I am not that sexually confident yet. As a guy, i feel like i have to be in control more often than not, but i keep running into thinking “Is it alright if i do this now?” which is not letting me be as immersed as i could be. There’s also the possibility that asking will ruin the spontaneity.
But then i thought, maybe i can ask before doing something in a dirty talk kinda way. It doesn’t have to be asked like it’s a business meeting.
But i am coming up short on how to do this, what to say.
I was wondering if someone could give me any tips.
3 comments
Maybe try sexting
Honestly, like most things sex, it’s all about your partner. What works for some may not for others. I’ve found its best to just ask. It doesn’t have to be “I’m about to eat that ass like sushi!” or “Would some copulation be appealing to you this evening?”
Be up front. “Would you like some head?” Suggest swapping positions a few times to see what works for the both of you. Ask them what they like. If talking about things during sex is so disruptive then there is probably some anxiety that needs addressed.
Dirty talk is fine for some but when you’re learning someone else initially, unless explicitly stated, probably best to leave it until later. Learn your partner.
If you’re worried about ruining the moment, or not being fully in the moment due to wondering & worrying, try a conversation before getting down to business?
Maybe through texting, or when you’re making out/things start getting heated. You could try saying something like “I really want to hear about some things you like/want/desire” & then you could follow with “I always want to make sure you’re comfortable, & I think I’d be more comfortable if I knew what you definitely DON’T like & don’t want, what’s off the table”. If your partner is inexperienced & maybe doesn’t know everything they like or don’t like yet, you’ll just have to communicate & figure out boundaries & exploration together.
I don’t know much about the kink community, but I recently learned about the color system & it honestly makes a lot of sense. Maybe you could look into that & try implementing it with your partner. Apparently looking to the kink community can be extremely helpful for learning about good communication & consent, I’ve heard this mentioned a lot before but only just barely started scratching the surface because I never thought of myself as kinky but that community is really onto something when it comes to communication. I already see where I just wish I had known some of this sooner, & really wish that more young men knew so much more about healthy communication & consent. Quite honestly, when I was younger, I was a bit traumatized by some guys just doing things without asking or communicating. It’s so good that you want to work on this!! Thank you for caring. Personally, I would MUCH rather a guy ask than just do something if he’s unsure how I’ll feel about it. Wouldn’t you rather ask than unintentionally cross someone’s boundaries, make them uncomfortable, or even traumatize them? Communication is so important! It’s probably better to communicate before getting all into it, but I know sometimes that’s just not how it goes, & your idea of turning the questions/asking for consent/checking in about boundaries in a way that’s like dirty talk is not a bad idea. I can’t really give you advice on how to do that exactly but I know I’ve heard kink friendly people mention different ways to go about it & how to make asking for consent sexy. I hope you find some great ideas.