I feel like the majority of the posts about feeling stuck and depressed I see on reddit, on the askmen forum, the getdiscplined, etc. Are all posts that REALLY reasonate with me…. until I see that 99% of the time the poster is 16-18 years old.
Here I am at 30, and not much has changed. I have a career that pays well, but beyond that I don’t have much. Dated a lot in my 20’s, now sitting at 30 and feel unmotivated to date, pursue my career further, etc. I’ve lost touch with any of my hobbies, my friends, etc. I mostly just sit around and try not to drink but end up drinking alone every night to curb the misery.
Spoken to therapists, psychologists, probably 5 in the past 2 years, and no one can really figure out what’s wrong with me, even with meds.
Anyone else NOT a teenager and feel like a depressed 16. year old? Because the fact that I’m 30, and I see everyone else my age with kids and progression, it fucking kills me, and I don’t mean to play the victim card, I just REALLY don’t know how to get out of it.
37 comments
Abso-fucking-lutely. Let’s see…
— Never dated and likely to die alone? Check.
— Afraid of moving out and not sure what the hell I’d do in an apartment by myself? Check.
— Work 10 hour days and then spend the weekends alone doing nothing, typically laying in bed from morning to night? Check.
— Feeling hopeless with the clock running down and knowing I need to do *something* but unsure what that is, if I have the courage to do it, and if it’ll work out in the end? Check.
I feel like early thirties is such a strange place in life. You’re too old to be young and too young to be old. You’ve just missed the fun, relaxed years of easy opportunity and haven’t settled firmly into the incessant grind of middle age.
Friends, if you’re lucky enough to have them, are starting families and focusing on their careers. Dating, from what I hear, becomes more difficult as people get serious about partners and their future.
Life narrows and deepens. You suddenly find yourself burdened by a past you never had to contend with before. It’s like clay that’s now finally starting to harden whether you’re ready or not.
It can be a very lonely and difficult place. But thankfully it ends way one or another.
Eh I don’t think you’re alone. 35 get told I have no motivation/ambition don’t want a wife or kids due to mental health and well world issues. I could probably do more but at a time like this who wants to? I will say I don’t drink but smoke a lot of marijuana so I kinda get where you are coming from and I will say daily drinking, marijuana, or drug use is unhealthy.
I’m 46, and I relate. Full disclosure, I have some intense SPMI diagnoses, but that isn’t going to apply to what I say to you.
First, we need to recognize that the pandemic is creating societies of trauma surviors. This is a massively traumatic event that just keeps going and going. And humans respond to trauma in many different ways, including depression and shutting down.
Second, 30 is a milestone. You’re no long seen as a young adult, and you’re not an old adult… you’re sort of in the middle of things. Socially, you dont have a particular niche anymore. That can be bewildering and confusing.
Third, you’re starting to see the way society works, and you’re re-evaluating you current goals and values, and seeing if your values match up with the ones you were raised with and that society tells you to have.
Also, please don’t start from the point of view that there’s something wrong with you.l, and that there’s something to “fix”. You’re fine, and you’re also in a very difficult time, both are true at the same time.
I hope this helps in some small way.
You are not alone.
Hello, I am doing therapy due to depression. Something very simple that you can start to do is strengthen your legs. Help bear all the load you have on your head. My psychiatrist gave me some Very simple exercises, to strengthen my legs a little, take me 10 minutes a day. It’s amazing how much 10 minutes of exercise can help. I just wanted to give you this advice because it is very simple and is a first step to feeling better.
Definitely, I’ve felt like that many times. It’s like a mini mid life crisis. Unfortunately there is no cure-all solution as far as I know.
The one thing that has helped me: Goals. Goals. Goals. It doesn’t matter if it’s something as small as fixing your garage door, or waxing your car. To something as big as going to the gym, paying off debts, and upgrading your lifestyle. You need to occupy your mind and body.
As long as it’s something you can alter and control. Don’t set a goal that is out of your control, like getting married or having children.
But you aren’t alone, I think a LOT of men in their 30s can resonate with that feeling. But there are ways out.
One last unpopular possible cure: Religion. I know it gets frowned upon these days, and I won’t try to convert you. I used to be a staunch Atheist. But a good Church has helped me out in the past to find purpose and a community.
I think thats why a lot of people choose religion in their lives, not because of a God. But because it gives them a sense of moving forward with a higher purpose..even if it’s just psychological, it can help sometimes.
Your post 100% describes my current predicament at 30. You’re definitely not alone!
dude.. i just turned 38 yesterday.
never found a career, just work jobs to pay bills. no wife/GF as i just cant be bothered looking. my hobbies were hanging out with friends but thats basically dried up now that all my friends have kids etc. smoking weed and videogames filled the gap for awhile but now i cant be bothered to play anything.
you arent alone by a long shot
Ever since this pandemic happened, I have been depressed and in general feeling lonely. I have totally forgotten who I was last year or the year before that. Contemplated suicide a few times and felt nothing towards work. Actually, I didn’t even want to work. I felt like a robot. Right after the lockdown ended in New Zealand, I tried getting up early and training. This didn’t help and in general made me more depressed.
I am slowly getting back to normal, but my mental state as not made me work well at all.
Is there any other way to feel?
Married, kids, steady job, house. Every day grinds into the next.
Bruh how did you get a well paying job if you haven’t changed? Haven’t professionally developed?
I’m in a similar yet inverse boat,, but you can bet your boots I’ve got a list of accomplishments the length of my are that still don’t outweigh all shit I’ve regressed at… If I ignore it.
It sounds like you don’t have anything on your list, even if there are things that deserve to go on it. What does your mom say?
Yeah, I’m there too. You more than likely have developmental issues or even a so called “attachment disorder” based on attachment theory, which is what I’m dealing with. I’m 36 and I’ve been through 8 therapists and what I’ve realized is this: I’m not in touch with myself or my emotions, and the mechanism of therapy is the client opens up emotionally and the therapist digs in. Well, what happens when someone doesn’t open up? Nothing. I’ve had two therapists cite this meta study in the 80’s that showed the techniques of a therapist don’t matter, only the relationship. This is because of the mechanism I mentioned, and therapists generally don’t see beyond this. With my current therapist with a PhD in psychology I have described a recently revelation about abandonment and brought her to the understanding I was trying to convey and she said “hmm yeah if we could do something about that.” WTF? It’s frustrating as hell, but it lines up: without you as a client opening up there is no therapy. They will not, from what I’ve seen, lead you into emotional territory.
What’s really insane is I’m good looking, I eat healthy and work out. Women want me, but they shut down after like 5 minutes of conversation. Fml
4 years ago at age 30, I would have said yes. I was obese. Sciatic pain from herniated disc. Walked with a huge limp. No car. No female companionship. Job that was having my chase a carrot on a stick. Addicted to Hearthstone, porn, and over eating. Wouldn’t open a book that didn’t have pictures.
Today, I see progress and I’m moving towards my goals. Lost around 75 lbs. I can finally do pullups for the first time in my life, workout daily and living with much less pain. I read regularly. I no longer play multiplayer video games. I’m married. I have a baby boy. I’m learning how to develop software. I have a job that has a career path.
My life isn’t perfect. I still have challenges that halt my progression and my goals, but it’s about not giving up, being productive, and trying to be a better person than I was yesterday.
**Warning: Incoming wall of text**
Yup. I’m 32 and been unemployed since late June. I had a job as a web developer and was laid off. Prior to that job I was unemployed for a year and a half. Now I’m unemployed and struggling to find another job. I spend all day applying for jobs, playing video games and sometimes I’ll go for the occasional bike ride.
Back in June I applied for unemployment and to this day I haven’t received a dime. I can’t get ahold of anyone on the lines. Certifying every week only to receive “claim not payable at this time” emails. I tried emailing, calling different offices and haven’t received a response from ANYONE AT ALL! Fortunately my folks are helping me out financially but I feel horrible and feel like a failed adult because of it.
As far as dating goes I’ve only dated two girls in college and haven’t had a girlfriend since. That was a decade ago. I’ve gone on dates afterwards but unfortunately none of them went anywhere. Tried mutual friends, going out (before covid) and online dating all to no avail. I get matches but trying to secure a date is a pain in the ass (at least for me). At the rate things are going I wouldn’t be surprised if I were single and lonely forever. I will continue to make efforts and I have some hope that things would change but to be honest I’m a bit pessimistic in that aspect.
I’d like to move out and live on my own again but I’m afraid I will become more lonely, depressed and suicidal again. Before my long period of unemployment I moved out for 3 years. My jobs were far away from home and I had no friends or family that lived in any of those places. Tried to meet people, make friends but unfortunately things didn’t work out. I know I have my flaws but so far life seems to be disappointment after disappointment. So much and so consistent that it’s taking a toll on me. The older I get the worse it feels.
Almost all my friends moved far away, are busy with their lives, have children, etc. Meanwhile I’m at home, can’t find a job and just barely have the motivation to exist. To top it off I suffer from severe ADHD and I’m on the autism spectrum. Talk about icing on the cake.
I feel like this world isn’t made for me. I feel like an alien from another planet. Although I’ve made consistent efforts to change and improve my life I still feel exhausted and burnt out. Every day I do my best to fix things, not make excuses, feel sorry for myself etc but I’m running out of steam and don’t know how long I’ll be able to continue. I think about suicide everyday and the only thing that’s stopping me from doing it is the fact that my parents would be devastated and I don’t want to hurt them.
Sure, I’ll be honest it was way worse when I drank. I quit drinking at 26 and things got increasingly better for me over the years. But even then, I still sometimes get feeling this way – even when I have tons of hobbies and things are going great, I still sometimes feel lost and depressed, unmotivated to even pursue the hobbies I have, etc.
But it passes, it always passes. Part of that is because I quit drinking. Back when I drank it never solved anything, just masked it.
Now, I am NOT suggesting that is necessarily the problem for you – I don’t know anymore about you than what you posted, and I know that might not be the issue in your case. It’s just my personal experience with these feelings.
But, yeah… I think since you mentioned you try not to drink it’s worth examining why you end up doing so, and maybe seeing if that’s something worth working on. r/stopdrinking is a good place if you feel like that’s something you’d like to do. If not, no worries and feel free to ignore most of this comment.
>now sitting at 30 and feel unmotivated to date, pursue my career further, etc. I’ve lost touch with any of my hobbies, my friends, etc. I mostly just sit around and try not to drink but end up drinking alone every night to curb the misery.
it’s not just a covid thing, right?
Also, some wisdom that was passed onto me as a teen: don’t drink alone. Drinking is a social thing
Drinking alone never led me anywhere positive
It mostly just became about drinking to pass time
All you’re doing is wasting time when you could be doing something closer to what might make you feel better, like hiking or learning some subject
We’re a generation of men raised by women. I’m wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.
~raises hand~
I’m in your situation too OP. 38, unmotivated, relatively high paying job that I struggle to keep but I’m.addicted to the money. No kids, I’ve had gf in the past but only long distance ones and I feel incredibly lonely.
Psychotherapy helped to a limited extent. Ayahuasca makes me feel alive in the weeks after the session but it quickly goes away.
Things that have been be more more effective are trauma focused therapies like Somatic Experiencing, Internal Family System, I have also a lot of hope in the MDMA solo therapy I’ve hopped on a few months ago.
That’s a weird question. Wait, are we *not* supposed to feel like that?
What’ve you done differently lately? Have you ever heard of Glasser’s needs research?
He believes there are 5, fun, worth, love, survival, freedom. Are all these needs being met in your life? Can you see any that may be lacking? How do you meet these needs currently? Is there anything you’d like to do differently after thinking about this? Some people like to add forgiveness to the list as well. “
“We can’t escape having needs. We will meet them, either positively and negatively we will get them met.” – Terry Flanagan
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Been a couple decades now waiting for life to get better before I get to start living.
I don’t have any words of advice, but can I just say that I can relate to a lot of what you shared (if not all of it) and I feel similarly. It’s like a lack of fulfillment and wanting a sense of purpose, and it’s a journey that I’m also struggling with. Thank you.
When’s the last time you’ve made yourself go for a walk? Don’t tell me it’s too hot or too cold. Go outside. Go to a park. Go to a nature trail. Have one incidental conversation or one hello with somebody you’ve seen out walking at the same time as you. Maybe you see somebody cute walking by. That’s *SOMETHING*.
Cook more meals at home. Are you working remotely? If not, bake some cookies or brownies and bring them in on Monday. Where’s your family? I don’t care how far away they are. What’s your vacation days situation?
When’s the last time you cracked up laughing? Find some podcasts and comedy specials. Stavros Halkias has helped me gain so much perspective, and he’s just a comedian.
What topics resonate with you? Do you want to learn a new language? Do you want to brew beer or do gardening? Can you make yourself do it or study for it 30 minutes a day?
Perhaps there’s a meetup for something casual like disc golf in your town. A bike riding group?
What if you owned a simple pet, like a cat or a bird? Both are fairly self-reliant and cleaning up after them is simpler than a dog!
So you have no friends? Guess what, mother lover. I am DMing you my Discord username. I’m a USian male in his early 30s, as are most of my friends. We meet up for Among Us 2 or 3 times a week, especially around the weekends. Sometimes we play other stuff. I’ll invite you and you can say we met playing Habbo Hotel or we used to work together at the Froots Smoothies shop 10 years ago. I’ve invited several friends in the same manner so it won’t even be weird.
If you’re a degenerate weeb, I happen to know a couple Discords where everyone reads too many doujins and reads too much twitter. You could find refuge there.
Taking steps towards a bright, full, interesting life is scary, but you have to allow yourself to say YES. Nothing else matters until you make yourself say it.
Yes, brother. 🙏
ALL THE TIME. You are certainly not alone. I think it really is just the times…plus I think it is just life man. Like, a lot of life just sucks…there are great times, but overall, the human mind just works like that. Just try to keep your head above water and find the good in all you can…but overall, it sucks.
My advice, force yourself to be active. Check out a band, brewery, hike, volunteer for a good cause. Seek out new music, ideas, or people.
I’ve found that when I allow myself to just hole up it compounds, and forcing myself to do anything instantly makes it feel better
Not 30, but I’m getting close. I’m working 2 shitty soul crushing jobs right now. I’m also slowly becoming an alcoholic. I want to kill myself every day I wake up. I really wish I could find out what I want to do in life.
I kinda do.
I have a job where i can just figure stuff out so i feel like im somewhere now..its just…to setup life is just a lot of work…especially if you’re starting from scratch later .
Yeah, sure.
I don’t really know what I’m doing.
There’s very little expectations placed upon you from society during your 20’s and there’s the safety of time, that you can ignore the deeper question of purpose because you have time to figure out your direction.
Well that safety net comes crashing down around 30 and the time is up, which now begs the question: “What are you doing with your life?” and if you don’t have an answer.. an existential crisis forms.
I wouldn’t be surprised that even people who seem to have it all together are not secretly going through this exact crisis themselves, I mean this thread is evident enough of that.
I don’t have an answer because I’m right there with you but if I had to guess I would say at the core of this issue is the need to feel apart of something greater than yourself.
Hey, I’m 34, in a family business – with enough issues of it’s own i.e. almost failing due to the pandemic, married, have friends and still feel miserable, directionless, clueless, stuck and lost. Progression is relative, sometimes the very thing that holds you from progressing, since there’s a lot more pressure on you to “not fail” as you have to take care of your responsibilities is family.
You have money lying around, go on a midlife crisis spree, just for the heck of it! Buy a super bike! You probably would still be miserable, but you would be a miserable guy with a Super bike! which could get you laid?! Or new biker friends!
What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail – go do that! And fail, except for like life threatening stuff – don’t do that.
Our modern western societies praise those who succeed and humiliate those who fail. Everything you see or do is designed to make you feel bad in some way/ or not good enough so you go out and spend money to fix it. The modern 21st century woman has adopted many previously make attributes and are having lots of success. The ordinary man isn’t so successful nowadays due to globalisation/ out sourcing/ the self help industry who love making you feel bad so you can keep the dollars flowing. Masculine and feminine polarity has disappeared and lots of successful women can’t find the man they really want and lots of men are abandoned because they don’t come up to high standards that modern women want. Meanwhile the rich and powerful just keep on quietly amassing more and more wealth and privilege whilst the rest of us fight/ squabble and stress out like we’re lab rats. The modern dating game is just another form of divide and conquer.
Men have always had to go out into the world and prove their worth before coming back and finding a woman to share their life with. Nowadays most men can’t do this because society has changed the rules and the possibilities to go out and prove their worth are more and more limited. Men are encouraged to become more tuned into their emotional side, become more feminine. Meanwhile women are being pushed into becoming more male like….have goals and direction, vision, a purpose and mission in life, be aggressive and numb their emotions to get what they want. The result is sexual neutrality… and more and more people going to see therapists and doctors with stress induced problems.
Yeah man it wasn’t until I made a big change and moved from the states to Colombia for 3 years that I found what I really love in life…
Entrepreneurship.
It has really changed my life into this awesome game that I never know what’s going to happen next. You can keep getting better at it as well.
Oh yeah and nothing is perfect. I’ve noticed in my life there are seasons to my happiness. I’m in a good season right now, but I’m sure life will hit me hard again in a few years or sooner with another reality check and I’ll feel down for a while waiting on the few good times.
Maybe you just need to wait it out a bit for your season to come around to remember how it feels to feel motivated, in a flow state and happy.
There a “Colombia” out there for you that you’ve been meaning to visit?
I think we are hardwired to want to conform to what we see around us, and to suffer from what we perceive–or even simply imagine–to be the negative judgments of others. This powerful effect is made even more so by being unrecognized for what it is.
Many are in your situation, but hide their ‘shame’. So start by not killing yourself over that.
Watch out for the drinking. That is an independent nemesis.
You probably do need a mate. Any one other human who is always on your side solves a world of evils. But don’t expect a mere friend to fall into that role without 20 years of cultivation, or you’ll be seen as repellently needy. The better bet is a girlfriend, assuming you can find one with a similar level of need–and don’t be too picky.
So that’s my advice.
We are in a epidemic of distraction. The way we live is out of line with nature. Get back to nature and you will find yourself.
In my 50’s. I completely relate.
Full disclosure: I’m a mental health therapist.
But again, I personally relate. I struggle with depression and anxiety and feeling lost and unmotivated.
Sounds like you’ve exhausted the mental health route in trying to figure out what is “wrong” with you.
I’d like to suggest that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you. Or me. Or the millions of others like us. This idea we currently hold about the “wrongness” being held by the individual is –historically — a very recent and modern notion.
Beyond Western psychology, I see two options here …
I. The dark side of capitalism
So. What it is not you or I who are sick, but rather our society? What is what you and I (and millions of others like us) are struggling with is the dark side of capitalism, which is a systemic issue reaching far beyond any one individual.
I would invite you to begin looking into how capitalism creates alienation and isolation.
Just a quick Google search brings up articles such as:
​
[https://isreview.org/issue/74/capitalism-and-alienation](https://isreview.org/issue/74/capitalism-and-alienation)
[https://medium.com/reason-in-revolt/capitalism-is-dangerous-for-your-mental-health-b02fd8f56dfe](https://medium.com/reason-in-revolt/capitalism-is-dangerous-for-your-mental-health-b02fd8f56dfe)
​
II. Life is suffering
Many ancient wisdom traditions recognized that “life is suffering”. Buddhism, of course, springs to mind immediately.
Broad brush strokes description, the original Buddha recognized this core feature of life (that life is suffering), and created a path in order to address this very fact.
In the Western world traditions, the Stoics were very clear in addressing the suffering of life as well. (I would be surprised if there was no cross-fertilization of ideas between Buddhists and Stoics.)
Again, googling stoicism and suffering and/or stoicism and alienation should bring up some interesting reading.
No easy answers here. I still struggle. But exploring both I & II above have helped me to struggle a bit less.
I hope this information helps.
Good luck!
“And I see everyone else my age…”
You aren’t on social media a lot are you? Social media is bad for mental health. You’ll end up comparing yourself a lot to people who only put out the successful parts of their life.
I feel all of those. I push through and fake motivation for fitness and work and my relationship, but I’m extremely bored. I grew up in trauma, went through some extremely weird circumstances, grew up unmotivated and indecisive. Trouble is, I’m turning 38 this year still have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going. I just float along. I’m very sad that I’m so boring, now and stopped trying to connect with people, but most people don’t interest me. It’s not a superiority thing, I just feel like most people don’t get me or care to.