Hi All,
Maybe this won’t seem as big of an issue to some as to some but this is really eating at me.
My (40F) husband (35M) had told me he had an offer of a gallery show in Manhattan for “some time” in August. There were some costs involved in prep (around $800) that I fronted. I am VP of a tech company. While many, including him, think it’s 9-5, it’s virtual events, so at times I’ve had to produce events at 3 am. He only let me know YESTERDAY that his gallery opening is this Thursday 5-7 and I have an event booked for 6:30-7:45. Since there is prep time involved, and I need to be near a pretty intense tech setup, I need to be at my home office.
I am upset he didn’t tell me the exact time and date. He didn’t post it on any of his socials, he didn’t give me a flyer, and this is a big deal for him. He’s getting all pouty and sad no one is going to come.
He says he understands if the client is a whale, but why can’t my boss, the co-founder of the company “just do” the event. I am VP of Events- it is literally my function. I feel like he doesn’t respect that I am an executive at my company and while I want to be supportive, he has to tell me when I need to make myself available.
He thinks this job just fell in my lap and I literally spent years working 3 jobs and putting the legwork in to get to this point – and we are both upset at each other.
tl;dr My (40F) husband (35M) didn’t tell me the exact date of his gallery opening, I have a work conflict, I feel he doesn’t respect my job, and he thinks I don’t support him. Advice?
Edit: he told me tonight he’s known for a month the exact date and time.
32 comments
Maybe this will teach him to actually share important information, like dates and times of things that he wants you to show up to.
It sucks for him but he has no one but himself to blame.
you fronted his costs, he failed to communicate (assuming he knew the gallery times further in advance, as it is alluded), and yet he’s making you feel bad for not skipping commitments (ones that pay the bills no less) to attend? I understand it’s an important moment for him, but the personal responsibility alarm is blaring here. By your last sentence it sounds like there are larger issues here tbh
Actually the problem sits with both of you. Certainly moving forward there should be a joint solution
My partner is a full time psychotherapist & singer:song writer. I am a VP in the biotech area. We have to plan at least three months ahead.
She is a workaholic and it doesn’t work well for me. So this also is a way of creating ‘we’ time
If there are any changes then we immediately communicate them. Things will still happen in Ben with the best plans
In this case this is a situation where you can’t no-show at your company event.
Do you think he intentionally did not share the date so he would make it inconvenient/impossible for you to go?
The act of being upset you makes it is different from him being understanding with your schedule not living up
The question to me is if he genuinely thinks you can not work the event or if he doesn’t want you to come & is gaslighting you because you can’t
Sometimes galleries don’t have their act together. I’ve been in multiple exhibitions that only give a 1 week notice before am opening. My last one I found out with 5 days notice. It leaves artists scrambling to prep their work. I don’t know if that’s the case in this situation, but it might have added to the stress all around.
If the show is up for a while, maybe try to plan a time to go see it together after the opening? Then you both can enjoy it without the noise of a reception.
Tell him that his lack of planning and notifying you does not make this an emergency that you have to respond to. And since you are already booked, he will need to have the opening without you.
Tell him to notify you farther in advance if he would like you to accompany him in the future (it is called planning in advance).
your husband not sharing exact details with you and saying ‘no one will come’ makes me think he might be unconsciously sabotaging the event because he lacks confidence in himself or his work. for this specific situation, i don’t envy you and unfortunately have no advice, but something to think about for stopping this from happening in the future. if you do bring this up, be sure to be supportive about his work, how everyone’s going to love it, why you love it, etc. and make him promise to be more responsible about your time when this happens again
Some galleries can be pretty flaky and unprofessional when it comes to things like time management. It would not surprise me in the least if this was not firmed up until just recently.
What was his reason for not telling you before? It’s not clear to me if the gallery didn’t schedule him until 2 days ago or if he purposely did not share for reasons unknown. Is this something that he’s done before? If it’s that important to him, why didn’t he say anything before, even when he was still waiting for a final date?
I agree with you that he dropped the ball, however I have to wonder whether he has low self esteem. I’m an artist and I’ve been in his shoes – too shy/nervous to tell anyone about an event and then being sad that I didn’t promote myself. I think you definitely need to have a conversation about communication, but if he has low self esteem you need to do it in a way that won’t tear down what little confidence is there.
I’m not saying to grovel or kiss his ass, he messed up, but maybe he needs to work with a therapist to get his communication skills and confidence to a better place.
It’s pretty clear that you feel that he does not respect your job/time/effort you put into his gallery with the costs that you fronted, and he feels like you don’t appreciate his gallery.
And obviously, you can’t skip your work event. I would explain your side and say that you are really disappointed that you can’t come and (insert words about how you appreciate his work and sincerely wish you could be there) that you will make it up to him. Find some way to appreciate his work – maybe its taking him out to dinner to celebrate, maybe its going to the gallery at another time, I don’t know. But saying *and* showing you appreciate him might be a good way to communicate that you care.
Hopefully, this conversation also leads to an apology on his end as well. I know how you feel though, I am also often someone who is overbooked and it stresses me out when people randomly ask me to change plans.
Girl, YOU ARE A FREAKING VP, that’s like a CEO’S right hand, if I’m not mistaken. You ARE ON DEMAND ALWAYS, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE. That’s the nature of the Beast. He needs to be aware of this AND NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL when you miss out any gallery openings in the future. He can record the event, send you virtual kisses 💋 😘 and you guys can celebrate his opening on a romantic dinner.
Normally I’d say family events win over work obligations. However, 4 days notice with a job at that level, this is poor planning on his part.
Next time he needs to give you more time to plan accordingly.
This one is logistically simple and a complete emotional landmine. At the end of the day your husband does know the demands of your work – it isn’t new. While you want nothing more than to be there 100% w him supporting him, you literally can’t be. If it is at all possible to farm out your responsibilities that night then don’t punish him for the last minute nature of his show – farm it out and be at the gallery. If you just can’t be there, then be honest and remind him that you would absolutely be the first person in line were it not for unavoidable obligations that he already understands.
Not trying to be a jerk but you are the VP of Events – do you have people working for you that could handle your event? If you do and are not willing to delegate then it does sound a bit like you are punishing him for not being as organized/on task and that you are. That’s fine but at what cost? 🤷
I have a feeling that this is not the first, or the last time. A 35-year-old person who doesn’t understand the responsibility of a job of a VP while needing his partner to front the $800 and not being able to communicate or look at his how words and actions might have caused this conflict. That’s why there are many happily single people out there.
Maybe he could get a friend to go with him?
>He only let me know YESTERDAY that his gallery opening is this Thursday 5-7 and I have an event booked for 6:30-7:45.
Alright, but when did HE find out the exact date and time HIMSELF? Did he also find out yesterday? The exact date and time isn’t always known months in advance. This vital piece of information is mysteriously missing and makes him look like a bumbling idiot, but it’s not clear if that’s actually the case.
an artist didn’t tell his event planner wife about an opening in Manhattan? hmmmm… what’s he showing?
you should tell your high value man that you should never pay to be in an art show.
I am an artist, I have managed artists, been married to artists, taught artists, for 40 years.
1. You don’t pay to exhibit, unless the gallery is bullshit.
2. You get more than a week’s notice, unless the gallery is bullshit.
I’d bet my left nut that he’s making little to zero money from his art and that you are in essence his patron. Add in his “high value male” philosophy and I think you need to re-evaluate just how valuable he is to you. He’s *playing* at artist, whereas you have an actual job.
And frankly the partner of the artist is superfluous at an opening: nobody wants to talk to you anyway, at most you hand round glasses of indigestible wine.
TLDR: He’s a narcissistic arse.
Why do you have to respect and get excited for his job when he doesn’t return the feelings. You guys are too old for this sort of fight.
As you tell it this is entirely a him problem. His poor planning has led to a schedule clash that is not recoverable. If he told you a week ago you could have rescheduled without losing face. If you do it now then you end up looking disorganised to compensate for his lack of organisation.
I’m senior in my field and about the same age as you guys. My wife wouldn’t even suggest I move things at this point as she wouldn’t want me to take a reputation hit. What’s bad for me is bad for the family anyway.
She’s studying to change career and when she graduates I’ll 100% make sure I am there to celebrate, but then she will signpost it nice and early because she knows I’m busy.
I’d be more concerned that your 35 year old husband needed you to front the $800.00.
I am not sure how you ended up being married to this man but after reading the thread I get the impression he also does not work. If I am wrong so be it but he does not respect you and I question what you are getting out of this relationship.
He has known the date and time for a month?? Girl, he set you up to make you look like the bad guy.
A lack of communication and planning on his part does not constitute an emergency on your part.
A lack of communication and planning on his part does not constitute an emergency on your part.
It’s on him, almost everything in this world is based on planning a time and date.
The only person he should be mad at is himself… I feel like he has animosity because you seem to have it together. Meanwhile he thinks because he is struggling that you need to as well.
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you’re financially supporting the two of you, right?
>He’s getting all pouty and sad no one is going to come.
Man, if only there was something he could do about that! Oh wait…
>He didn’t post it on any of his socials, he didn’t give me a flyer
He could have!
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like your husband is much of an adult. Granted we’re only getting your side of the story here, so maybe from his perspective this is actually about a workaholic wife who doesn’t make time for him. But based on what you’ve laid out here, it sounds more like a leech failing to understand how the real world works.
Honestly, I could give some advice on how to handle this specific argument, but I think there’s a bigger problem here:
>He thinks this job just fell in my lap
Your husband just kind of sounds like a selfish piece of disrespectful shit. I can’t imagine feeling that way about my wife earning a big opportunity. Again, this is all from your perspective, so maybe it’s not as bad as you’re making it sound. But that sounds pretty bad.
He should have communicated the information ahead of time especially because he knew about it for a month.
Tell him how long you’ve known when the gallery is going to be and how much it bothers you.
If he’s pouty then that’s a good indicator that either. Nobody is interested in his art. Or he really didn’t tell anyone and expected them to show up.
Whew, /u/elecktrobunny: a LOT to unpack here.
He’s into misogyny with this “high value man” bullshit: problem.
He’s in therapy: great!
It looks like you’re in an emotionally stunted poly relationship: problem.
He lives paycheck to paycheck @ age 35: not great.
He inexplicably has a part time assistant: like…why and who pays for this?
He is having a hissy fit b/c you can’t attend an event he’s known about for a month but you’ve known about for one day: big bummer, but that’s on him, not you.
Are you in therapy as well to understand what all of this is about? Like…why? Is this a happy marriage? Are *you* happy?