Me (30sF) and my boyfriend (40sM) of almost 2 years ran into an issue last week. For context, I do feel like I put more than my fair share into this relationship and that he is more the passive partner. He also is very slow moving towards us moving forward as a couple (doesnt talk about us moving in together….doesnt want to talk about time frames for having kids, despite saying he wants them “soon”?). Anyway….
We went to dinner several weeks ago with one of his friends, who I was meeting for the first time. She’s the same age as him, married, definitely not into him. She asked him “what are some of the things you like about her” (meaning me), and he said “she ticks my boxes” but couldnt actually elaborate on any distinguishable features of mine. I felt embarrassed and tried to cover the awkwardness up by mentioning some things I liked about him. I didn’t really think anything more of it.
Fast forward to a few days ago, he was showing me some photos from his phone convo with this friend and when he accidentally flicked to the last photo they shared, it was a picture of the movie poster for “he’s just not that into you”. I immediately asked if she sent that to him about me, he said it was but that he didnt mean for me to see it. I got very upset and asked if he was laughing with her about me behind my back/making me the butt of the joke as in the movie, the main character is a girl
(that’s a bit desperate and cringey) that likes this guy, he doesn’t like her back and she just cant read between the lines. He swears that they weren’t making fun of me, but that she was simply telling him he needs to do more for me/say nicer thing but my gut says different. He also didnt offer to show me the text conversation that took place, which also seems a bit off (if I was in that position, I would want to prove that I didn’t mean anything by it). I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or if this is something to go further into/not let go.
TLDR; My boyfriend’s female friend sent him a pic of the movie poster for “he’s just not that into you”, which he admits IS about me, but lamely tried to say that they werent making fun of me, of which I have no way of proving because he didnt show me the conversation around the pic.
4 comments
He doesn’t seem into you. I think that was the entire point of the movie poster. Not that you are LIKE the girl in the movie, but that the title related more towards him. Find someone who has a spark of appreciation and affection towards you.
It sounds like this is a bigger issue than a movie poster saying. You noted that you put more effort than him into the relationship. I judge people on their actions and behavior. His actions indicate he really is not into you.
As a 40 something year old man having no interest in having children and you do then you have the wrong partner for at his age, it probably won’t happen.
“She’s the same age as him, married, definitely not into him.”
You sure about that? I find it super weird that she put him on the spotlight in front of you by asking him what he likes about you. Perhaps she’s not into him, but seriously doubts that he is into you and is quite ‘open’ about it.
That might also be the reason that he doesn’t want to show you their conversation.
I wouldn’t overthink the conversation at dinner. To be honest, it was sort of an inappropriate question and he was likely incredibly uncomfortable.
But two years in, you’re not being unreasonable to want to confirm what your future might look like. Being in your 30s, it’s obviously more important as it relates to having children. So it’s time to insist on a real conversation. You obviously can’t (and shouldn’t) force anything, but you can’t accept just being brushed off.
Before getting into the title, you need to take a step back and be honest about your relationship. Are you compatible where it matters? Are there red flags you’ve brushed off? Are there issues that haven’t been addressed (outside of living together/children)? If there are negative answers here, then that should really be your focus.
But then getting to the title, while I realize you’re here for that reason, I don’t think you’re taking it seriously enough. He didn’t say “yes, but it was a joke.” He said “yes, but you weren’t supposed to see it.”
Seems like you’re wasting your time here. I think you know that to be the case. Good luck.