with this kind of shit, you’re a huge red flag and other women can do the same thing I did so… either go find a woman that will trust you blindly or get your shit together. You can tell him, I really like you but I don’t trust your honesty.
While I agree you should probably go with your instincts, I have a couple of thoughts:
Addressing 1. And 2.- Not everyone has a LinkedIn or Upwork, not everyone has need of one. The lack of one isn’t necessarily a red flag.
Regarding 3., while it’s worrisome, you may wish to get the actual story behind it. It could have been something minor that a coworker escalated in order for an ulterior motive to be gained (only reason I thought of this was something similar happened recently to a friend of mine, and it was false).
As for 4., no clue. Maybe he went in on a startup and it went bad? That happens.
Anyway, my point is just that you may want to find out what actually is going / went on before pronouncing him filled with more red flags than a Communist Party gathering, that’s all.
Things have moved fast for a reason. I wonder if his investors also thought things “were moving fast” as they were handing over money for a vague promise?
Whatever reason you give him. Be firm and clear that it is over and you are done and gone. No contact, just block and delete.
*The only caveat, that if he has personal pictures etc of you, the only communication that you’ll accept is proof that these have been fully destroyed.*
He may be a scam artist, stealing 401ks or mortgages, or whatever other livelihood assets parasites could get ahold of. Don’t put yourself in a bad situation but maybe see if you can get additional information while heading out the door.