First off I’m a pretty introverted person. It takes a lot for me to feel comfortable enough to open up to people, and while I’m sure that plays a big part in it, I still don’t understand how people just go out and make friends so easily. These days it seems like everyone would rather keep to themselves and it would be considered weird to just walk up to someone and attempt to strike up a conversation, well at least in my experience. I feel like I do all the right things, I use the Meet Up app, I try to go out and do things instead of sitting in the house all the time, I go to bars and social areas, but it all feels like meaningless tasks that lead to nothing but wasting my money. I have a couple of friends, but I met them through pure luck.
To the folks with large circles, what did you do and how did you do it?
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I value others and seek them out. I invest my time and energy in pro-social work that helps others in both a paid and volunteer basis. I make a great effort to connect to those around me because everyone is just as valuable as I am. I take part in community–my neighborhood, my city, my social organizations, my spiritual practices, my intellectual pursuits, these all have a community aspect and I work to involve myself in them and to include others in whatever I do if I can.
If other people don’t matter to you, if they are just a bother, then you’ll push them away and remain lonely. Consider caring about and caring for others.
Assuming that you’re an adult based on the post.
For me, the easiest way to meet people and potentially become friends is to join a group/club/sports league/meetup/whatever it is that is an interest of yours. Through that, I have met people, started to have more and more conversations, and from there, become friends.
It helps to have a mutual interest that brings you together, or at least an activity that will see people regularly at. I can’t think of a time that I randomly introduced myself to someone and became friends (or at least, not in the past decade or so) meeting at a bar or something like that. I’ve gotten to know a lot more people by doing a regular activity and starting to talk to people slowly.
I know you said you already use it, but I have found the best way is to use Meetup and clubs. I don’t know what you do exactly, but in my experience the keys are:
1. To go consistently (at least every other week or so) for at least several months. Like you said for yourself, it takes most people time to warm up to a new person. So you need consistent exposure to people.
2. To find people that you have things in common with. It’s much easier to have the consistent contact with someone that is required to be friends with them when you have mutual interests you can engage over.
3. After a while, start inviting people to do things outside the meet up or club. If you don’t want your relationship with people to be limited to the meet up or club, this is a necessary step to form a stronger friendship.
Then it’s just a matter of keeping up with them. Inviting them to more things and continuing to see them at the club or meet up. I have made dozens of friends this way.
If you have tried that for quite a while and it’s not working for you, I would guess you have a different issue (like an off putting personality or a high degree of shyness) that would be better helped with someone like a therapist than reddit.
I joined a run club when I relocated across the country. I made a lot of friends there. It’s important to note:
1. I’m not really a “runner” I just wanted to find something healthy to do an meet people.
2. I chose a run club that wasn’t for advanced/highly serious runners.
3. Once I was there I was friendly and talked to people. Little comments like “I like your shoes where did you get them?” Or “what do you do for work?” “How long have you lived here” really help to get the ball rolling.
4. I didn’t give up when I wasn’t immediately invited to go do other activities with them. It took a couple months of showing up every week and then when there were open invites for things I showed up.
Last 5. Once the intro barrier was broken I actively reached out to people I liked from the group and asked them what their plans were for the weekend.
Edit: I’m an introvert. Being social feels exhausting to me. But I’m also not afraid to be outgoing and inquisitive with others.
I have never actually approached anyone in my life male or female, the 3 friends i have now talked to me first and im very lucky, i am terrified of talking to anybody i do not know, just think they will make fun of my severe lack of social skills/shyness
I think the most helpful thing to do at the beginning is to make sure that the places you’re going/activities you’re doing while looking to potentially meet new friends are places/activities that you would enjoy going to/doing even if you end up not meeting anyone. Just riffing off of the vibe of “meaningless tasks that lead to nothing but wasting money”. Granted sometimes it does take trying a lot of things to find your “thing”, and some of the ones that you don’t end up liking may feel like this, but try to keep experimenting until you find something that feels good/fun to do 🙂
For me this year, it has been local live music- I love concerts, and I’ve started attending frequent smaller/cheaper shows in my city several times a month. Over the course of like 20-25 shows I’ve only met 1 person I’d consider a new friend, and a few additional acquaintances who might yet grow into more, but the key is that even on nights where I don’t feel particularly chatting or it seems like everyone is already in bigger groups that I don’t feel comfortable approaching, I still have a great time so it never feels like a waste~ That’s just my example, but hopefully you can find something similar for yourself.
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We don’t do that anymore in 2022.
Stop watching movies from other eras. Making friends is literally a myth
You have to go someplace where you can see the same people regularly. And then strike up regular conversations over time. After a few times of that, you develop a rapport, and then invite them to do something with you.
I make it sound so simple with the phrase “Develop a Rapport.”
That’s the key right there. Knowing how to do that. But it’s important not to expect something to develop from a “one off” encounter. I mean, it *could* if you exchange info and start meeting up. But normally it takes several conversations to get that going.
I make friends by literally becoming a good friend. In other words, aside from the usual ‘put yourself out there and do stuff that you like’ I went the extra mile to build the qualities that I’d most appreciate from a friend of my own.
Such as being a good listener, being fun to hang out with or just ‘being there for them’.
So, just because you talk to someone doesn’t mean they are now your friend.
Second, the way we build friendships is by being around the same people on a regular basis, think daily or weekly. Eventually through conversation over time you’ll make a lasting connection and become friends, but it’s not this instantaneous thing like you’re describing.
So what you need to do is to put yourself in situations where you’ll be around the same people on a regular basis. Things like book clubs, boxing classes, yoga, sports leagues, cooking classes, etc. Going to events where everyone is always a complete stranger isn’t going to build the connections you need to become friends.
Build them ether out of genetic creations or built a robot friend lol
I don’t know if this helps but all my friends in my life come from my hobbies
Guitar–> made friends that lasted til today
Spirituality –> female friend and a guy friend who’s also into music
It works
Much love, you got this
Buy a motorbike. Ride said motorbike. Your welcome
In my experience, the 3 main ways people make friends are school, college and in their job. It’s generally very simple to bond in these scenarios because you are forced to see those people very frequently. If you for some reason can’t use those options then my advice is to start practicing hobbies in which you have to cooperate or be around lots of people. Of course dating and friendship apps are an option, but they’re not just my thing. I really value the unexpected, unpredictable aspect of real life interaction.
I literally just commented this earlier so I’m just copying and pasting this because it applies:
The way to make friends is to spend time together and experience life together. That’s why it’s easy to make friends in school. You’re forced to be around each other and you naturally end up dealing with what life throws at you together. The military and fraternities/sororities use the same method to force their recruits to bond too.
Now that you’re an adult that’s going to be difficult because you need to find a recurring activity that basically forces you to spend time with groups of people (because nobody just meets a random person and agrees to hang out with them consistently so you have a better chance of bonding with a group and then nurturing a relationship with the people you prefer to be friends with/people who accept you into their group). Many people choose things like local sports teams, community college classes, playing video games together every night on discord, starting a book club with your neighbors/coworkers, working at a coffee shop and building a rapport with others who do the same. You have to find what works for you and stick with it. Maybe choose multiple things. My buddy from the city near me chose dance classes, EDM concerts and a local volleyball team and it’s working for him.
It doesn’t matter how likeable you are, you just can’t be unlikeable. Even if you’re a middling boring person and you spend 300 hours interacting with someone (not just being around them, you have to acknoledge their existence by laughing at their jokes or commenting about something that happened or whatever), you will eventually form a bond. If you want to only spend one day a week reaching out to people, it’s going to take a long time to form that bond (because you have to choose who and then hope it works out and some friends are only in your life for a certain amount of time) and people may move on with their lives and not have time to nurture that bond with you, which is why you need to constantly be proactive and go to these events/try to create these events.
As you become closer, you need to just learn when and why you reach out to these people. One trick that I like to use is that I bombard my friends and loved ones with memes and posts and shit on instagram. Most of them don’t respond because there are so many but it lets them know that I was thinking of them and that’s all they want. To know that they’re valued and sometimes I throw in something specific to the person and it shows that I’m listening to them about their lives and it’s not like some mass marketing email or whatever. There’s no set number of reach outs that you need to hit to stay friends. You just need to stay in each others lives.
Building a social/support circle is work. Good luck and have fun.