I love my (27/f) boyfriend (32/m) but don’t know if we should be together.
Long post coming.
I moved to a new city about 2 years ago. I only know 2 or 3 people here, but met my current boyfriend about 3 months after moving.
At the time, I wasn’t sure what I was looking for. I had been casually dating for about a year after a serious break up, and was open to friendship, dating, etc. We initially spent a lot of time together, and got close very quickly – I think this is typical in the beginning. As time has gone on, we’ve had periods of time where we see each other less often, and then again more often, which again, I think is typical.
Overall, he treats me pretty well. We have some similar interests, for ex. playing video games, watching shows, both love cats, etc., but we generally don’t enjoy the same activities. I’m not sure how exactly to explain it, but I used to leave the house at least once a day, even if it was to go on a walk. He works from home and is perfectly content staying home for days on end.
Whenever I want to do something, he suggests that we go bowling, shoot pool, or go to a club/bar. I don’t like the club/bar scene, although we have gone on several occasions, both with others and just us two.
I’d much prefer to go hiking, go shopping, or spend time with friends and family. My bf doesn’t like any of these things.
When I suggest hanging out with friends and doing something with them, he doesn’t want to. We did occasionally hang out with others towards the beginning of our relationship, but haven’t for months. He says he doesn’t like hanging out with my friends/family. He doesn’t really have any friends/couple friends that we can hang out with. On top of that, family is a huge deal to me. Unfortunately, he’s not close to his (for good reason), but also doesn’t make much effort to get close to my family.
His idea of bonding with my father is drinking together. Although this might be a good bonding experience at times, he knows I don’t like alcohol (dads a functioning alcoholic). On my birthday / thanksgiving this past year, he got so drunk with my dad and ruined my night.
Like I said, though, it’s not just family and friends. It’s like he doesn’t like to do anything with me. I have to “force” him to go grocery shopping. He’d rather order groceries. Leisurely shopping is another story. In fact, his attitude when we’ve gone shopping together in the past has put me off so much that I don’t even ask / want him to come anymore. In turn, this has resulted in me shopping a lot less as well. This might be a silly example, but it’s something I used to regularly do and enjoy.
I also haven’t gone on a single hike since moving here ~2 years ago. In my previous town, I went on hikes with my best friend or guys I was dating, but like I said, I don’t know many people here. I’ve expressed this to him on numerous occasions. I have seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and am super happy that the days are getting longer. I’d love to go on walks and get outdoors. With him, it’s like pulling teeth. He doesn’t even like to walk to a nearby Starbucks just to get outside. I know I can do these things alone, and I do sometimes, but I feel like these are basic things to do with a partner.
While I feel this way, he says we never do things that HE enjoys. However, from my perspective, we mostly do things that he likes. I usually go to his place, which he prefers (he lives alone, vs. me living with roommates). We then watch TV/YouTube – to be fair, I usually pick what we watch, which he always makes a point of. We also regularly play video games, which he loves. Even if I’m not playing, he’ll sometimes play alone for hours into the night.
Like I said earlier in this post, I know I can do these things alone. However, I find myself doing nothing, since I spend a lot of time with him, and don’t know others here.
When I talk to him about my feelings, he says he used to enjoy going out and such, but changed after the pandemic. I’ve told him that staying in for days makes me stir-crazy. His suggestion (once again) is that we go to the club / bar, lol. When I turn that down, he insists I’m the one who doesn’t want to do anything.
I don’t want to be a brat and need to know if I’m being selfish or one sided here. Am I being unrealistic? I don’t want to change who he is, but just don’t know if we’re compatible.
I’d appreciate any help.
tldr; is it selfish of me to expect my boyfriend to leave the house and do things together?
4 comments
He’s become an introvert and you’re very much not. It is a basic incompatibility if you ask me. You need someone much closer to extrovert.
Well he may be an introvert, but If he doesn’t want to go outside and he rather just stay inside all day, he may also be depressed. Any other signs of depression? Heavily sleeping, Not changing clothes, house a mess, etc
You aren’t compatible imo. You want to hike, he wants to drink or go bowling. It’s ok for him to not like shopping or for you to not like bowling. But I honestly think you both would be happier alone. I know it’s hard to be alone in a new city.
Also, I noticed one other thing from your post.
“I’d love to go on walks and get outdoors…He doesn’t even like to walk to a nearby Starbucks just to get outside. I know I can do these things alone, and I do sometimes, but I feel like these are basic things to do with a partner.”
That is clearly not how he feels. That is not how everyone you will meet and date feels. The way you feel is absolutely valid! But, here’s the cost of that feeling: you have discovered you have a requirement for a partner who will do these things.
Rather than try to change his feelings, which also are valid, I believe it would be easier for you to be single.
Yes, people DO need fresh air, exercise, but people also can have sensory issues, just not like it, etc. Find someone who likes at least some of the same things you do, not only video games.