Dating someone with ADHD

35 comments

1. Remove the ADHD. It’s irrelevant. Why are you considering another date? Assess the behaviors outside of a diagnosis and decide if you want to tolerate them or not. Believe your spidey sense. That’s why it exists.

2. So some people’s ADHD can present similarly to Autism, such as hers seems based on your description.

   But honestly, regardless of that listen to your Spidey sense.

   If not, ADHD is not a barrier as long as both people are patient and the person with ADHD is actively treating it with medication and some sort of therapy.

3. I have ADHD and yet don’t trauma dump on first dates… sounds like an issue separate from the ADHD

4. Yeah, I was totally thinking she was distracted and unable to focus on one thing- you met for food, but she took you for a walk and then you popped into a store on the street and then…

   Suicidal ideation? Uh, not the same thing.

5. This really isn’t just an ADHD thing, it sounds like something else might be going on as well…and that it’s potentially unmanaged. I could be wrong though. Either way I would trust your gut.

6. I have adhd and a date probably wouldn’t notice it. If they were particularly perceptive they might pick up on a slight difficulty organizing thoughts to tell a story or an issue with picking conversation back up after a distraction. Later they would notice I don’t do well sitting still while watching tv or a movie at home. With my ex the solution was I worked the knots out of his legs while we sat around instead of fidgeting and generally being annoying.

7. I think you should be concerned about her massive disclosures to you. It isn’t appropriate to disclose that sort of trauma on the first meeting with someone. It’s a sign she’s got a lot more work to do on setting boundaries for herself. It’s not to do with adhd, this is about trauma. I’d strongly suggest not dating her right now.

8. I mean based on the behaviours you described it sounds like your Spidey sense picked up on her ADHD. Like, all those behaviours can be attributed to ADHD. Every single one. So what’s the problem here exactly.?

9. Ooo ooo I’ve got this

   I’ve had many serious relationships with people with adhd.

   I can answer whatever you want but the short answer is they are amazing people but unless they are medicated it is very unlikely to work out once the shininess wears off.

   Edit: sounds like she also has ptsd. This is common with adhd. There are strong theories that adhd is caused by abuse/trauma plus genetics combined

10. Trauma dumping that early is a little bit of a warning sign for me. Trust your spidey senses

11. I have ADHD and am on the spectrum (though like many women I mask very well and most people would never detect it). Take this with a grain of salt as I saw myself in this post and am adding a lot of personal projection and assumptions to this response. This is something that I used to do when I was younger. I’ve gotten extensive therapy and date with intention and this is one thing that I intentionally no longer do. I don’t think it’s necessarily a trauma dump or an indication that she’s going to keep doing this or that she won’t be able to control her emotions, she may even have a better handle on them than many others.

    Many neuro-divergent people experience depression, suicidal periods and extreme loneliness and it is often related to being neuro-divergent. That being said it doesn’t disqualify her from having the potential to be a great partner. I have done those things and gone on to have good relationships that even my exes would agree were by and large healthy and fulfilling. If you like her, give it a real shot

12. Has some one on the spectrum I have zero filter (apparently it’s a problem). But keeping seeing her if you like her. Some people find it refreshing that we don’t sugar coat things. But if you start to realize you don’t like certain personality traits that is ok too.

13. Good for you for giving her another chance. You sound like a good guy.

    However, go with your gut feeling. If you feel uneasy, or you feel like this person is unstable or will cause you stress in the future, do not get yourself involved. Your partner should never make you feel uneasy. I wish my past self had listened to this advice… It would have saved me 6 years of stress trying to constantly keep my ex happy and our relationship a float.

14. Just go slow and prioritize your own well-being.

15. Sorry but what does it mean that you felt a spidey sense that something was different about her? Do you mean in addition to the things she told you about? Or do you mean you were sensing something before she told you?

16. Is it “trauma dumping” as others have said, or “sharing life experiences”? Why bother dating if we’re terrified to learn how someone became the person they are today? Opening up and connecting on a deeper level is not a shameful act. Plus it sounds like you will always know where you stand with her. How refreshing.

    Clearly you have your dark shit too or you wouldn’t be in therapy. Open up my dude – she is presenting you with a beautiful opportunity to be liberated. If it’s too uncomfortable there’s no shortage of surface level conversations waiting on the other side for you. That’s ok too. Neurodiversity is wonderful and she will expand your world whether romance eventuates or not.

17. I’m an early 30s woman with ADHD and I’ve had a number of healthy long-term relationships throughout my 20s, which ended for normal reasons. Finding dating a bit more difficult now I’ve passed 30 but I think that’s due to other factors. I guess it all depends on how she’s managing it? I would be wary about her being so upfront about other trauma on the first date as it could mean strange boundaries.

18. As someone with ADHD, I do have my quirks and my slightly weird way of doing things. However, I also have enough self-awareness and life experience to know that trauma dumping on a first date is not okay, that I do have to keep my mouth shut sometimes as I know I have a tendency to interrupt people. Even when we are neurodivergent, that’s not an excuse to act inappropriately and impulsively. There’s a time and a place to be impulsive and to let loose.

    From what you have described, it sounds like she is someone who has issues with emotional self-regulation and a tendency to overshare early. Those are some of her quirks, however we can always learn coping mechanisms and strategies to keep these in check. It does take time and it won’t happen overnight, but we are capable and valuable.

19. My LTR was with someone who only got diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and while we were together, so I can speak about the before and after experience.
    It took over a year for the newness to wear off and it was very disarming, it seemed like he pulled off from the relationship from my POV while for him everything was fine. Once I’d adjusted to that, he seemed to jump from one obsession to another.
    In itself, ADHD was never an issue, he will occasionally forgets things, I had to plan everything and he wasn’t happy with repetitive/menial tasks (although who is to be honest), so I accepted to do most of the house chores which I deeply regret now.

    The issues were more once he was diagnosed, he only started to take Ritalin for work/driving but not for his private life. He didn’t want to do therapy at all. And once the pandemic hit, he stopped using Ritalin. Again, to him, there was no difference, to me I saw the difference as he started getting into lengthy hyperfocus episodes.

    Looking back I don’t think the ADHD was the reason it didn’t work. I think, among other things, it was mostly his refusal to address his issues and work on himself.
    I personally have no issues dating people with all sort of diagnosis as long as they are willing to put the work on themselves. That being said, always listen to your guts.

20. Your spidey sense sensation is your gut. Listen to your gut. Your gut says be wary. Proceed, be wary. These are red flags. If you’ve been previously attracted to instability and unavailability, it may be extra confusing in your gut because this woman is being both very available (in the sense that she shares easily and matter-of-factly) but at the same time demonstrating instability (lack of restraint in disclosing all of her mess within 30 minutes). I think you’re doing well checking in with yourself – how YOU FEEL with her is the most important thing. Do you feel heard? Do you feel interesting? Do you feel attractive? Or do you feel confused and ill-at-ease?

21. Everyone is absolutely making too big a deal of this “trauma dumping” hahaha, this subreddit is chock full of armchair psychologists.

    I haven’t been on essentially a single date in the last three months (which encompasses about 25 or 30 dates ) where each of us didn’t at some point share our pathologies, of which virtually everyone I meet these days has at least one or two.

    Now maybe how she did it was jarring but I don’t think it by definition suggests she is unavailable or going to radically change her mind about you. We would need much more evidence about what she literally behaves like to make such a judgment call.

    If you have confidence in yourself–and your ability to exit a situation that may be harmful–then go on a second date and try to see a bit more of what she is about.

    If you don’t, if you know yourself and know that you can dive in too quickly or easily in spite of knowing it’s bad for you, then I’d think maybe you should stay away.

22. I’m curious to read this thread because I have ADHD (diagnosed as an adult) and tend to end up having friends and going on dates with people who also have ADHD.

    I’m curious about the spidey sense thing.

23. People with ADHD tend to overshare, especially when they’re nervous or over excited with new people, and they can also be quite blunt which can offend or shock some people. She won’t have meant to have said stuff like that & probably feels embarrassed she did as well.

24. No – that’s manipulative, not ADHD. People with emotional issues that are unaddressed will do this to manipulate people into feeling close to them.

    It’s a trauma response, mostly because they have a core fear of being unlovable, so inundating people with heavy information like that makes the other party feel like they are special and therefore for more attached.

    I feel bad for this person, they have a lot of shit to work through, but it’s not your job to walk through the shit with them. People like this will drag you down. Move on while it’s still young.

    My personal theory is this: if I have bad enough vibes that I want to post on Reddit about it, I obviously have big doubts about this person. Probably best to date someone you don’t have huge doubts about this early on

25. Atypical first date, true to ADHD form.

    I have ADHD and been on a fair share of dates, I used to drop the history of my mental health but usually only when initiated by the other person as a way of saying “trust me, I get it.” That being said I usually don’t even bother bringing it up anymore because most folks have a different image of what it is in their mind.

    Similar to your date I can also be disarmingly blunt. I think this runs common in folks with ADHD because we are so used to our minds running 1000 mph that sometimes we try to keep things simple and straight to the point to avoid sending ourselves into thought spirals or down the rabbit hole. I have also been told my bluntness is refreshing, life is too short to beat around the bush, I prefer to get straight to the fruit.

    Sometimes too folks with ADHD overshare, I know I do it, particularly when I’m anxious. Given that first dates can spark some anxiety I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the case. The good thing about folks with ADHD is that if you have their attention (not something easily attained) then you know you have their interest. If she seemed engaged in the date and if you thought it was a good time I would go for round 2.

    And buckle up, us folks with ADHD don’t do boring, and we can bring a one of kind energy to relationships that you can find anywhere else.

26. Is it trauma dumping? Or is it just talking about the past in an unfiltered way? Idk… these responses are very eye opening to me. I have ADHD and depression, both very well treated now.

    I do talk about my past openly because I am a very direct person and I firmly believe that talking about our human experiences destigmatizes them. I had an abusive marriage, post partum suicidal thoughts and a bunch of other experiences I think others have been through. I have been to a LOT of therapy, I am completely healed from those experiences, and talk about them just like I’d talk about… anything. I have nothing to hide and I’m not emotionally attached to them in any way.

    I really struggle with the idea that there are parts of yourself that aren’t appropriate to show for X amount of dates. I don’t deliberately talk about that stuff, but I don’t filter if it’s relevant.

    To add another layer to this, I am a writer with a decent size social media following and a podcast. I openly share every part of myself with… literally everyone. It’s how people relate to me and quite frankly how I make a living.

    This thread is making me realize how offputting that is to some people. That being said I don’t think I’m interested in changing that about myself. I’m not sure I could. I personally think unfiltered honesty & directness is a rare superpower and I admire it in others. This all very much explains why I scare people off.

27. I have ADHD, and I have done this hahaha. And then later I’m like fuuuuccccckkk whyyyyy.

    Now, if that’s where the convo goes, and I feel like it’s a mutual sharing, I’ll share it. People are much more open about mental health now.

    She might just be in a spot where she’s owning her shit and trying to move on, so she’s being super honest, ‘cause a lot of adhd women do the old “I’m fine” when we are truly not.

    Or she might be an oversharer trauma dumper, and take up a ton of emotional energy.

    Regardless, her ADHD doesn’t really factor into if she is a kind, self-aware, accountable person. I know people with and without ADHD who are not that.

    See how it goes on your second date and keep that spidey sense in mind, because the gut is very intuitive.

28. She must be quite the looker…

29. I will quote you some very sound advice given to me when I was struggling with what to do about someone I was dating whose erratic behavior was driving me a bit crazy.

    “We are not inexperienced anymore, we don’t need to romantically throw ourselves into every challenge or every “project” partner to see how it will turn out.”

    OP why take on a “project?” Is that really how you want to spend your time and emotional energy?

    Why not search for someone who has already done the necessary work?

30. I have ADHD. This person seems to have no/permeable boundaries – that’s an unstable person thing, not an ADHD thing.

    In other words – how healthy do you think this person is if they need you to know all their trauma upfront in order to contextualize them? I used to do that when I was MUCH younger (early twenties) and I was not a healthy person emotionally.

    Now, if it comes up, I’ll let you know I had a hard childhood. After I know you well enough and trust you I might tell you more about it. If we get into a serious relationship it’ll come up the way it should for anyone – ie this is why xyz can be triggering, here’s how I work on it etc.

    A healthy person doesn’t divulge trauma early on to a stranger because they don’t know if the stranger is a safe person yet. When people divulge too early to me it’s a sign that they struggle with boundaries and potentially don’t know how to create a safe relationship, because they aren’t even looking out for themselves.

31. I’ll be honest, as a person with ADHD a lot of the comments in this thread are really frustrating me. Especially the stigma and misinformation coming from people who have dated someone with ADHD and had a bad experience.

    Any type of brain based disorder exists on a spectrum. To put it simply some people are going to be “more” ADHD than others. And while there are common symptoms that lead to an ADHD diagnosis, how it presents and how each person manages it (or doesn’t) is SO individualized.

    As a quick example, did you know there are actually *three* [types of ADHD?](https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/childhood-adhd/types-of-adhd) Each type is going to come with its own strengths and challenges.

    The best thing to do if you’re interested is to get to know this person as an individual. Knowing she has ADHD really doesn’t tell you anything about things like her emotional availability or how stable she is.

    Imagine I was setting you up on a date and told you the person has brown hair. Alright, you know a basic fact about them. But what shade of brown is it? Is it natural? Is it dyed? How long is it? Is it curly? Do they wash it often? What kind of products do they use? Do they enjoy styling it? Are you going to say “oh no way, someone on Reddit dated someone with brown hair once and they were awful.” Or are you going to realize all people with brown hair are individual and give them a chance? Etc. etc.

    Obviously having brown hair is less complex than having ADHD. But I just wanted to give an example of how knowing a single piece of information about a person (in your case that they have ADHD) really doesn’t tell us much about them as an *individual.*

32. Hey. So from a person with ADHD (maybe also cross post this to r/irlADHD). Expect a lot of the following things, starting with the 2 you’ve already mentioned…

    Directness – It’s just a thing about getting from A to B without messing around. It can be startling for neurotypical people, but honest communication is pretty refreshing.

    Trauma – Many of the outward symptoms of ADHD appear as “moral failings”. Things like forgetfulness, tardiness, just not being able to do something, not appearing to sit still and pay attention etc, really stand out during the formative years and this leads to a lot more criticism than received by their peers. Accusations of being a failure, lazy, rude etc really take hold and define many of us as people. Be prepared for reassuring her due to self esteem issues.

    Over explaining – enjoy the details, because you’re going to get them. Each story could have multiple twists, turns, and side references that you need to understand to understand this bit.

    Punctuality – It’s either late or very early. Time doesn’t really mean much but can sometimes mean everything (we don’t understand it either).

    Emotions – People with ADHD generally don’t half ass relationships, this can be overwhelming to some, but it’s just us trying to understand the flood of emotions from this cool new person we met. Yay dopamine!

    Research executive functioning and how it affects people, ADHD affects this process and creates the issues that you can, and cannot see.

33. Ulg, sounds like a trauma dumper. I hope she will not be overbearing. I think there is a time and place for everything and for me 1st date isn’t it.

    Good for you for looking at te positive site of things but Watch being the caretaker. Al this dumping has nothing to do with ADHD

34. as a woman with adhd, those are not adhd symptoms lmao. sounds like she’s looking for a therapist more so than a boyfriend. trauma dumping on a first date is generally not attractive. if you want to give her a chance by all means go for it but it sounds like she has some work to do on herself before she’s ready to be a good partner in a stable relationship

35. I have adhd but I don’t traumadump on the first date. This sounds like un-boundaried sharing. To me, that’s a red flag. But everyone is different.