My (24F) boyfriend (28M) really hurt me a year ago by being untruthful about things. He never cheated or tried to cheat, but he lied to me in a way that’s completely damaged my trust in him.
I was prepared to break up with him, but ended up staying and he’s done everything possible to earn back my trust. It’s been over a year since it happened, and while he is completely and consistently transparent with things I’m concerned about, and even though he gives me endless enthusiastic reassurance when I ask for it, the damage is done and I can’t help but feel stupid for letting it happen to me. The resentment, sadness, and bitterness I have is strongest when he’s not around and diminishes when we’re physically together.
I know I’m happy with him aside from all that and he regrets what he did and has been more than willing to make up for it no matter how many times I need reassurance or proof I can trust him. He knows I can’t just forgive him, and I wish I could just forget about what happened so I can enjoy the relationship now. How do you forgive and move on?
Edit for info: we’ve been together 2 years, the incident happened a few months after our first anniversary. It’s been more than a year since I tried to break it off and I just need advice and help.
3 comments
Have you thought of going to therapy together? I know the current trend is to get out of the relationship if you cannot get over it. And that is ok. But also ask yourself if you want to try getting help to get over it together. Sometimes people make mistakes, that doesn’t make them unfit for a relationship. But it also doesn’t mean you have to accept it and get over it. So ask yourself if you have done everything you want to do to try and get passed it. If yes… leave him, if no, talk to him about it and get therapy. It’s no guarantee but at least you know you tried everything.
You really don’t.
When things like this happen they are always going to be part of your relationship. Over time it becomes easier to deal with and hurts less. But you will always be insecure to some extent because you know the possibility of it happening again will always exist.
When you continue a relationship like this both parties are agreeing to deal with the consequences of this forever. For example, I cheated on my wife (yes I know bad me). And we ended up working things out eventually. But there is no such thing as going back to things the way there were prior to this happening. And she has to live with dealing with triggers basically forever.
Therapy helps but nothing can erase what was done.
You don’t, you just live with it