I really like this guy. And I know he likes me too. However I feel like I’m hiding so much from him. I don’t need to hear any bullshit about how he “likes me for me” and if he can’t handle me he’s not the one. He has a perfect family with Ivy League parents and he just finished an internship at Georgetown. He plays lacrosse and he’s super sweet and different and caring and sensitive.
But I hide so much. First off – I have no friends. He knows this (we’ve never talked about it but he should get that vibe). He was in one of my classes this past year so he knows I’m a pretty talkative and bubbly person. However I can’t hold onto friends because my mind is always fucking somewhere else usually from home life problems. Anyways, my arm. How the fuck am I going to explain my arm to him? It’s not like I can just hide it. It’s there. It’s summer. He wants to take me on a date and I don’t want to explain that to him. There’s no excuse that can cover it up. He has no idea I’ve been to the psych ward twice and Newport. I’ve lied and covered it up saying that the reason I’ve missed so much school was for some random illness. God I’m full of shit aren’t I. Im so fucking full of shit. And the worst part is when I start to feel inadequate I feel like the only thing I can offer is sexual favors which has been the case in every fucking relationship I’ve been in. He wants to come over tonight (we can’t go to his house), and I really don’t want him to. Because just being in my house is a trigger, and with that trigger of hopeless I know this “hang out” will be overly sexual. I’m disgusted at myself. His ex girlfriend is like super popular. I used to be pretty popular before I got depressed. God I fucking hate my family. I just want to die. I hate everything. I feel like I can’t fix this and I don’t think I can have this relationship with him. He has been a great friend and I want to preserve that , not ruin it with an intimate relationship.
This is how it is with all relationships. Even friendships. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to let people into my dreadful life.
TL;DR : the guy I like has no idea about my multiple psych ward visits, self harm, abusive home life, etc, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to talk about it with him
1 comment
First of all, nobody has a perfect family and the Ivy League/Georgetown doesn’t mean anything except for money and good grades. That’s it. I know a few people who went to those schools who were the biggest freaks of all time. Lacrosse as well- being athletic isn’t a sign of anything but being athletic. I don’t know this person at all so I can’t comment on his character but it’s not helping either of you to put him on a pedestal for things that have nothing to do with who he is as a person.
You don’t owe explanations about your home life or your mental health to anybody. That’s your business and only you get to decide if and when you want to share it. But these issues aren’t uncommon and they don’t make you a monster or undeserving of love. They just make you a person. A lot of people are ignorant about self-harm but a lot of people also get it and won’t judge you. My best friend had to be hospitalized for self harm in high school and still has very visible scars but she’s had great relationships with awesome dudes who love her for who she is. It’s not a hopeless situation at all.
If you’re not ready to be in a relationship right now, whether it’s in general or just because this particular guy is unknowingly triggering a shame response in you, that’s okay! You don’t have to date him even if he’s perfect. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You’re the one who calls the shots on your life. I just want you to know that the feelings of hopelessness will pass and you have nothing to be ashamed of.