I know it sounds weird but I just want to understand your logic behind it. Often I see here posts (from people who are not virgins) about making out for a month or X dates before they decide to have sex etc. Why?
I’ve always had sex on the first intimate date with my boyfriends or on the first possible occasion with my FWBs. Obviously it works for me and it doesn’t have to work for other people but I’m curious about thinking process there. Making out but not having the actual sex would leave me so unsatisfied, I’d go crazy.
You need to establish some trust? Do you have low libido? Is it connected with religious beliefs somehow?
I hope it won’t offend anyone, I’m just curious.
13 comments
It’s about wanting trust and an emotional connection and emotional intimacy before the physical one.
Also it can be an essential part of filtering out guys who only want to hit it and quit it.
Low libido or religion do not factor into it
Because once some men have sex they will ghost you… They don’t want a relationship they just want sex.
So in order to weed those men out you abstain from sex for the first few dates, this lets you find a man actually interested in you and not just what’s between your legs.
I mean it really depends on the person and chemistry. I usually don’t though as I’d like to get comfortable with the person first but I’m not opposed
I’m not rigid about it. Sometimes, (rarely), the intimacy and trust is there from the gitgo, and I’ll fuck on the first hang-out or within the first 3 when that’s so CLEARLY there. Generally tho, feeling each other out takes time. I believe who we mix sex energy with is actually really important. I want to make sure the people I am with are respectful of boundaries, have self-love, no substance abuse problems, understanding, spiritual well-being, good listeners. I like to make sure that we are compatible, and sometimes that is not immediately apparent. Not like I’m quizzing these people, more like observing, listening and just seeing how our interactions flow or don’t flow. Familiarizing with their energy. Growing my attraction to them and them to me. It can also add to the passion to wait for each other and just tease for a few weeks/months/years haha. Each relationship of mine is different.
Youre like me. You dont just like making out, thats like meh, you like the full thing. I also don’t understand how people can be making out a month or longer straight without anything else 🤷🏻♀️ I guess this is what we need and they don’t understand us either lmao
Some of us place a different value on sex. I look at it like this, I never had sex until I married my wife. Having sex and making love are two different things. I never had sex with my wife, but I made love to her many times. I couldn’t imagine sex with out love, it’s too much like being an animal.
I don’t want a man who only wants sex, the dating pool is full of toxic waste. I’ve seen it first hand, my friends go out on all these dates and as soon as they’ve been fucked a few times the guys go cold. And also dating is scary, you have no idea who you’re talking to really so I’m not gonna let him know where I live and I’m not locking myself in his house before I get a better feel of who he is as a person.
Plus I’m shy, if I ever do date again it might take me a while to get the confidence to have sex with someone again. If that turns a guy off me then good, bullet dodged.
In a comment, the OP writes:
>I just don’t get why penetrative sex is the taboo in that case
When I was young, I had coitus with a woman I did not really like. Let’s call her… heck, Beatrice. It was a strange situation; I had fallen in love with her room-mate, “Sally” and Sally and I had a tumultuous six-month relationship.
Sally had moved away and broken off all contact with me. I was bereft and broken. I found myself weeping at random times; I couldn’t sleep; I spent hours walking randomly.
Another six months later, I felt mostly recovered and I happened to run into Beatrice on the street. She had never liked me either, but her relationship with Sally had also ended jaggedly, so we had something in common. She asked me to lunch, which I accepted, expecting to go to a cafe or diner. Instead, we got in her car and drove to a supermarket. She bought bread, lunchmeat, fruit, and soda, and we drove for a little while, talking about Sally and what went wrong with her for both us. She pulled over on the highway and she made a picnic there on the grassy verge.
I don’t remember who really started it, but somehow we began making out. It wasn’t sexy — it wasn’t really sex. We put our hands in each other’s underwear as if we were looking for something. I pulled her shirt open enough so I could see her nipples, as if that would make things clearer.
I don’t know how long we embraced on the verge there, with the cars zooming by, but when the sun was setting, we got back in her car and drove back to her apartment — the apartment she had shared with Sally.
There were already people there, new room-mates maybe, and Beatrice sat me on her couch and resolutely ignored me to chat with them. I was overwhelmed not only by the strange afternoon, but by memories of being with Sally in that apartment.
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember, the sun was coming up. I wandered around the cavernous apartment. Beatrice seemed to have taken over Sally’s bedroom, and that annoyed me. I went in the room and Beatrice was asleep in the bed. I pulled the covers off her; the sudden cold woke her up.
I registered that not only had she been sleeping naked, but that her body was much more shapely than I had imagined. She always wore dowdy clothes — chunky sweaters, corduroys, heavy boots — and I assumed her body would be likewise graceless, but no. It was sleek and glowing. She lay there and let me look, neither inviting me nor trying to hide herself. I stripped off my own clothing and lay on top of her. “Are you on birth-control?”
“No,” she said. I entered her and she made small squeaky noises, like a dog-toy, until I ejaculated inside her.
I went home with the sense I had broken something valuable. Sex with Sally — as with her only predecessor, an exchange student who had seduced me once in the front seat of my mom’s Cressida — had been a celebration, a battle, an *event*. With Beatrice, it had seemed simultaneously sacrilege and… nothing at all.
So I made a rule for myself: I have no inhibitions about sex, no protocols, nothing. I won’t break the law, at least not badly, but if I can have sex, I will. One day, I got five blowjobs in a row, from five different women, because I felt like it. Another time, at a somewhat sleazy bar, I sat three waitresses on a table and went down on them, in random order as if I were playing the xylophone. Whatever I want.
*Except,* I will not have coitus, I will not insert my penis into the birth-canal of woman, unless I am in love with that woman. I have had sex, by some definition, with perhaps four dozen women — oral sex, or mutual masturbation, or just pressing our bodies together — but the procreative act (never again without protection) with only five, and with each of them, there was a bond that abides still.
And now, almost four decades from that day on the grassy verge of the highway, I have so internalized that rule, it has become instinctive. The idea of intercourse with a woman I do not love, a stranger, a friend, or even, as with Beatrice, an enemy, seems repugnant, like touching the carcass of a dead animal.
Younger me would think it would be great to do the sex early. But now I love this idea.
I’m dating a girl and I’m slowly falling for her. I’m super attracted to her, more so than the day I met her. Sexual tension has been built up through a few dates, then finally you have sec with her. Imagine how passionate that would be. You trust them and are more infatuated with them. I feel like that would kick off a good sex life and a good relationship hahahaha
Trust, emotional connection, hoping it might turn into a long-term relationship so wanting to see if you have things in common…in my case, speaking as a 35M, I need to have some form of emotional connection to be intimate with a woman; even before I married, I worked at a company where the women – men ratio was something like 3 – 1 and of those men, over half were not into women. As such those of us who were were certainly not starved for female attention and many very much enjoyed being able to have the “pick of the litter”, so to speak – and I just couldn’t do it. Literally had one particular female friend over one evening to watch a movie. Actually watched the movie as I didn’t feel anything that made me want to try anything, even though objectively she was very attractive. Even when I started dating my now wife, it took about a month of pretty regular meeting, like every other day, before we did anything sexual. No disrespect intended to those who enjoy casual sex (in some ways I’m a bit jealous actually), but I can’t feel that attraction necessary unless I’m going off more than just how the woman looks.
Because I require an emotional connection, sex without one I don’t enjoy.
Nothing to do with low libido or religion.
Beyond that I also consider sex to be the most intimate you can get with someone and that requires trust.
As to making out without sex, that just build tension and anticipation for better sex. Plus I value all ways my husband and I express intimacy.
My #1 rule is to never have sex with someone the first time I meet them. And I’ve never regretted a hookup since.
Since I got out of my last relationship I find I need to trust someone and know they actually care about me having a good time, and they’re not just there to get their dick wet. So I honestly don’t have the urge on the first date because I know regretting the hookup is so much worse than going home horny lol
Because as teenagers we are endoctrinated to be chast and sex is so wrong and you must have “feelings” to have sex. So it goes a long way.nothing wrong for having sex on the first date.