I’m 24F and I’m autistic so I often say things literally and understand them literally. No subcontext.
Sometimes I want to get some information on something and ask a question, but instead of getting an explaination, I get people getting mad at me for some reason. I guess I kinda understand this is about four-channel communication model by Von Thun, but even though I understand the mechanism, I don’t know what should I do to avoid these pointless conflicts. đ
Example\*:
^(\*It didn’t happen, but my mind went blank and I can’t remember any situation now lol. It follows the scheme though, which I’ll explain later.)
Me: Why are you peeling the garlic before putting it in a press?
Person: How am I supposed to press it with the peel on?
Me: Just put it in the press and push.
Person: Stop acting like you are a know-it-all, you’re not as smart as you think!
Scheme:
Me: Asking a question and meaning literally what I say, so in this case I’m expecting to learn something about this person, their preferences, maybe some cooking trick, something like “Because I like peeling the cloves, it’s relaxing”, “Because I don’t like the sound it makes when you crush it with the peel on”, “Because I’ve heard crushing it with the peel may make it taste bitter”, or even “Hm, I don’t know, my mom always peels it so I learned it from her, never gave it a second thought”.
Person: Answers with a question – becomes defensive, but I don’t see it at the moment.
Me: Answers the question because I thought they also want to get information
Person: Says something mean to me. At this point I’d most likely understand that their question wasn’t because they wanted to know the answer.
I understand why people can become defensive. I say “Why are you peeling the garlic?” and they “hear” something like “Ha, you stupid moron, I know a better way to do this thing and now I’ll play with you to embarass you mwahahaha”. They feel attacked so they start defensing themselves. But the attack didn’t happen, it wasn’t my intention, it was something that they created in their mind. They’re fighting something that isn’t there, then blaming me for attacking them or being (insert some mean word here).
How can I avoid this kind of situations and actually learn about people’s reasons, preferences etc without making them feel attacked?
5 comments
Rephrase your questions to put yourself at fault. Nobody likes to be at fault. For example ” can you tell me why you are pressing the garlic? I have always been curious why people do it this way.”
In the above situation your question implied fault. It was not merely a question, it was a question that would only be asked because you doubted the person you were speaking to.
The person correctly identified that you were asking why they were doing something a certain way because you believed they were doing it wrong, then you confirmed their suspicions by accusing them of being wrong. This was felt by them as an attack, as criticism almost always is. I doubt you enjoy when others say you are wrong. Are you going to admit fault here and now and change? Of course not. But understand that if you question why someone is doing something they will understand that you are preparing to criticize and they will not appreciate your criticism.
If you want to socially interact with others in a peaceful way you need to avoid criticizing others both directly and by implication. If you think they are doing something wrong, just let them be wrong about it unless someone is in danger. You don’t need to go around trying to correct everyone, and doing so will drive others away from you. Some humility will go a long way in this: just because you feel right does not mean that you are right.
There are sometimes ways of approaching others with advise that can make them feel loved and cared for instead of attacked, but it requires a gentle touch and a mature theory of mind. If you can make it your goal to understand and respect others on their own terms you may come to understand why they react as they do and so know what and how to approach with criticism.
For now, though, just do not say things which would imply they are doing something wrong unless they are actively threatening the welfare of themselves or others. No one will be hurt by them peeling the garlic, for example, so just let them peel garlic. Later if can model a better garlic method and then if they ask you why you’re doing it that way you can explain if you want want.
People sometimes find being blunt rude which is kind of what it seemed in the example
It can sound hostile when the question is so blunt because it has a more serious feeling to the question which can be taken in very different ways
Some people like to break down sentences so instead of asking the question so bluntly they would instead say why are you doing âthatâ or why âthis that wayâ or âwhy that this wayâ people who are used to hearing it that way can find blunt questions offensive or rude or toned though anyone can find anyway of asking offensive if they spot a tone
Anyways if thatâs the way you have always phrased questions then thereâs no point in changing it so a few people wonât get mad sometimes there is just misunderstandings and if they take offense you can just apologize if you really want though itâs not really needed as you wouldnât be of fault
Let people know how literal you are, and that your asking that way. Then they know your intent and motivation in the way you ask. Iâm not autistic but Iâm super literal, so I am just up front. I say Iâm not questioning how you do it Iâm trying to understand and learn. People are usually pretty good if your honest about it.
So, a trick you can do with things like this is to try to rephrase questions in I-language, even things that aren’t really centered around emotions. There is research that suggests that people tend to perceive sentences that use “I” as warmer and less threatening. Even if the question you’re asking doesn’t involve you, sometimes tying an I-statement (or we-statement) to it can soften the effect of the language a *lot.*
Also, cooking is an odd topic in that, if you’re not careful about how you ask questions, people will think you’re judging them. This is common for lots of skill-based things (where there’s pressure to do better) or things that involve subjective judgment like art or writing. When handling topics like these, it’s especially important to position yourself in as non-accusational of a way as possible when asking questions, especially anything involving someone’s personal technique or method.
The easiest way to do that is often by asking things in a way that makes it clear that you are interested in learning and not attempting to criticize. To do this, make sure to give the person you’re talking to an opportunity to share knowledge about their skills with you when you’re finished speaking.
For your garlic example, there’s a lot of ways you could go about this:
* Hey, why do we have to peel the garlic before we put it in the press? Do you know?
* Hey, question: my mom never peeled the garlic whenever she used a garlic press. Does it work better if you do?
…and so on. I think you probably get the idea I’m going for here.
I don’t know if any of this is helpful or not (and this feels like kind of a mess because I’m writing it on my phone), but I hope I’m making sense here. If I’m not, please ask me to clarify and I’ll do the best I can.
Good luck!