Two year situationship: Take the risk or follow the plan?

I’m frozen between logic and emotion, with no good solution. I (30M now) moved to my current city (3 million population on the beach) two years ago while in the military. I had zero relationship expectations when I moved, but just wanted to set up my next few years while enjoying a place I likely wouldn’t live for long; I partied every weekend, dated around a bit, and made new friends.. a few months into living here, I met someone (30F) who I really liked and saw long term potential in.

A few weeks later, I took her on a date and I recognized both chemistry and compatibility. We kept talking, but two weeks after our date I got put on military orders to move 1300 miles away within the next 8 months and then would have a follow on assignment at an undetermined location six months after that. Due to where I was in life and other goals, I decided to try to get those orders cancelled; meaning I would have to resign my position and ultimately have to leave the military which was my childhood dream. Cancelling this move is a bureaucratic process that takes months to get confirmed and I was told would be highly unlikely to even be approved. I submitted my request, and told this girl that I couldn’t pursue her in good conscience because my future was so uncertain and it wouldn’t be fair to set either of us up for failure; she understood, she thanked me, and went on dates with other people. After months of still seeing each other in social settings and texting, she picked me up from the bar one night and requested to stay with me. She knew I couldn’t do long term, but felt safe with me and was open to a FWB situation now that she didn’t just see me as a “random stranger she had just met”.

It took 7 months to get my military separation orders, 5 months after that to transition into being a civilian, and it’s been 9 months since that. In all that time, we’ve jumped between seeing each other weekly, or not seeing each other for a month+; I went home and travelled for awhile, but came back to the area recently for what I knew would not be long term. I’ve been spending intimate time with this girl under our initial understanding that I wouldn’t live here my whole life and so what we had was short term. She hadn’t seen anyone else since the first night she came home with me almost two years ago.

She knows I care about her, even though I’ve tried to downplay it in a misguided attempt to protect mine and her emotions from future pain. I know she got really attached to me. We had had discussions and somewhat reevaluated our intents twice, which meant I still always planned to leave and move closer to home and my friends (900 miles away), but we agreed we’d continue our arrangement for the foreseeable future. I told her to feel free to find other people and I felt bad that she might be missing out on other relationships when I couldn’t provide her a future. She declined, said she was happy with what we were.

Through all this, I’ve been set on moving back home; where I live now doesn’t fit my lifestyle, hobbies, values, or any vision of where I’d like to raise a family and plant roots. I’ve always known I’d eventually live within driving distance of my family and friends. I have an incredible life already built half way across the country.

Three weeks ago, I took two days to meditate and completely roadmap my life intent, future vision, and family goals; the next day, I cancelled my lease with a 60 day move out window. Part of this decision process was listing the things I’d miss about where I live: I could only come up with 4 things: a few locations and her. I have good friends, a social network, live in a vibrant community, and have a life others are jealous of, but that’s all I truly will miss. I know that I will never be happy long term staying here. I already knew I felt attached to her, but this self reflection really showed me how much and the extent I’ve missed out on by keeping some walls up and us not exploring further options. I’ve been so focused on working that I forgot to maintain the rest of my life.

That day I decided to really enjoy my last two months here with her; i.e. stop working so much, make more time, open up a bit. I wanted her to truly understand that it wasn’t all one sided; I was hoping to experience a few last things here with her before our time ran its course.. and I was really starting to second guess why this couldn’t turn long term. Maybe I just felt guilty.

We’ve hungout 3 times since, all 3 playing volleyball, nothing intimate or physical. We’ve been flirtatious, but I could tell the vibe was off with her a bit. I had dreaded telling her I was finally moving after all this time of expecting it; I blurted it out on our way to volleyball the second time. She wasn’t happy, but understood. I was worried she’d be really upset. I took her back home after the games. Once inside, she got distant, the warmness disappeared.

Two months prior, we had discussed our terms again; I had told her that my plan was still to leave our city and go home soon, we had kept the situationship going. Once inside, she tells me what she’s dreading: she took me at my word as she should have, and now she’s followed through and said she just started seeing someone. We can’t do anything physical and she couldn’t keep waiting on me to change my mind, so she did what I had told her was ok for two years and looked elsewhere

I understood, I still do, but damn does it hurt. It was the original plan; we’d enjoy each other while I was here and she was always free to move on, I wouldn’t be upset with her. I said I’m happy for her, made sure he’s a good guy, and let her know she can always reach out if she needs something. We still played volleyball the next day for five hours just us. During these two days, we’ve lightheartedly referenced/joked how it was my choice, she had me before I got orders to move, and hinted we’re still a possibility, I’m the first option.

When I reevaluated my future, I decided to explore the possibilities, or at least discuss, because I don’t want to lose her.. and at that same time she was giving up on me as a romantic partner, I just didn’t know it yet.

\*\*Now I’m at a loss of what to do. I’ve had feelings for her for months and knew she did me and that we both still do, but that it didn’t align with my life plans so we kept it bottled up. We’re compatible in hobbies, lifestyle, values, etc. It’s the best sex either of us have had and I know she’ll make an incredible mother some day. She loves my dog and I admire so much with how she goes about life and treats people; she really is a golden soul. I see her fitting into my life back home and how my family and friends would really like her. Circumstance and my “nailed down” life plans kept us (me) from committing. She said she’s not done with being friends and really seemed concerned that I wouldn’t want to ever see her again, can’t wait to visit me in a few months once I’m settle in, etc.

I move in 5 weeks, the way I see it, I have 3 real choices:

A: Be a selfish jerk; tell her all this, give her hope, regret, and make her second guess the new guy she just met. She’s come to terms with us not becoming an item, I can’t take that away and lead to more uncertainty.. but will I regret not doing this in a year? Or will it not work, I lose a good friend, and feel morally bankrupt while wasting more of her time.

B: Be noble; eat all of this and tell her nothing. Continue forward as friends as the plan always was. Be happy for her. I’m capable of this; I’ve gotten really used to moving and missing out on meaningful relationships. I’ll ignore my gut instincts and bury my emotions because it’s likely best for her in the long term. I’ve already held back emotion for two years so we could avoid this exact situation. I partly think it’s better this way. She was going to be the one losing me when I move; now, I’m the one losing her as she’s moved on with someone else. This softens her blow and puts it on me, I can take it.

C. Find a happy medium; I feel the need to disclose some. I realize now she was unsure of herself for quite awhile, yet stood by me waiting for so long and it never worked out. I want to reassure her that it wasn’t her fault, I really do value her; she’s seemed sad and disappointed the last time we talked about a future. She said she wants to pick my brain about stuff; maybe this just give us each a bit of closure while remaining in a healthy place.

I know it’s a long read, but I want to hear some perspective. My friend visited this weekend. He’s a dating/relationship coach. His advice is summed up as “you’re crazy if you don’t tell her about this, I have clients who would kill to be in your shoes and you’re thinking about letting it end out of a misguided sense of the right thing to do”.

We only get one chance at life, what would you do in my shoes? It’s an imperfect situation, I know I built this and I’m not exactly the good guy here. But now what?

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Note: I do recognize that I have some fear of abandonment and somewhat shelter myself from getting too attached to people that directly contributed to this. I’ve moved states 6 times since graduating college and have had to say hard goodbyes to many close friends and relationships. Further, I buried my Father when I was 26; I lost the most important person in my life on no notice and haven’t felt comfortable letting someone get really close to me since in any kind of relationship. I still miss my dad so much and struggle giving anyone else the power to make me feel that alone or broken in the future.

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TL;DR: I’m moving soon and will really miss the undefined situationship I’ve been in for almost two years. It just got confusing and I’m not sure how to handle it.