I posted this in the dead bedroom sub but thought it would be of interest here too.
I just returned from a four week vacation in Europe with my best friend and her husband. I was definitely the third wheel, but my husband and I are on the verge of separation (deadbedroom issues among others) and my friend insisted I come with them, because a trip like this would be great to clear my head and reset.
She was definitely right. I felt like being up close (we camped together, shared hotel rooms, etc) with a healthy married couple changed everything I thought about marriage. They are friends first, and actually care about each others well being constantly. The dynamic between two people who clearly are on the same wavelength is amazing. They were just generally courteous and loving and affectionate and WANTED to be around each other.
My conclusion is that a deadbedroom really isn’t about sex at all, on some level.
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Deadbedrooms are about when the passion and the intimacy die in a relationship and you are left with commitment the only thing left holding it together. Check out love theory about that idea
Love and like are two different things and each can exist without the other. It’s vital that you both love AND like your spouse
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If you don’t mind me asking, what is the not sex part that is broken in your marriage? Is it just the friendly caring attitude you described or is there something particular?
>*”My conclusion is that a deadbedroom really isn’t about sex at all”*
I think you hit the nail on the head, at least in most cases.
My wife and I have experienced a DB a few times during the course of our marriage. Maybe a combined five years out of 25. In our case, most of our issues were medical. However, even during those dry spells, we always maintained an amazing relationship.
It should also be noted that during those periods, we were both workng to remedy the situation. So many of the stories you read about it seems like only one partner is putting in the work.
What are some other qualities of relating and connecting that you noticed, that either you want in you relationship or would be important to share with the group? Thanks for sharing.
Dead bedroom is often just a symptom of a much larger issue (or issues) at play imo.
> My conclusion is that a deadbedroom really isn’t about sex at all, on some level.
Yes! 100%
it took way too long for me to learn this lesson, the hard way. Love, trust, intimacy, friendship, all of these things inevitably lead to great sex. All of these things come together to become the magic, the “spark”, the cosmic glue that holds a marriage together. Deadbedrooms are a consequence of the lack of those things.
I would agree. I think essentially what a dead bedroom is, is a disconnect in a relationship with one person or both. Someone is checked out or resentful. If you don’t have some level of care for the other person and their well being and needs, the disconnect just grows.
My husband and I are very observant people and will both notice when we are around other couples how they interact with each other. We take those observations and use them to springboard a conversation about our marriage, and our behaviors and wants for our relationship. Like for example we have noticed not a lot of couples show physical affection while out in public. While I understand not everyone is as comfortable with physical touch or pda, we have found that something as simple as holding hands while walking in to a store can be a huge mood lifter and encourage romance. We are also big on saying I love you to each other when we feel like it and have no qualms about saying it around people. We don’t make a big spectacle but just a quick I love you is no big deal. But we don’t really ever notice that in other couples behavior. It’s the little things we have found, like asking if my husband needs anything if I get up, that add up to an overall mindset of care that we both stick to throughout whatever life throws at us. That mindset is what keeps us grounded and centered on us and the fact we are a team.
When you have a spouse that is your absolute best friend, complete opposite, friend who loves to fuck you, and your both attracted to each other, it’s really the very thing every person dreams of. And when you have it, it’s not until 20 years together do you truly truly appreciate it…. and it gets better after 15-20-25 years. Yes the sex gets better…..
A good marriage requires both love and respect. Kindness, patience, and caring about each other’s well-being is critical. Counseling can help you both understand this, along with how to communicate without every discussion turning into a fight.
My husband and I talk about these things all the time. We genuinely like each other – I honestly think he’s the best person I’ve ever known. We are best friends lovers caregivers parents advisors as well as husband and wife. Above all we truly believe that we are soulmates. There is nothing more important to either of us than the other person.
We’ve been through so much together over 25 years – ups, downs, wins, losses, infertility, unbelievable happiness, tremendous losses and sadness, pain, financial hardship, career changes, raising kids, many and horrible health issues. The one constant throughout all of it – we love each other more than anything and truly appreciate, value and enjoy every aspect of each other and treasure every single moment together.
All these years later – he’s still my most favorite person the whole entire world.
Is he a narcissist
Wow. Thank you for sharing this. I screenshotted it. Gives me hope.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 You’ve definitely touched on some fundamental truth, here.
I’m glad you have a healthy example in your friend, and I’m glad you went on the trip and got some reset. Sounds like it was helpful!
Of course it’s not. Intimacy doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s so weird how people try to lie to themselves “Everything is perfect except for this” and by perfect, they mean low-conflict because no connection or communication. I get it, though. Some of us never had that healthy frame of reference for what a loving relationship is and all that it encompasses. Then we actually see it, like you did with your friends, and it’s paradigm-shifting. I’ve had that moment too.
>a deadbedroom really isn’t about sex at all, on some level.
Absolutely true.
A healthy marriage requires 2 partners with healthy mental, emotional and communication skills. It’s something to work on everyday. Even when you know your partner where you can complete their thoughts – don’t do this by the way.
One huge problem is that sometimes we start treating our partners worst than we treat strangers. We should treat our partners better than any stranger.
>a deadbedroom really isn’t about sex at all, on some level.
Absolutely true.
A healthy marriage requires 2 partners with healthy mental, emotional and communication skills. It’s something to work on everyday. Even when you know your partner where you can complete their thoughts – don’t do this by the way.
One huge problem is that sometimes we start treating our partners worst than we treat strangers. We should treat our partners better than any stranger.
A big reason I’m attracted to my wife isn’t just her looks (she’s gorgeous and I find myself staring at her multiple times a day), but more so how we connect on both a personal/emotional level and a lifestyle level. She knows what makes me upset/happy and goes out of her way to mitigate/support whatever the issue is. Our emotional availability and needs are much different, yet I feel like we’re one in the same whenever we go anywhere together (and we really do go everywhere together). We’re best friends that love to travel together and text each other constantly anytime we’re apart for more than an hour. Happiness comes in a variety of ways, but there’s something truly special about feeling that deep connection and safety. When I’m looking into her eyes in the bedroom, I see all of that and more. That being said, I usually don’t last long 😂
Aww what good friends!
I recall as a newlywed, another newly married coworker told me that she could see that we were really good together and I didn’t understand what she meant by that. I can see now that we just are always courteous to each other and genuinely care about how the other one is doing. We’ve always spoken to one another with respect so I guess this is what she was talking about.