my girlfriend and i have been having sex on and off for about 6 months now and usually our sex life is pretty great. we always take things slow and i focus on the foreplay and try to never rush into things. we were both virgins and after about 6 months of dating decided to lose our virginitys to eachother. this went well but after a few times of doing it she said that shed like to wait a bit before doing is again and said that it was good just she wanted to wait a bit now.
later she said that she wished that shed waited until marriage which i understood but felt bad for because everything was consentual but before earlier in the relationship she had expressed that shed like to wait. i never did anything to try to persuade her into having sex earlier and told her that id be perfectly fine with waiting until marriage if she wanted. later she had told me that she saw sex as the next step and told me how she really wanted to have sex with me. we had already done other things in the past sexually with eachother and had been (fingering, handjobs, oral sex both ways), regardless we did it and she said shed like to wait. later again she told me that she was ready for it and that she really wanted to have sex with me so planned it out with her and tried to make sure she was comfortable with everything and let her initiate as always to make sure she didnt feel pressured aswell as asking her regularly if she was comfortable and if she wanted to stop. i also made sure that she would communicate and asked her what she did or didnt like during it.
it went well and she liked it and expressed that much after the fact and even started birth control to try and further prevent pregnancy, as we were just using condoms at this point. regardless we went on to do it 3 more times until a couple days later after we had done it for the 3rd time she told me that she really wished she had waited and that she was upset at me for not. i still understood but i was a little confused as she had brought it up and we planned it all prior along us making sure to communicate about it beforehand and me trying to ensure her comfort at all times. regardless this turned into somewhat of a conflict because i just wanted to understand what she wanted and even she didnt.
it happened again she told me she wanted to wait until a little bit ago she changed her mind and told me she was ready. i told her about the conversations we kept having but she told me that she really had changed her mind and apologized for everything.
we did it and all was well and went the same way for a few days until yesterday she told me that she keeps changing her mind about things and i felt bad. she told me that she felt like it was always an in the moment decision to do it but we always plan it and talk about it ahead of time so in not sure what to do. i told her that i need to have a healthy sex life in a relationship and that im ok with no sex too as long as it is what we are both comfortable and happy with but that what was happening right now wasnt that. she has a therapist and i told her she needs to talk to her therapist because her therapist would know more and understand it better and be able to help but she refused to talk to her therapist continually.
finally today she said that she thinks the reason for her indeciciveness in sex usually happens when she says she feels like shes gonna lose me because sex is a big thing to her and she is scared to lose the person she lost her virginity with. i understand all this but i dont know what to do and i need some advice on how to help improve our sex life and help her indecisiveness aswel because i dont want to keep things like this and im worrried it could negatively effect our relationship if it kept going like this
​
any advice would be gladly appreciated and sorry for how long it is i just needed to get some of that out and give some context
3 comments
omg… op, please PLEASE edit your post! break it into paragraphs
I think she has some hangups about this she needs to work through. I might express that she hasn’t lost anything and that she is a whole person whether or not she’s had sex. And that you aren’t comfortable doing something that may make her feel bad later. I would just hold off on sex until she’s worked through this. Do you feel like you would want to leave her if sex wasn’t on the table? And if you broke up, would you genuinely still be close?
Take two big steps back and give her time and space to figure out what she wants here. Does she want to have a relationship with you or does she want to be shut of you.
You do the same and take that time and space to think about whether you actually like her all that much and want to continue on with her. After you both take that time, then maybe a productive discussion can happen.
I’m not a big fan of ultimatums, I usually hate them, but you really need to stop letting her jerk you around like this and should she end up trying to take back her decision, you’re going to need to be firm and just end the relationship and let her be single until she’s actually ready to date someone.
>finally today she said that she thinks the reason for her indeciciveness in sex usually happens when she says she feels like shes gonna lose me because sex is a big thing to her and she is scared to lose the person she lost her virginity with
Does she understand that waffling like this and alternating between alienating you and embracing you is actively driving a wedge between the two of you, harming the relationship, and will eventually make that dreaded break up inevitable if you can’t resolve this problem?
>im worrried it could negatively effect our relationship if it kept going like this
Could? It already is having a huge negative impact on your relationship.