I feel broken

6 comments

1. Nothing is wrong with you, you aren’t broken. You’re both doing fine, especially since it seems you both communicate well. I would recommend more foreplay to help with the pain on entry, something to get you more loosened up as it were. Maybe include lubes just to see if that makes difference. As for the orgasm, have you tried possibly looking into toys?

2. I relate a lot, this is what things felt like to me when I was younger. So I’m here to say that it absolutely can get better.

   For the orgasm thing, I wasn’t able to for a long time. Even when by myself when I was trying to make it happen it wouldn’t. Eventually it happened when I was by myself, relaxed, and not thinking about it. I highly recommend spending some time by yourself, getting to know yourself. It’s hard to help him help you if you haven’t done that before. Once I was able to by myself, it still took a while to be able to with a partner. Same advice for with a partner though, relax and have fun and don’t think to hard about orgasm specifically.

   As for the pain during sex, especially during penetration and after, I had the exact same thing. For me it got a little better with time and learning to manage it and foreplay, but the thing that actually helped me was pelvic floor therapy. I really recommend checking out r/vaginismus. Many of the people there have a more severe situation going on, but the base problem is same, and so are the techniques they use. There’s a bunch of people there that post detailed explanations of what’s going on with them, the instructions their pelvic floor therapists gave them, and what’s helped them. You’re not broken. There’s a whole community of people with the same problems. Having done the exact same things as them at therapy, and having had painless and way more enjoyable sex since then, it gets better.

3. Umm 🤔 maybe try foreplay

4. i wasn’t able to have an orgasm during sex for about 4 years, and i still struggle with it. this is very normal; not very many afab people have an orgasm every single time they have sex. in terms of the pain, try bringing it up at your next gynecologist appointment. it’s a very common issue and they may have advice to help. lube is often overlooked but can be very helpful. in terms of masturbating, you don’t really need to be super informed, but it can be illuminating as to what will help you orgasm during sex. just try touching and see what feels good, it doesn’t have to be some big thing.

5. Have you tried lots of different positions? Have you talked to your gyno about it? I had pain during sex for a LONG time. My husband was the first person to give me an orgasm, I never really masturbated either. I found out quite a bit later a few things:
   1.) I’m allergic to latex (2.) Even though I was very much into it, I wasn’t actually that wet, so it was going in too soon and I needed more of a warm up. (3.) I have a short vaginal canal (or how my dr said it “your cervix is very close” while hold her hand up to her face, like the distance how far away it was from her nose). (4.) I tend to clench up because I’m anxious/nervous. Had another dr put his finger towards the back of my vaginal opening & go “I need you to relax this muscle so I don’t hurt you inserting the speculum”.

   So we had to try some lube or extra foreplay, and different positions so he couldn’t go as deep & hit my cervix. Being on top gives me more control, it’s pretty much the only way we do it now because it’s the only way I orgasm & he can finish doing just about any position. I also had to sort of learn how to relax & unclench that muscle I was subconsciously clenching. If I hadn’t talked to my doctors about it, I might still be having very painful sex. It still hurts sometimes but it’s so rare now.

6. 1. You are not broken. At your age for myself (over 30 years ago – yikes) PIV sex could be uncomfortable. For me, I honestly think it was a combo of a lack of lube, having to be broken in a little, and possibly always being on the cusp of some sort of vaginal infection (like yeast or bv). One of the best gifts you can give yourself at your young age is to do a little research, and learn get confident and unapologetic when talking to your doctor (family or gynecologist) especially when discussing pain or discomfort. Also be very gentle when washing. No need to penetrate your own vagina when washing. Surrounding area yes, but use just water or something very mild like baby body wash. Soaps can dry out and make the skin more prone to infection.
   2. Remember that orgasm has a huge psychological component. Like HUGE. So you need to park the expectation for a bit. As you get more comfortable, try more things and learn to lose yourself in stimulating thought and fantasy. It’s like watching and waiting for a pot of water to boil. It feels like it takes forever. Don’t watch out or wait on orgasm. Just do what feels good. At your age, my doc literally said to me “ I don’t care if he uses his toes, nose, whatever, you should be getting pleasure”. I don’t think he meant orgasm specifically though. He just wanted to make sure I was doing it for me. So be playful and have fun. I would venture to say that sex is still good even if you don’t orgasm. It’s better when you do lol, but the closeness, giving pleasure, receiving pleasure even if it’s not to the point of orgasm is still good. Let the bf know that. He might need to hear that to take the pressure off himself and you. And the more you mature, and practice and learn to let go, the better your batting average gets. If you give yourself this time to live and learn, it will come (pardon the pun).
   3. Stay safe, protect yourself. Keep up with the communication. Don’t rush things.