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TDLR; roommate’s jealousy issues make me have to tiptoe and as a sheltered person, I’m unsure if trying to bring up adult topics is logical.
\* I’ll call them Dan(M32) and Sam(35) as my roommates. I am F29.
For the past few years, it’s been up and down with a lot of things that would have to have it’s own arcs. But, what I’m confused about is how everything is handled. I have this friend, Dan, who has had a crush on me for multiple years until recently. Despite me thoroughly telling him numerous times I’m not interested, he kept taking it harshly.
Harshly as in “forgetting” to drive me home ( I cant afford a car ); which usually I’d forgive, but it was clear he was in a very bad mood about something. Usually it’s due to me making a remark about having a girlfriend, or if it’s anything related to not being his girl. He makes passive aggressive comments whenever I mention someone else even in not romantic mentions. Yes, as in talking merely about anyeone else
. Since I’m gay, he has been showing it with aggressive gestures like closing things loudly or not responding to me right away, or trying to make me jealous by talking about all the fun he’s had, and would look at me repeatedly to see if I showed any form of jealousy. He has no issue with trans or gay people, and yet for some reason me coming out sent him into a rage and depression state. Usually he would change his URL to something like “depressed world”, leave me paragraphs about love confessions in my phone, slam doors, drawers, louder than usual, or not talk to me at all.
As a cptsd person who didn’t have a personality at the time, I had no idea what to do. It scared me. Every time he gets jealous he scares me. He’d do subtle things like “forgetting to pick me up from work”, not flush the toilet, play video games a bit rougher, the usual anger responses like fast talking, short sentences, grumbling, distancing himself from me, and not help me with things. He was so mad at me for having a girlfriend, he didn’t speak to me for 2 weeks and doesn’t remember “any jeaously moments” when I try to bring it up and tells me he’d hurt from my words.
I don’t really mind or care if he helps me with things as we’re both adults, but he only stops when he’s jealous or angry, which was often. It got to the point where I couldn’t be myself. I stopped dresssing like I usually do, depression took over me even more, and since we moved to another city, He’s been super clingy. He’d peek his head thru my bedroom every now and again and label every outing we go out to as a date. Despite me gingerly, trying to tell him I’m not interested, it always ended up with me having to apology and feeling like shit.
We had to move out within 30 days \[ fire from a meth head dealer\] and got stuck rooming at a friend’s parents place until the house we’re gonna rent is finished being renovated by mid November. He spent every 20 minutes trying to bother me or make movie dates, or try to get handsy with me when I just wanted to be left alone. After the fire and then, having our home ripped from us, it took all the motivation out of me.
Fastforward to June 2022, I got “the virus” around the same time I had ordered a new mattress. The whole week before they said they weren’t gonna help me take it up the steps. Thats fine. We didn’t know I’d get sick shortly after. I work in retail and have asthma. I could barely open my eyelids and when I asked for some help like making tea or bring up a small snack, which would get met with “you can do it. Dont be confined to your bedroom.” When I asked if they were even going to check on me since I hadn’t left my room in a few days, Sam texted me back, “Why would I??” He went on a rant about how that’s pampering. I can’t rely on my family for help due to trauma \[ religious extremist, homophobes, macho men, ect. \]
I told them I couldn’t get up and then they said they didn’t know I coudn’t get up. I nearly passed up and got crushed by the bed while bring it up the steps. Soon they’d ridicule me, saying I was acting extra because I was a little sick, when I generally needed help. Doing stuff on my own is something i grew up with.
Both said I was being irrational for asking for help. FF to when Dan got a mattress. He apologizes that he never helped me, but backtracks and says “well mine was twice as big and heavy as yours and you were just weak.” I have a twin bed and he got an XL.
Dan stalks my social media and if I say anything negative he thinks it’s about him and demands I say everything or else he’ll get super angry, which is the result anyways. Then, when he feels better he sends me love confessions thru text as to why he just needs to have me. I dont feel like I’m being treated well, but then again I’m afraid that I’m being the asshole.
Now, Dan got a girlfriend, but it was from the ex Sam was trying to win back. This pissed off Sam bcuz he’s been working on her for years. Dan says he understands how he feels. Both guys have jealousy issues. I felt hurt by this because I feared for my privacy and safety; Dan made me fearful and creeped out, and Dan has the nerve to say he understands Sam’s jeaously.
When I told him I wasn’t going to talk to him \[ Dan \] for a few days he gets mad and tells me “Well I guess you’re just not getting your fucking apology, then.” Which infuriated me. It feels useless to talk about it because he either doesn’t know or doesn’t care or doesn’t remember. I feel left behind and like no one cares. My girlfriend who is overseas, is the only one that makes me feel loved.
Upon confrontation, Dan blows up again and shames me for addressing something and displays depression, anger, and isolates until I apologize. And talking to either of them, both dont really pay attention to much interactions unless it’s to their benefit, or else it never existed. If I try to bring up ANYTHING, they disagree until they find the answer or mansplain things to me. Ex: No the sky isn’t blue until I say it’s blue, then it’s blue.
I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. I can’t talk to Dan without feeling uneasy and I can’t talk to Sam because he usually could care less about anything unless it’s in his interest \[ when he’s upset, everybody’s gotta be upset. \] They also repeatedly ask me why I do things like, peek out of the room before I leave, try not to make a sound, or prefer to open the window when they belch in the car. When I ask my sibling for help, she says, to just “not talk about things that piss them off” or “Just go out with him, he’ll stop.”
I overheard from Sam one night that if he has to make me cry to “wake up” since we have to move back to out hometown this fall, so be it. And it hurt me a lot. I never told him I know and I’m afraid of pissing him off since he handles the fincances. But, if I try to bring things up to talk like an adult, I’m the bad guy and have to coddle them until they feel better. I just want to be listened to.
We’ve been friends for 13+ years, since high school. As a sheltered person, I miss marks all the time and need advice with this friendship if there’s something better I can do.