We live in Singapore. I am 22F and my boyfriend is 23M. We’ve been dating for 3 years. We’ve discussed about our intended life plans. Life plans consisted of going for a part time degree while working full time. Somewhere in that few years, about 2026, we plan on getting married. This was our plan we mutually agreed on during the entirety of our 3 years.
We have discussed our deal breakers before. One of mine is having to go through Long Distance Relationship. It was acknowledged by him.
Recently, specifically on National Girlfriend Day (just 2 weeks ago), he threw a bomb on me saying that he will be studying abroad and migrating to Australia.
He mentioned that he will marry me as soon as his degree finishes in two years and bring me there.
Thing is, I had zero intentions on migrating. Whatever I’m doing right now is building up for the life plan we mutually agreed on. I would like to get my degree and pursue what I wanted to do.
He mentioned that this new plan was something that was introduced by his mother recently. She has been wanting to migrate to Australia since 2017 but only made her research and planning late July 2022. She is also pushing him to be in Australia as they quoted that life would be so much better there.
I am furious with his mum and my boyfriend. I feel defeated. It feels like he bailed on our plan for a supposedly better life there. I don’t feel respected as he was pushing me to compromise on my deal breaker. It’s not fair for me to give in as I’ve notified him on my views.
I have informed him that I am not willing to support him on his migration. It was a last minute plan and not well thought of.
He stated that couples should support each other no matter what. I told him not to give me that because it’s not true. Couples should respect each other’s boundaries.
My mother has clearly stated that he’s gonna have to choose between me or Australia. I honestly don’t want him to give up what he wants, but his Australia plan is unrealistic. There’s a lot of finance involved and I honestly don’t think they can handle it.
I have considered leaving because I don’t want to be forced into anything. He told me to stay and try to plan things since nothing is decided. But i feel like in any decision we come to, there’s a big compromise and it could definitely lead to resentment.
My parents would like to meet him this weekend. I have my points written up. I really need help coming up with questions to ask him. How do I move forward? I’m conflicted. It feels like there’s no other way around this.
Td;lr – We’ve been dating for 3 years and is looking to get married. We have a life plan set out which we mutually agreed on. 2 weeks ago, he suddenly made the decision to migrate. I feel betrayed since ldr was a deal breaker for me.
3 comments
This sounds like the end of the relationship.
No list of points is going to really change his mind. Even though you both agreed on things, it doesnt always stay that way. Thats just how life works unfortunately. Everything is pretty fluid.
>My mother has clearly stated that he’s gonna have to choose between me or Australia. I honestly don’t want him to give up what he wants, but his Australia plan is unrealistic. There’s a lot of finance involved and I honestly don’t think they can handle it.
Whether its unrealistic or not isnt really your problem if thats what he’s decided to do. People will do what they want to do, in the end. That goes for everything.
You’re both in your early 20s, you dont really know what you want yet. And that is evidenced by his actions.
Could he have been more open with you and planned it more carefully? Sure. But he didnt. So you kind of know where his heads at. He had his mind made up.
It hurts, but this is how relationships go. Sometimes it has an expiration date.
>He stated that couples should support each other no matter what.
Your BF is too immature to build a life with, and too easily bullied by his mother. Your feelings are valid: This was a betrayal. He didn’t mean *couples should support each other*. Supporting each other as a couple would have meant including you in the decision-making, and letting his choices with you, inform how he treats his mother’s wishes. He meant sons should cater to their mothers, and wives should follow quietly. You should be terrified by his behavior here.
Honestly, I’d suggest you not try to battle his mother on whether or not Australia is a good idea. You will probably lose that fight, because she’s been plotting behind your back for quite some time and clearly has an unhealthy degree of power over him.
Instead, meet him without your parents, and tell him plainly that the way he handled this is completely inappropriate and unacceptable. If he wanted to change plans, he needed to come to you to discuss that, not discuss it with his mother and this dictate it to you. If his mother has more input into *your* marriage and *your* life with him than you do, then you cannot possibly marry him and it’s time to part ways.
Put aside your questions and make a clear statement: The way he has behaved so far is wrong and it means the end of the relationship unless he apologizes and immediately changes his behavior. He has broken trust with you in a way that will not be quickly repaired. If he continues to make moves to migrate, this relationship is over.
I’m sorry. It is very sad, but you need to focus on communicating your boundaries clearly and your expectations. Don’t get dragged into the question of whether migrating is reasonable, even if it was the way he handled this topic was a major betrayal. You don’t need to ask him questions. You need to tell him to do better, immediately, or GTFO.
The best compromise i can think of right now is to do the degree in Singapore then migrate to Australia for work.
This way he stays in Singapore then take you with him to Australia for work.