How do partners with wealth disparity in their relationship create equity? How did you both navigate emotionally if one of you has to work and the other is free to pursue passions/hobbies instead?
I \[31F\] come from a middle class background. I’ve had a job since 15, moved out at 18, lived in my car briefly to pay for school. Parental support was limited, we split tuition for 2 years before I got scholarships. I’m currently finishing my doctorate and have paid for all my expenses.
My DH \[39D\] comes from a very privileged family. His parents have provided, and still provide enough money for his basic living expenses. As a result he never had to work and is currently unemployed. He is a very sweet and loving person. At times he says things that confuse me like, “I just don’t want to work if it makes me unhappy”, “One day you’ll be my sugar mama” (no, actually), “Most jobs aren’t worth my time”. It’s hard for me to relate to this worldview as not working has never been remotely possible for me.
I pay half of the bills while DH’s parents cover his share. I have student loans to pay off. I need access to health insurance through my employer. I’m trying to save for retirement and invest. I’ll probably be working until retirement age. Sometimes watching him lounge and spend money on hobbies/toys/trips while I grind out 50+ hour weeks stings. If we both worked fulltime then we could both retire earlier and spend that time together.
That said, I’m grateful for my in-laws generosity toward my husband. However, some drawbacks are that he is reeeaaalllyyyy bad with money. Like. Bad. He doesn’t save or budget. His retirement plan is his inheritance. He has high interest credit card debt and pays tons of late fees. He’ll spend everything and then ask his parents for more $. It gives me heartburn just thinking about it. TBH his financial dependence on his parents makes me feel very uncomfortable, but maybe it’s none of my business. Is this is just the culture in wealthy families?
IDK, a part of me feels like I’m being unreasonable/ungrateful. Privileged spouses, did you get a job to share the burden? If so, did it cause any resentment? Are you able to talk about finances in a way that makes sense to each other? Are you honest with your spouse about the $/spending habits you have? Should I just “trust that everything will be fine”?
TLDR: I’m \[F31\] poor and have to work, DH \[M39\] is supported by his wealthy parents and doesn’t. I feel like equity is lacking. Insights on how to manage if you’ve been in a similar situation are appreciated!
7 comments
>but maybe it’s none of my business
How is it not your business? You’re married to him. Legally, you are a joint economic unit and his financial decisions affect you (and vice versa).
> Is this is just the culture in wealthy families?
I’ve only known a couple of folks from wealth to the point where they were getting payouts starting at adulthood… and their attitudes are NOTHING like his. One started their own business attempt at 21 (was proper work but not profitable), did that for a while, went back to school and then got a normal-person office job, trying not to touch her $$ aside from spending on their own kid’s private education and invested anything left over. Another was already waiting tables at a restaurant in their teens just like everyone else.
Families who can maintain wealth generation to generation often do so by teaching their kids to not totally blow it on random crap, and teaching them financial responsibility.
I don’t have “my money,” she doesn’t have “her money.” We have our money. I work and shes a SAHM. It’s matter of priorities and duty. Our family comes before our hobbies or entertainment so I work and my wife takes care of our kid and the house. I’m sure there are cases to the contrary but I’ve never seen a married couple who divided their assets and didn’t also have an adversarial relationship.
I feel like your situation is skewed because he’s not independently wealthy, he’s dependent on his parents doling out money as needed, so they are fundamentally involved in your finances. I think ultimately he needs to take more agency so you can compromise (like you both work a normal work week or are able to retire early or one of you takes careof your home life/children in a way that contributes to your joint life). The way its structured through his parents gives them too much control and means that you can’t work out a compromise between the two of you because the money’s dependent on them.
Man, I have no good advice. I’d just throw the whole man out. Jobs aren’t worth *his* time, but he’s fine watching you work overtime? That’s not “sweet and loving.” That’s selfish and entitled. Have you tried pointing out this disparity?
> “One day you’ll be my sugar mama”
And then…
> I pay half of the bills
> I grind out 50+ hour weeks
> I’ll probably be working until retirement age.
Make it make sense?
You seem to be pulling more than your fair share of the load in this partnership while his parents cover his share so really you’re in a financial partnership with his parents while he lives the life of a marriage vacation.
So he’s lounging around living life not giving a shit about taking financial responsibility for himself watching you work your ass off with no time or energy to enjoy your own hobbies.
There’s a huge disconnect here that you need to reconcile because this is not a fair partnership.
And it’s going to be a huge challenge for you to solve this problem because I sense you recognize you’re not entitled to his parents money but you’re trying really hard to deny that the marriage dynamic is unfair.
Honestly if he is privileged enough as you say he is then he would never let you do the 50+ hour grinds for the rest of your life. And this means it’s his prerogative to step up and provide for you enough so that you can share in the same luxuries of time and enjoyment as he does instead of depending on his trust fund for the rest of his life.
What would your life look like of you scaled back on your hours worked and reduced your income? And what would your life look like if he actually contributed to your combined income… The life where you both work together as a unit and thrive together as a unit?
There’s a lot to consider here. Stay objective. Look out for yourself first, because in the current scenario your life is looking like you’re the one making all the sacrifices here while he rides the waves of your hard work.
I know a ton of wealthy families. I do not know anyone whose married and doesn’t work, most are lawyers, Dr, and other professionals.
I personally don’t have to work if my parents wanted to support me, but I would never take their money.
You need to sit down with your husband and his parents. You need to talk about all of this.