As the title says. I’ve been only with one person ever in my life and we met when I was 20 and he was 29 and I was just finishing up college. I’ve “been in relationship” with girls but that was because I was hiding who I truly was (gay obviously). Anyways, I owe him so much, if it wasn’t for him I don’t know if I’d be at my current company with possibilities of moving up. It gets complicated so bare with me please. Also we are not married, and never lived in a state with common marriage. It was like we were married and shared everything.
When I was graduating, I was a shy person could barely speak to random people, would be too afraid. But he encouraged me to believe in myself and go to the college fair to look for a job. It also helped he gave me some klonopin (before realizing I needed my own RX for my own anxieties social and just all around). Well there I met my future employer who I worked for 11 years with. I grew as much as I could at that company because it was small and I had no much more room to grow.
Then the pandemic hit, I still had my job but our relationship barely survived. For multiple reasons:
Over the pandemic I started smoking (bad habit) and tried quitting. The pandemic freaked me out and I coped the wrong way. He caught me twice and it didn’t go well. But after the second time I quit.
We tried to get out of the house a year after the pandemic started and started traveling again after being vaccinated. We went on a trip to Mexico and he stayed a week later as I had to get back to work. I can’t remember the timeline but he went back to Mexico and that’s when I found out he cheated on me. I don’t know to what extent, but I know emotionally at least.
He apologized and I forgave him. But he still couldn’t deal with being home. Mostly my fault, as we bought a house (pre-pandemic) and it was somewhat in the middle of nowhere. To cope he then started traveling to another country. After a while I knew I was no longer happy at my company. It is small 60ish employees and I wasn’t going to go up anytime soon if at all.
We both weren’t happy and decided I should find a new job. He encouraged me as he knew I wasn’t happy and knew I needed I change (I don’t like change so I would have stayed unhappy where I was). I found that new company, in another state on the other side with a much bigger company of 30k+ employees. We sold our house, moved and I’ve been here 2-3 months but have already proven to higher ups I can take on major responsibilities and handle them. So I’m not worried about my job here and I know I will be able to movie up.
Well I found out my partner was still talking to that same person from 1 year – 1.5 years ago. I did some digging and learned he’s been seeing him. I guess I didn’t really confront him before when I had a feeling because I can’t get it out of my head “sunk cost fallacy”. I didn’t want the 13 years that we’ve been together to be for nothing. We traveled to Europe, South America and was planning a trip to Asia. We gone one a dozen or more international trips that have been amazing.
Anyways, last night I confronted him after I found out he saw him really recently. Even though when he goes somewhere he always brings me back something so he is still thinking about me someway. But I confronted him that we haven’t been intimate in 1.5 years (and in the back of my head I think it’s cause of this other other guy). It turned nasty and he left.
As I said before we had everything joint at this time. Both cars are leased in his name and we are renting. We are both on my health insurance. I’ve trusted him with the finances (and obviously it was a mistake). I tried to tell him I’ll keep paying for the car I use, but that’s a no go. And now I need to get a new bank account and a new cell phone provider as we had a joint account and I was on his cell phone provider. I haven’t thought about my credit score and I know with the way buying cars, especially used cars, is not easy. I had no trouble paying both lease payments on his car and mine. He was laid off at the time of the pandemic and was going to look for a job once we had settled. Because we were going to buy a house and restart our relationship, or so I thought.
But I keep going back to sunk cost fallacy. I’m 33, and it was a fluke finding him without going out on any other dates as he was the first. I’m afraid of dating, I’m terrified of starting over again. I had many “quirks” and he understood and knew that.
13 years of my life with someone I love more than anything and one evening it was finished. I should be figuring out the above with finances and getting a car, a cell phone, car insurance, new bank account, what credit cards or debits I have (if any, other than student loans) but I’m worried about him, where he’s going to end up going and if he’s going to be okay.
Should I try and reconcile with him and work it out? I’m terrified I won’t find someone who can put up with my anxieties. Im terrified of what comes next in life. What if he tries to open credit cards in my name or something that could hurt me financially? His name is on the rental agreement but he left, and said I won’t be seeing him again. He left everything here, except his electronic devices.
I don’t have many people. My parents live close by as does my younger brother and his girlfriend. But I can’t tell them all this, we’ve only been closer because of my partner. I don’t have friends as that’s an issues I’ve dealt with since being bullied in middle school. I have colleagues who have invited me out but I can’t go to them either. I feel like I’m drowning and don’t know how to swim, because I’ve relied on him for everything. Also I have a Jewish mother, so I know she’ll try and save me, but she can be over bearing and try and drown me instead of saving me.
TL;DR: Sunk Cost Fallacy for a 13 year relationship.
2 comments
You can tell your parents and your kid brother and his girlfriend. Being vulnerable is super fucking scary, I’ll grant you that, but it’s the only way to ask for help.
As for the ex: his problems are his problems, not yours.
As for the practical stuff:
Put a freeze on your credit with the major bureaus: this will stop the opening of new accounts. Get a copy of your credit report. Close out any joint accounts. If you are an authorized user on any of his accounts, contact the creditors to remove yourself as an auth user. Consider some credit monitoring service for the short term future.
Contact your landlord to update your lease.
Make an attempt to return any property that is his (e.g. contact a friend or family of his), but give a firm deadline — e.g. “Everything is boxed up. If you don’t pick it up by September 15th, it’s all being donated or trashed.”
For the personal stuff:
You’ll be fine. Yes, at first you’ll be lonely. You’ll miss the certainty of “at least he’ll be there to watch Better Call Saul with me.” But then you’ll start dating again. And you’ll get all worried that you’re too weird for someone else, and you’ll have some bad dates and some good dates that turn into fizzled non-relationships, but then you’ll find what makes you happy.
If you haven’t done STD testing in a while, highly recommend. Sounds like you have no idea who he has potentially been with, and what he might have brought back to your door.